Friday, January 10, 2014

The Pretty Playoffs

It's the Pretty Playoffs! Yes the actual Real NFL Playoffs are currently underway and the teams have already been set, seeded and some even eliminated. But what if the NFL playoffs were decided in a different way? What if teams made it to the playoffs based purely off looks? You often hear people saying they think certain players are good looking. They often talk about the Quarterback being "the face of the team". What if we judged teams based on their face. Many people in the world are judged by their appearance...let's be superficial and apply that here.

Don't worry, I'm way ahead of you. Already did it! I kept all the teams in their divisions and polled 10 women. They had to rank the Quarterbacks 1-4, 1 being the best looking and 4 being the worst. You may say, "That's unfair, what if a particular division is very ugly? Someone gets in when they really don't deserve it?" Have you heard NFL analysts speak of divisions? There have been plenty of ugly divisions over the years. Maybe they mean something else by ugly...but it applies just the same. There have been teams with very bad records...records under .500 even...that have made the playoffs. That's what happens in an unattractive division. Maybe you're thinking, "What if someone plays in a tough (handsome) division? They might get screwed over?" It happens. This is football. Football is a game of skill, toughness, stamina...and sometimes facial features and bone structure.

OK, since I polled 10 women, and 1 is the best score and 4 is the worst score...you want a lower score. A perfect score (undefeated if you will) would be 10. And the worst you can score is a 40 (like winning no games basically). You may think those are strange numbers to use for best and worst...but if you want you can just go back to real football where a perfect Quarterback rating is 158.3 maybe that makes more sense to you.

In addition...there were a few teams this year that had problems at quarterback. Whether it be due to injuries or just indecisiveness, there were some teams that didn't have the same Quarterback start every game. In those cases, I thought it was fair to pick the Quarterback who started the most games for the team in the 2013 season. In some cases this could benefit the team or put them at a disadvantage if they didn't have their regular starter. But that is also what happens in real football. Anyway, I tallied up the scores and here are the final results.

AFC East

Tom Brady - 12
EJ Manuel - 23
Ryan Tannehill - 27
Geno Smith - 38

Brady wins his division by a decent margin. Not a big surprise...the ladies clearly love him. Pats still in the playoffs! Wicked awesome!

Sad Geno...should they have kept Sanchez?


AFC North

Joe Flacco - 18
Jason Campbell - 20
Andy Dalton - 28
Ben Roethlisberger - 34

Ooh Joe Flacco wins a close one over Campbell. Looks like if it were based off looks the Ravens actually would have made it to the playoffs this year. Sorry Baltimore. All the more reason to hope for a more superficial world. Poor Dalton.

Not enough women in this day and age appreciate a good Ginger.


AFC West

Alex Smith - 11
Philip Rivers - 24
Terrelle Pryor - 29
Peyton Manning - 36

Wow...quite the upset. Peyton Manning already eliminated from having a chance to go to the playoffs. And Alex Smith...maintaining his playoff position but also passing Brady and clinching a Bye week first round. Who saw that coming?

AFC South

Case Keenum - 10
Andrew Luck - 28
Chad Henne - 29
Ryan Fitzpatrick - 33

Yes, Fitzpatrick started more games than Locker...and yes Case Keenum started more games than Schaub and YES...Keenum got a perfect score! Case "The Pretty Boy" Keenum will be bringing the Texans to the playoffs with a first round Bye and home field throughout! Yes, the 2-14 Texans...seem to be lucky enough to find themselves in, well, one of THOSE divisions. Furthermore...let's find out who the wild cards are for the AFC which surprisingly has a few models on it's hands. Well, we need the top 2 scores that were not division winners. Those just happen to be Jason Campbell of the Browns with 20 and EJ Manuel of the Bills with 23. The Browns make the playoffs for the first time in over a decade? And the Bills who I believe have the longest drought of making a playoff appearance have now ended that with attractive-rookie-sensation EJ Manuel. A tough feat to pull off fighting against an Uggs Model.

So here's how the AFC would look in the Pretty Playoffs.


Now onto the NFC.

NFC East

Tony Romo - 18
Eli Manning - 19
Nick Foles - 29
RGIII - 34

Well, Mr. Romo would have pleased Dallas fans more if this were the case...winning a close one for that city. Barely pulling one out over little Manning. In real life Foles gets lucky Vick gets injured and also the NFL still bases the playoffs off of football skills and records.

NFC North


Jay Cutler - 15
Aaron Rodgers - 20
Christian Ponder - 25
Matthew Stafford - 40

Ouch! Smokin' Jay Cutler sticks it to Rodgers this time instead of letting Rodgers get the better of him. And Stafford scores a 40...however this could possibly be attributed to this being a fairly handsome division. Either way, the Lions have no chance and the Bears make the playoffs this year.

Smokin' Jay Cutler trumps Mustachioed Aaron Rodgers.


NFC West

Russel Wilson - 16
Colin Kaepernick - 21
Carson Palmer - 27
Kellen Clemens - 36

Yes Sam Bradford was injured just before midway through the season so Clemens took over and did the Rams no favors. Sorry bub. Russel Wilson keeps the division to himself with that winning smile. Kapernick continues to be nipping at his heels...from a bit of a safer distance this time around.

NFC South
Drew Brees - 14
Cam Newton - 19
Matt Ryan - 27
Mike Glennon - 40

Ouch! Another 40! Well at least there was 2 of them so they aren't alone. And now Tampa Bay and Detroit get to fight over who gets the first round pick to use on a young, handsome Quarterback coming fresh out of college. And Drew Brees snakes the division from Cam this time around. And he secures a Bye week and home field throughout. That Nyquil Sippin' Saint did a good job here in the NFC. Don't be sad Panthers fans, Cam and Carolina still grab a wild card spot along with Eli and the Giants...with the same score. And the 49ers, an actual Wild Card team this year, will not be going to the playoffs. Bet you guys wish you didn't get rid of Alex Smith so quickly...those blue eyes would have destroyed the NFC! So the NFC playoff picture looks like this.


Now, I know you may be asking, how did I decide Eli got the 6 seed and Cam got the 5 seed when they have the same score? Fair question. Well I had to make a judgement call.

Also...this.


You're lucky the Giants weren't kicked out of the playoffs altogether on principle alone.

Anyway, these are your Pretty Playoffs and these are the players. They carried their teams on their backs, so as to avoid damaging their handsome faces. It was a long and grueling journey but in the end...gorgeous triumphed over not so gorgeous. As we have been taught in our lives, that is the way things should be. So next time you see your Quarterback throwing the ball out of bounds to avoid getting hit and you think, "Come on! Try to make a play happen!" just remember, he may be saving himself for the Pretty Playoffs.






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