Thursday, December 4, 2014

Reorganizing The NFL Divisions

Do you ever wonder why the NFL Divisions are the way they are? I mean, I get they developed as they went along and it's not ALL based on geography...but then why are they named NFC West, NFC North, and so on? Shouldn't the teams be more closely located to one another to be in the same division? And why is Dallas in the NFC East and St. Louis is in the NFC West? Take a look at a map. If you start in Dallas and travel west until you hit St. Louis...well you've just taken one of the longest city-to-city journeys possible without crossing the same line of longitude twice.

I know they aren't going to change them. But what if they did? What if the divisions were created based solely off location? Save on fuel for buses and cars and planes for the players and the coaches and the fans traveling to other stadiums. Maybe it would save a ton of money! I took a stab at what I think the divisions would look like.

First let's start with what they currently look like. I took the liberty of creating some Blob-Information-Maps as I like to call them.

Red Blob = AFC East
Patriots, Jets, Bills, Dolphins

Blue Blob = AFC North
Steelers, Browns, Bengals, Ravens

Gold Blob = AFC South
Colts, Titans, Jaguars, Texans

Purple Blob = AFC West
Broncos, Chargers, Raiders, Chiefs

Green Blob = NFC East
Cowboys, Giants, Redskins, Eagles

Lavender Blob = NFC North
Vikings, Bears, Packers, Lions

Pink Blob = NFC South
Panthers, Saints, Buccaneers, Falcons

Orange Blob = NFC West
49ers, Seahawks, Rams, Cardinals

Now it's not horrible. Some of the divisions aren't too too bad. But I still think I can do better. Here is my revised NFL with it's new divisions. Oh and I've changed the names of the divisions now that they are more based on locations. The conferences are no longer AFC and NFC they are East and West like the NBA. Just wanted to spice up the NFL as much as possible.

Red Blob = East - We All Have Strong Accents
Patriots, Jets, Bills, Giants

Blue Blob = East - Smokestack Country
Steelers, Browns, Bengals, Lions

Gold Blob = East - Flori-Georgia
Jaguars, Buccaneers, Dolphins, Falcons

Purple Blob = West - Legal Pot And Great BBQ Land
Broncos, Titans, Chiefs, Rams

Green Blob = West - We Either Walk Or Talk Slow
Cowboys, Texans, Saints, Cardinals

Lavender Blob = West - All Of Our State Flowers Is Snow
Vikings, Bears, Packers, Colts

Pink Blob = East - Cheesesteaks To Almost Southern Charm
Eagles, Ravens, Redskins, Panthers

Orange Blob = West - I Can See The Pacific Ocean From My Backyard
Chargers, Raiders, 49ers, Seahawks

Now look at that! Basically no overlap among divisions! Everyone's opponents are closer now I think. What do you think? Wait, wait. Before you make a decision, would you like to see the current playoff picture based off of everyone's records as they currently are? Granted they would play the teams in their new division more and a lot of things would be different and the way their spots are determined now are based off different divisional and conference stats but for poops and chuckles let's just see what it would look like.

In The East!

Division Winners
1) Eagles
2) Patriots
3) Bengals
4) Dolphins

Wild Card Spots
5) Lions
6) Bills

In The Hunt

Ooh, the Dolphins are actually winning their division now. And they don't have to travel to freezing cold New England and New York. They can basically stay in Old Florida. Miami must love me for that. Hotlanta is a little cool on me since I took away their playoff spot and put them In The Hunt. Whatever, you guys aren't even at .500. I know it's Hotlanta but chill. (Sweet wordplay Steve) The Patriots lost their homefield advantage throughout but are still in second. Slight bummer but not too big a bummer. And the Bills and the Lions controlling their own destiny! How interesting this all looks.

In The West!

Division Winners
1) Broncos
2) Cardinals
3) Packers
4) Chargers

Wild Card Spots
5) Colts
6) Cowboys

In The Hunt

And the Broncos are now 1st in their conference! Denver must be high on me for that slight bump up (Seriously Steve, so punny today). Chargers are now winning their division rather than just a wild card. You're welcome San Diego. Took away the Colts division leader status but don't fret Indy you are still in the playoffs. And no matter what I did with moving the divisions around, I'm sorry Oakland, there's no getting the Raiders even a nosebleed seat to see where the playoffs are. I could put them in their own division...I know they are good at beating themselves. Maybe that would help.

So, Goodell, other NFL big wigs, here is my proposal. Yes we will lose some rivalries. Yes we will lose tradition. Yes we will lose about 80% of the annual air traffic passing over Utah. But we've already lost so much. No more celebrations of more than one person. No more celebrations in which a player puts his hands on the ground. No more celebrations showcasing dance moves to any song released circa 1998. What's the NFL stand for anyway? No Fucking Love?! You wouldn't mind taking some more things away. You took things away in interest of player safety, why not take things away in interest of saving gas and travel expenses? And so that I don't have to explain TO ONE MORE GIRL I DATE "YEAH I KNOW, ST. LOUIS IS EAST OF DALLAS IT'S WEIRD AND YEAH INDY REALLY ISN'T IN THE SOUTH BUT THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS AND YEAH I WOULDN'T WANT TO TRAVEL FROM KANSAS CITY TO OAKLAND EITHER AND I DON'T KNOW WHY ALL THE CALIFORNIA TEAMS AREN'T TOGETHER OR THE FLORIDA TEAMS OR THE NEW YORK TEAMS OR THE TEXAS TEAMS IT SEEMS THE ONES WITH THE LARGEST AMOUNT OF ELECTORAL VOTES SPLIT THEIR TEAMS UP, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S WEIRD, AND NO WHEN I SAY I WANT A LEMONADE I DON'T WANT A PINK LEMONADE THAT JUST MEANS REGULAR LEMONADE YOU KNOW REGULAR LEMONADE IS YELLOW RIGHT AND...

Just try it my way once.

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