Friday, February 21, 2014

How To Kill A Hipster

You always hear people complaining about hipsters. How they wish there were no hipsters. Look, I'm tired of listening to you all complain. I'm not gonna go and kill them myself...too messy. And I really have nothing against them. But I'll offer up some advice. You can pay me back later. Here's how you kill a hipster.

Tell him he is a hipster. Compliment him on his hipster ways. Then tell him, it's so cool he's a hipster because hipsters are what's in right now. The knowledge of knowing he's a hipster, a hipster being someone who does the opposite of what's in, and knowing hipsters are in, which makes him in, but he's not cause he's a hipster, but he is in.....he will explode. Maybe implode. Basically he will cease to exist. His brain will flood with contradictory thoughts, his legs will swell up underneath his skinny jeans, his flannel whatever will be taut to his skin, he will sweat pools into his lumberjack boots, and his existence will light in a fiery flame of non-existence.

That's how you do it. Go around town telling every hipster you see the same thing and watch beanies and mustaches and lenseless glasses go flying about, flung from exploding bodies. They'll land amongst the streets. Garments and piles of facial hair and accessories lying about. Skateboards and those really tall, obnoxious bicycles rolling aimlessly down the streets. It will look like Spencer's turned inside out during a Halloween sale. But you will have accomplished your goal. And I can stop listening to you complain.

And think about this! There will be such a mess in the streets! Someone will need to clean this all up! Hey Obama, can you say 1,000 new jobs created in a single verbage spree? Plus all the job openings of the recently missing baristas and comic book salesmen and condescending people at clothing stores that say things like "Well, you can try it on if you think it might actually look good I guess" like shut up Randall I'll ask your opinion on if it looks good on me if I want to but right now I can't find the fucking dressing room in your dimly lit store cause buying a lightbulb is too much god damn effort for you people so could you just do your job and tell me where it is without furrowing your brow and biting your thumb nail and checking your Whatsapp notifications with your deep sighs like I'm wasting your time when you're supposed to be doing your fucking job?!

Really, I have nothing against them.

So Obama, you doing this or what?

Monday, February 10, 2014

Ask A Priest For Life Advice?

There are sometimes people go to priests for advice. They find themselves in a hard place and they need someone to turn to. A common choice...the priest. You see it in TV shows and movies all the time, but I wonder how much help they can be of...because they can't have sex.

Maybe that sounds really stupid, but think about it. Sex, ultimately is the motivation for a lot of things we do.

Want a good job? Why? To be successful, get plenty money, impress a lady, take her to dinner, maybe later take her home and have sex?

Why'd you get those new shoes girl? And that dress? To look nice on that date of yours in hopes later it would result in sex?

Haircut? New car? Why do some people search for fame and fortune? (I know haircuts are crucial, sometimes people just don't want to look shaggy or homeless...then who would have sex with you? And yes, a new car may be crucial for transporting you from one place to another...I get that. You can't get to that person's house to have sex with them unless you have a working car.)

Sex is one of our main goals in life. Something that's on our minds constantly. Something...that once we finally had it...that changed our life! Do you remember when you finally had sex? You couldn't remember life before it. Without it.

And people are asking advice from other people who have never experienced this? Have never had this joy? How could they help you make an informed decision when they don't know about the best feeling on Earth. I'm sure priests are aware that sex is an amazing feeling, there's no way they could avoid that ozone layer sized cloud of knowledge that circles the Earth. But they couldn't possibly know the degree in which it beats all the other best feelings on the planet.

I think priests know that the 3rd best feeling in the world is taking a shower after returning from the beach and they know the 2nd best feeling is taking some underwear fresh from the dryer on a cold, winter day and letting the warm cotton hug your freezing cold nether regions...and I think they know these from experience. And I think they know that sex is the best feeling ever...but they don't know from experience, so they don't know by how much it wins. They know the number 2 best feeling is like twice as good as number 3...and they probably think that number 1 is only twice as good as number 2.

But really it's like if you were to take every cold day you've ever experienced, experience them all at once completely naked, all while someone is throwing ice cubes at you and putting their cold, bare feet on your thighs like a horrible cuddler would, and then a pair of fresh-from-the-dryer underwear for each of those cold days is placed over your scared, cold turtle AND you are able to experience the feeling of a shower washing away the beach's sand from every visit to the ocean you've ever had AND you can experience the number 4 best feeling of when you've been holding in a garlic fart because someone you are attracted to is nearby and they finally leave and your butthole may finally untie from the knot it's in AND the number 5 best feeling of when you lift what you think is the last milano cookie holder out of the bag and realize there is one more on the bottom containing 5 more delicious cookies, tie that all together and then multiply it by 1,000 and then sir......then you have reached what would be equivalent to.....probably the worst sex you've ever had. And every other time you have sex...it's better than THAT.

And the person you are asking advice from...doesn't understand this. They make decisions in life without this knowledge. Without this experience. And you want them to lead you in the right direction. I'm sorry, but the chances of this priest knowing the right direction are worse than that of a lemming with an anti-compass and the half the mapquest directions coming back the other way.

I'm not saying people shouldn't ask priests for advice ever. If you want to, you should ask. I would just ask that people think of this one last thing. Would you ask an albino what exotic places are best to summer? Maybe they've read brochures but...come on!