Friday, November 14, 2014

There's Plenty Of Catfish In The Sea

Yes there are Plenty Of Fish out there. There's even a dating site called Plenty Of Fish in which there exist plenty of fish. Plenty of Catfish as well. In my experiences using the site I'd say about 10% of the people on there are Catfish. You know what a Catfish is, right? Here's an example.

The girl I was talking to had pictures of "herself" looking like this.

Then she ended up looking like this.

(A lot of times these Catfishes end up having mustaches in real life, just like a real life catfish.) Sure maybe it's superficial to judge people based on their looks but when they lie about their looks I think it's OK since they're ugly all around. The only redeemable quality I can come up with for one of these people is that they could probably make a great spy.

In addition to the Catfish we have the Fatfish. Somewhat related. The Fatfish is FANTASTIC at taking pictures that shed anywhere between 20 to 50 pounds. Perhaps they're using a filter I don't know about. Toaster. Kelvin. Bulemic Sunrise. Lap Band Mist. Or perhaps they just know what angle to take their pictures at so as to "hide the fat" and "enhance the boobs". You ever see a fish or something else in the water and think you know what size it is, not realizing the surface of the water is distorting it's appearance. Then, once removed from the water you now see it's true size and shape. Same thing.

Example...on the dating site.

In real life. Real, sad life.

The Fatfish makes up about 25% of Plenty Of Fish.

Then we have the Hammerheads. Ooh a shark! You think to yourself, "What a glorious beast. So majestic." And it is. Amazing looking. But then after you talk to them you realize...oh...maybe she doesn't have a brain. Maybe there's just a bag full of hammers in there. Because...who would correct my use of farther and further when I know the rule to that shit and apply it SPOT ON every time! She also told me "farther" isn't a word. Only "further" is. Hammerhead. I did not wish to be near her. To further my point I moved farther away from that dummy.

Hammerheads can also just refer to a girl with her eyes to far apart from one another. Sure that seems mean but no one wants to try to kiss someone who can't see you coming in to plant one on them. You could really injure yourself there. Both types of hammerheads combined make up 20% of this site.

Then you got your guppies, girls that are too shy to ever meet up with you. They just went on the site to turn people down I guess. The Angler Fish, I always working an angle. "Yeah MAYBE we should meet up. MAYBE you should check out my site, I'm trying to become a singer." Great. A girl that will finally talk to me and she just wants to sing to me. Mahi Mahi - A foreign and exotic one...but doesn't speak much English and doesn't understand ANY OF YOUR JOKES...even though you are clearly coming at her with your best material. Goldfish - Gold diggers. Largemouth Bass - heh heh. Eels - Conversation long like an eel. "Let's really get to know each other before we meet up. I think we should talk for 9 months before we even consider meeting." I think you must be joking. 9 months? What did you just get knocked up? Seahorses - The feminists. "Why should a female HAVE TO carry the baby? Why can't a man do it?" I don't know I don't make the rules. Or the genitals. Just dealing with the dick I got. Umm...are you pissed at me? (Yes, she's pissed at you.) Did I do something? (No you didn't do anything other than be born a man.) Should I keep talking to you? (No you shouldn't. SWIM AWAY!) All of these constitute about 40% of the site.

Yup you guessed it. There's only 5% left. Or maybe you didn't guess it and you did the math. Following along to see if I messed up and counted over 100. Oh you'd love that wouldn't you? But no. We have accounted for 95% of the site. So what IS the remaining 5%? I'm not sure.But these are the ones that I actually have a good conversation with. That I feel like I click with. That.....stop messaging me back out of nowhere. What the hell? What---ohhh. This one was an actual fish and died staying on land for too long. It in fact was not messaging me it's deepest feelings it was just flopping around on the keyboard, jumping for dear life, smashing keys at random. Trying desperately to get back into some water.

Oh well. Better than getting Catfished.

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