Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I'm Sick! Bring Me A Soda!

When you have an upset stomach and you're a kid sometimes your Mom or Dad would say "Have a Ginger Ale, it's good for your stomach."

What?! Soda?! And it's not even a weekend or a best friend's birthday party?! I get to have soda?! It's the fucking best. Being allowed soda as a kid is the adult equivalent of......well there is no equal because no one is restricting your intake of anything as an adult. It's just the best.

And what is that about? A bubbly thing is good for your upset stomach. Is there a doctor that can explain this? My stomach is upset and feeling gurgly and bubbly so why not put something bubbly in it to calm it down. Wouldn't that just exacerbate the problem? You'd have double the bubble and then become equipped with mega farts. Maybe that's where the healing lies. Fart out the pain!

Regardless Ginger Ale is one of those awesome sodas that doesn't count as soda because it's apparently fucking medicine.

Sprite only counts as real soda half the time. Sprite's the next best if there is no Ginger Ale in the house.

Any of your fruit sodas, orange, strawberry, grape...those basically count as soda like 75% of the time. They can be used as well.

Coke and Pepsi...I'd give that a 90% of the time on actual soda...10% medicine to give you fart power to blast your sickness away in a hot, foggy cloud of see-ya-later!

Beer is carbonated. So I think that could be medicine sometimes too. I bet if you gave a kid beer when he had an upset stomach...or maybe like 7...well he'd shut up. And when the kid shuts up it is to be assumed he is all better. Parenting 101. We'll give beer a 5% medicine rate.

Vodka may not be bubbly, but most things I drink it with are bubbly so that should work too. Vodka is 4% medicine. Also it is often mixed with fruit juices and fruit is great for sick people so I say we bump that one up to like 12% for good measure. A screwdriver really is a phenomenal thing for your immune system.

I hear heroin numbs a lot of pains and often times there are bubbles in the needles right? Maybe it's bad to get a bubble into your bloodstream but I'm sure an upset stomach cancels that out. When the bubble enters your system and there is an upset stomach it skips the blood stream and heads right to where it's needed. It's like when you take ibuprofen and you have a tiny shoulder ache and a huge headache it goes to your head. Ibuprofen and heroin bubbles are the same...they are both very smart and know where they are needed most. That's why they're called drugs! So on that note heroin is 20% medicine ... we'll say.

And on that note as I just wrote "heroin is 20% medicine" I think it is time to end this post. I take no responsibility for what I said and you should not be relying solely on my advice. You should consult with a doctor. This is all based off a theory of being able to fart out your sickness. But.....if heroin does make people fart.....well then I think I have a solid case here. The proof is in the dope...as they say.