Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Some Of The Best Noises

Some of the best noises

1 - Alec Baldwin saying long as it's just above a whisper.

2 - Mila Kunis saying long as she is naked.

3 - Ice hitting the sides of your glass...assuming your glass is filled with an alcoholic beverage.

4 - A fat man trying for an entire minute to get up from a leather couch.

5 - Someone with dress shoes walking across a wooden floor.

6 - That dinosaur in Jurassic Park. The one that kills Newman. That noise it makes.

Some of the best noises to make me salivate

I guess that would be #2 and #3

Some of the best noises to make me erect

Ironically...I think it's all 6

Some of the best noises to make me laugh

#1, #4 and #6

Some of the best noises to teach someone why they should not become a fat ass

#2, #4 and #6

Some of the WORST noises to hear when you're all alone and it's dark

#5 and #6

The best noise to hear when YOU are naked


Aw who am I kidding...let's throw in #1 as well. (That Baldwin Whisper is deadly!)

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Time To Browse Through That Dating Website

You go on that dating website you belong to. AlrightArrowBoy or whatever the shit it's called.

"Let me do some browsing of lady's profiles." You say out loud to no one because no one is there because you are alone which is why you are on this site. (It's OK, I'm right there with ya.)

You start to open up profiles and read...

"I'm a free spirit. I don't like to be tied down by the standards people that we don't even know, have set before us. I do what makes me happy."

Oh OK you don't have a job and I will be paying for everything. Next.

"I'm not a princess but I expect to be treated very well. No need to wait on me hand and foot but treat me like I am special. I love a gentleman. I like to believe chivalry is still alive."

Oh I actually DO act like a princess and you DO expect to be waited on hand and foot. Otherwise why would you bring it up? You probably have a job but will spend all your money on things for yourself and I will be paying for everything (as a gentleman does). Next.

"I don't mean to sound cocky but I deserve the best..."

Don't need to read anymore. I'll pay for everything except the one time you buy us ice cream and you'll make a huge deal out of it because YOU the GIRL bought us something. It's 2014! This is not anything to brag about! Next.
"Come up with something interesting for us to do on our first date. No thanks with the cliche "Let's go to dinner."

You're gonna hate whatever I pick no matter what and even if I get a second chance and we end up going to dinner...I bet I'm paying. Next.

"I need an honest man...a man who will take care of me..."

Yeah honestly...we haven't even met yet. Take care of you? You've never picked up a check for dinner have you?

"I love clubbing, going out drinking, bars..."

You sound expensive. Also you just named 3 things that are almost all the same. Sweet hobbies.

"Prove to me why you deserve to go out with me..."

What with money? Next.

"I'm not even sure why I'm on this site..."

Yeah I'm not sure why I'm looking at your profile.

No voy a estar pagando por mí mismo."

Sounds like we won't have much to talk about...and like my bank account will be shrinking. Donde esta mi wallet?

"I don't expect for the man to pay for me. We haven't even met. I have my own money, I can pay for myself. I do not need to rely on a man to buy my dinner. I want to be treated as equal and I do not see that there should be any difference when it comes to dating."

Alright...what the fuck is wrong with this one? She's hiding something.

And that's how it goes. Not to sound like a cynic. But you check out 10 profiles...then you decide to backtrack...maybe I was being too critical, you say. Maybe I'll message 3 of them. I'd feel dumb if I came on here tonight and didn't message anyone. So..... #1 #2 and #9 because they were the hottest.

And now you're working overtime just to buy yourself lunch...