Friday, May 30, 2014

This One Time...



One time a girl bought a round of drinks for me and her which included

- A drink for her
- And nothing for me as I pulled the car around to pick her up because it was cold outside

(Note: Not a fucking round when you only buy one drink. Has to be multiple drinks dummy!)

One time a girl told me I was too negative and that I should just do whatever I want and scrap the word can't from my vocabulary. 30 minutes later she told me she wanted to get a tattoo, I told her she should. She said she can't because she doesn't have the money. Then she asked me to pay for it. Guess who got in trouble when they pointed out who was using what words.

(The guy who was right.)

One time a girl told me something was going to cost one amount and it ended up costing 4 times as much.

(That girl was a stripper.)

One time a girl cheated so I broke up with her. Sure it was Monopoly but I take that game seriously and feel that is a direct reflection of the type of person you are.

(I'm always the banker now.)

One time I held a door open for a girl and she responded with "I hate you right now."

(I only walk through automatic doors now...too traumatized to do otherwise.)

One time a girl only showed me one boob so my total boob count will forever be messed up.

(Everyone else I know has an even number.)

One time a girl stole a Mountain Dew right out of my hand. It was one can off a six pack and I suppose I didn't need them all but still...bitches thirsty for the Dew.

(Also I just won them in a raffle at the high school dance so they really meant a lot to me.)

One time a girl read this entire post and

- Got hearts in her eyes for me like the popular emoji
- Fell in love with me
- Proposed to me

And I said yes.

(Kidding…I’d never say yes. I have to do the proposing. Duh.)

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Diagonal Walkers

Here's the situation.
It's Saturday night and you just got to the grocery store cause you realized you were low on milk, condoms and NyQuil and that's where you get all of those things. Normally it's cool to be like, "Yo I'm low on condoms broseph!" but in this case you actually ran out cause you had no paper towels in the house and that was what you cleaned up that pasta sauce spill with. It was the only option. Oh yeah you need paper towels too.

Anywho, you're in a rush and you're driving up to the store and you're in the parking lot. A pedestrian needs to cross so you slow down...cause you're nice. A lot of people don't walk straight across if they aren't directly in front of the doors. And that's fine. This is where you get diagonal walkers. But the angle at which they cross is important.

Pedestrians in this situation, if a car slows down for you, be mindful! Obviously the quickest way to get out of the car's way is to walk straight across...in a perpendicular path to the path the car is taking. Observe...in this aerial image provided to me from a military helicopter and shut up that is too what cars look like from an aerial view when you're drawing in Paint OK?!


The red dotted line is the path the pedestrian takes. No need to do that. Take an angle so you can minimize walking time to the door. But watch your fucking angle! Here is an acceptable angle.


Taking a little bit of time off your journey. Here is another acceptable one.


Basically a 45 degree angle. That's cool. Now driver, remember you're here at the store cause you need your milk, your jimmy hats you won't be using anytime soon, your sleepy juice and your paper towels...so you want to get that stuff right away. (Yes maybe the driver is me but I'm addressing YOU as if the driver is YOU so what?) But you want to get in and get out. No one's trying to spend all day at the grocery on a Saturday night when you could be at home calling all your friends looking for plans and finding none at all! And then...here is the angle this Diagonal Walker decides to take.


Oh thanks dick-shit! I'm only waiting back here for 2 fucking minutes as you cross a 20 foot space in the slowest time I have ever seen! Are you trying to get run over? Do you have nowhere to be and nothing on Netflix? Do you have a deathwish? Do you not hear the MONSTROUS ENGINE OF MY SWEET ASS MOM-HATCHBACK PURRING BEHIND YOU?! And what the fuck is up with those side steps? Haven't you hear what Big Daddy Kane said? "Ain't no Side Steppin" OK maybe that's not exactly what he said but it's close enough and the man also has an album titled "Taste Of Chocolate" featuring songs such as "Taste Of Chocolate Intro" and "Taste Of Chocolate Exit" and "Put Your Weight On It" so I think you should probably listen to him.

Which means...

No Side Steppin!
Hurry the fuck up and get a Taste Of Chocolate as you Intro the store and quickly Exit the parking lot and my general vicinity.
And when you're trying to close a suitcase for the week and it's overflowing with clothes Put Your Weight On It.

That last one doesn't apply to this situation but it's still a fantastic tip.

Anyway, get the fuck out of my way Diagonal Walkers! I got a Saturday night to cry about cause I did nothing on it and I ain't doing it in the fucking parking lot! I'm doing it at home...