Thursday, December 4, 2014

Reorganizing The NFL Divisions

Do you ever wonder why the NFL Divisions are the way they are? I mean, I get they developed as they went along and it's not ALL based on geography...but then why are they named NFC West, NFC North, and so on? Shouldn't the teams be more closely located to one another to be in the same division? And why is Dallas in the NFC East and St. Louis is in the NFC West? Take a look at a map. If you start in Dallas and travel west until you hit St. Louis...well you've just taken one of the longest city-to-city journeys possible without crossing the same line of longitude twice.

I know they aren't going to change them. But what if they did? What if the divisions were created based solely off location? Save on fuel for buses and cars and planes for the players and the coaches and the fans traveling to other stadiums. Maybe it would save a ton of money! I took a stab at what I think the divisions would look like.

First let's start with what they currently look like. I took the liberty of creating some Blob-Information-Maps as I like to call them.

Red Blob = AFC East
Patriots, Jets, Bills, Dolphins

Blue Blob = AFC North
Steelers, Browns, Bengals, Ravens

Gold Blob = AFC South
Colts, Titans, Jaguars, Texans

Purple Blob = AFC West
Broncos, Chargers, Raiders, Chiefs

Green Blob = NFC East
Cowboys, Giants, Redskins, Eagles

Lavender Blob = NFC North
Vikings, Bears, Packers, Lions

Pink Blob = NFC South
Panthers, Saints, Buccaneers, Falcons

Orange Blob = NFC West
49ers, Seahawks, Rams, Cardinals


Now it's not horrible. Some of the divisions aren't too too bad. But I still think I can do better. Here is my revised NFL with it's new divisions. Oh and I've changed the names of the divisions now that they are more based on locations. The conferences are no longer AFC and NFC they are East and West like the NBA. Just wanted to spice up the NFL as much as possible.

Red Blob = East - We All Have Strong Accents
Patriots, Jets, Bills, Giants

Blue Blob = East - Smokestack Country
Steelers, Browns, Bengals, Lions

Gold Blob = East - Flori-Georgia
Jaguars, Buccaneers, Dolphins, Falcons

Purple Blob = West - Legal Pot And Great BBQ Land
Broncos, Titans, Chiefs, Rams

Green Blob = West - We Either Walk Or Talk Slow
Cowboys, Texans, Saints, Cardinals

Lavender Blob = West - All Of Our State Flowers Is Snow
Vikings, Bears, Packers, Colts

Pink Blob = East - Cheesesteaks To Almost Southern Charm
Eagles, Ravens, Redskins, Panthers

Orange Blob = West - I Can See The Pacific Ocean From My Backyard
Chargers, Raiders, 49ers, Seahawks


Now look at that! Basically no overlap among divisions! Everyone's opponents are closer now I think. What do you think? Wait, wait. Before you make a decision, would you like to see the current playoff picture based off of everyone's records as they currently are? Granted they would play the teams in their new division more and a lot of things would be different and the way their spots are determined now are based off different divisional and conference stats but for poops and chuckles let's just see what it would look like.

In The East!

Division Winners
1) Eagles
2) Patriots
3) Bengals
4) Dolphins

Wild Card Spots
5) Lions
6) Bills

In The Hunt
Ravens
Browns
Steelers
Falcons

Ooh, the Dolphins are actually winning their division now. And they don't have to travel to freezing cold New England and New York. They can basically stay in Old Florida. Miami must love me for that. Hotlanta is a little cool on me since I took away their playoff spot and put them In The Hunt. Whatever, you guys aren't even at .500. I know it's Hotlanta but chill. (Sweet wordplay Steve) The Patriots lost their homefield advantage throughout but are still in second. Slight bummer but not too big a bummer. And the Bills and the Lions controlling their own destiny! How interesting this all looks.

In The West!

Division Winners
1) Broncos
2) Cardinals
3) Packers
4) Chargers

Wild Card Spots
5) Colts
6) Cowboys

In The Hunt
Seahawks
49ers
Chiefs
Texans

And the Broncos are now 1st in their conference! Denver must be high on me for that slight bump up (Seriously Steve, so punny today). Chargers are now winning their division rather than just a wild card. You're welcome San Diego. Took away the Colts division leader status but don't fret Indy you are still in the playoffs. And no matter what I did with moving the divisions around, I'm sorry Oakland, there's no getting the Raiders even a nosebleed seat to see where the playoffs are. I could put them in their own division...I know they are good at beating themselves. Maybe that would help.

So, Goodell, other NFL big wigs, here is my proposal. Yes we will lose some rivalries. Yes we will lose tradition. Yes we will lose about 80% of the annual air traffic passing over Utah. But we've already lost so much. No more celebrations of more than one person. No more celebrations in which a player puts his hands on the ground. No more celebrations showcasing dance moves to any song released circa 1998. What's the NFL stand for anyway? No Fucking Love?! You wouldn't mind taking some more things away. You took things away in interest of player safety, why not take things away in interest of saving gas and travel expenses? And so that I don't have to explain TO ONE MORE GIRL I DATE "YEAH I KNOW, ST. LOUIS IS EAST OF DALLAS IT'S WEIRD AND YEAH INDY REALLY ISN'T IN THE SOUTH BUT THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS AND YEAH I WOULDN'T WANT TO TRAVEL FROM KANSAS CITY TO OAKLAND EITHER AND I DON'T KNOW WHY ALL THE CALIFORNIA TEAMS AREN'T TOGETHER OR THE FLORIDA TEAMS OR THE NEW YORK TEAMS OR THE TEXAS TEAMS IT SEEMS THE ONES WITH THE LARGEST AMOUNT OF ELECTORAL VOTES SPLIT THEIR TEAMS UP, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S WEIRD, AND NO WHEN I SAY I WANT A LEMONADE I DON'T WANT A PINK LEMONADE THAT JUST MEANS REGULAR LEMONADE YOU KNOW REGULAR LEMONADE IS YELLOW RIGHT AND...

Just try it my way once.



Friday, November 14, 2014

There's Plenty Of Catfish In The Sea

Yes there are Plenty Of Fish out there. There's even a dating site called Plenty Of Fish in which there exist plenty of fish. Plenty of Catfish as well. In my experiences using the site I'd say about 10% of the people on there are Catfish. You know what a Catfish is, right? Here's an example.

The girl I was talking to had pictures of "herself" looking like this.


Then she ended up looking like this.


(A lot of times these Catfishes end up having mustaches in real life, just like a real life catfish.) Sure maybe it's superficial to judge people based on their looks but when they lie about their looks I think it's OK since they're ugly all around. The only redeemable quality I can come up with for one of these people is that they could probably make a great spy.

In addition to the Catfish we have the Fatfish. Somewhat related. The Fatfish is FANTASTIC at taking pictures that shed anywhere between 20 to 50 pounds. Perhaps they're using a filter I don't know about. Toaster. Kelvin. Bulemic Sunrise. Lap Band Mist. Or perhaps they just know what angle to take their pictures at so as to "hide the fat" and "enhance the boobs". You ever see a fish or something else in the water and think you know what size it is, not realizing the surface of the water is distorting it's appearance. Then, once removed from the water you now see it's true size and shape. Same thing.

Example...on the dating site.


In real life. Real, sad life.


The Fatfish makes up about 25% of Plenty Of Fish.

Then we have the Hammerheads. Ooh a shark! You think to yourself, "What a glorious beast. So majestic." And it is. Amazing looking. But then after you talk to them you realize...oh...maybe she doesn't have a brain. Maybe there's just a bag full of hammers in there. Because...who would correct my use of farther and further when I know the rule to that shit and apply it SPOT ON every time! She also told me "farther" isn't a word. Only "further" is. Hammerhead. I did not wish to be near her. To further my point I moved farther away from that dummy.

Hammerheads can also just refer to a girl with her eyes to far apart from one another. Sure that seems mean but no one wants to try to kiss someone who can't see you coming in to plant one on them. You could really injure yourself there. Both types of hammerheads combined make up 20% of this site.


Then you got your guppies, girls that are too shy to ever meet up with you. They just went on the site to turn people down I guess. The Angler Fish, I always working an angle. "Yeah MAYBE we should meet up. MAYBE you should check out my site, I'm trying to become a singer." Great. A girl that will finally talk to me and she just wants to sing to me. Mahi Mahi - A foreign and exotic one...but doesn't speak much English and doesn't understand ANY OF YOUR JOKES...even though you are clearly coming at her with your best material. Goldfish - Gold diggers. Largemouth Bass - heh heh. Eels - Conversation long like an eel. "Let's really get to know each other before we meet up. I think we should talk for 9 months before we even consider meeting." I think you must be joking. 9 months? What did you just get knocked up? Seahorses - The feminists. "Why should a female HAVE TO carry the baby? Why can't a man do it?" I don't know I don't make the rules. Or the genitals. Just dealing with the dick I got. Umm...are you pissed at me? (Yes, she's pissed at you.) Did I do something? (No you didn't do anything other than be born a man.) Should I keep talking to you? (No you shouldn't. SWIM AWAY!) All of these constitute about 40% of the site.

Yup you guessed it. There's only 5% left. Or maybe you didn't guess it and you did the math. Following along to see if I messed up and counted over 100. Oh you'd love that wouldn't you? But no. We have accounted for 95% of the site. So what IS the remaining 5%? I'm not sure.But these are the ones that I actually have a good conversation with. That I feel like I click with. That.....stop messaging me back out of nowhere. What the hell? What---ohhh. This one was an actual fish and died staying on land for too long. It in fact was not messaging me it's deepest feelings it was just flopping around on the keyboard, jumping for dear life, smashing keys at random. Trying desperately to get back into some water.

Oh well. Better than getting Catfished.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Some Of The Best Noises

Some of the best noises

1 - Alec Baldwin saying anything...as long as it's just above a whisper.

2 - Mila Kunis saying anything...as long as she is naked.

3 - Ice hitting the sides of your glass...assuming your glass is filled with an alcoholic beverage.

4 - A fat man trying for an entire minute to get up from a leather couch.

5 - Someone with dress shoes walking across a wooden floor.

6 - That dinosaur in Jurassic Park. The one that kills Newman. That noise it makes.

Some of the best noises to make me salivate

I guess that would be #2 and #3

Some of the best noises to make me erect

Ironically...I think it's all 6

Some of the best noises to make me laugh

#1, #4 and #6

Some of the best noises to teach someone why they should not become a fat ass

#2, #4 and #6

Some of the WORST noises to hear when you're all alone and it's dark

#5 and #6

The best noise to hear when YOU are naked

#2

Aw who am I kidding...let's throw in #1 as well. (That Baldwin Whisper is deadly!)



Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Time To Browse Through That Dating Website

You go on that dating website you belong to. AlrightArrowBoy or whatever the shit it's called.

"Let me do some browsing of lady's profiles." You say out loud to no one because no one is there because you are alone which is why you are on this site. (It's OK, I'm right there with ya.)

You start to open up profiles and read...

"I'm a free spirit. I don't like to be tied down by the standards people that we don't even know, have set before us. I do what makes me happy."

Oh OK you don't have a job and I will be paying for everything. Next.

"I'm not a princess but I expect to be treated very well. No need to wait on me hand and foot but treat me like I am special. I love a gentleman. I like to believe chivalry is still alive."


Oh I see...you actually DO act like a princess and you DO expect to be waited on hand and foot. Otherwise why would you bring it up? You probably have a job but will spend all your money on things for yourself and I will be paying for everything (as a gentleman does). Next.

"I don't mean to sound cocky but I deserve the best..."

Don't need to read anymore. I'll pay for everything except the one time you buy us ice cream and you'll make a huge deal out of it because YOU the GIRL bought us something. It's 2014! This is not anything to brag about! Next.
"Come up with something interesting for us to do on our first date. No thanks with the cliche "Let's go to dinner."

You're gonna hate whatever I pick no matter what and even if I get a second chance and we end up going to dinner...I bet I'm paying. Next.

"I need an honest man...a man who will take care of me..."

Yeah honestly...we haven't even met yet. Take care of you? You've never picked up a check for dinner have you?

"I love clubbing, going out drinking, bars..."

You sound expensive. Also you just named 3 things that are almost all the same. Sweet hobbies.

"Prove to me why you deserve to go out with me..."

What with money? Next.

"I'm not even sure why I'm on this site..."

Yeah I'm not sure why I'm looking at your profile.


"
No voy a estar pagando por mí mismo."


Sounds like we won't have much to talk about...and like my bank account will be shrinking. Donde esta mi wallet?

"I don't expect for the man to pay for me. We haven't even met. I have my own money, I can pay for myself. I do not need to rely on a man to buy my dinner. I want to be treated as equal and I do not see that there should be any difference when it comes to dating."


Alright...what the fuck is wrong with this one? She's hiding something.

And that's how it goes. Not to sound like a cynic. But you check out 10 profiles...then you decide to backtrack...maybe I was being too critical, you say. Maybe I'll message 3 of them. I'd feel dumb if I came on here tonight and didn't message anyone. So..... #1 #2 and #9 because they were the hottest.


And now you're working overtime just to buy yourself lunch...


Friday, May 30, 2014

This One Time...



One time a girl bought a round of drinks for me and her which included

- A drink for her
- And nothing for me as I pulled the car around to pick her up because it was cold outside

(Note: Not a fucking round when you only buy one drink. Has to be multiple drinks dummy!)

One time a girl told me I was too negative and that I should just do whatever I want and scrap the word can't from my vocabulary. 30 minutes later she told me she wanted to get a tattoo, I told her she should. She said she can't because she doesn't have the money. Then she asked me to pay for it. Guess who got in trouble when they pointed out who was using what words.

(The guy who was right.)

One time a girl told me something was going to cost one amount and it ended up costing 4 times as much.

(That girl was a stripper.)

One time a girl cheated so I broke up with her. Sure it was Monopoly but I take that game seriously and feel that is a direct reflection of the type of person you are.

(I'm always the banker now.)

One time I held a door open for a girl and she responded with "I hate you right now."

(I only walk through automatic doors now...too traumatized to do otherwise.)

One time a girl only showed me one boob so my total boob count will forever be messed up.

(Everyone else I know has an even number.)

One time a girl stole a Mountain Dew right out of my hand. It was one can off a six pack and I suppose I didn't need them all but still...bitches thirsty for the Dew.

(Also I just won them in a raffle at the high school dance so they really meant a lot to me.)

One time a girl read this entire post and

- Got hearts in her eyes for me like the popular emoji
- Fell in love with me
- Proposed to me

And I said yes.

(Kidding…I’d never say yes. I have to do the proposing. Duh.)

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Diagonal Walkers

Here's the situation.
It's Saturday night and you just got to the grocery store cause you realized you were low on milk, condoms and NyQuil and that's where you get all of those things. Normally it's cool to be like, "Yo I'm low on condoms broseph!" but in this case you actually ran out cause you had no paper towels in the house and that was what you cleaned up that pasta sauce spill with. It was the only option. Oh yeah you need paper towels too.

Anywho, you're in a rush and you're driving up to the store and you're in the parking lot. A pedestrian needs to cross so you slow down...cause you're nice. A lot of people don't walk straight across if they aren't directly in front of the doors. And that's fine. This is where you get diagonal walkers. But the angle at which they cross is important.

Pedestrians in this situation, if a car slows down for you, be mindful! Obviously the quickest way to get out of the car's way is to walk straight across...in a perpendicular path to the path the car is taking. Observe...in this aerial image provided to me from a military helicopter and shut up that is too what cars look like from an aerial view when you're drawing in Paint OK?!


The red dotted line is the path the pedestrian takes. No need to do that. Take an angle so you can minimize walking time to the door. But watch your fucking angle! Here is an acceptable angle.


Taking a little bit of time off your journey. Here is another acceptable one.


Basically a 45 degree angle. That's cool. Now driver, remember you're here at the store cause you need your milk, your jimmy hats you won't be using anytime soon, your sleepy juice and your paper towels...so you want to get that stuff right away. (Yes maybe the driver is me but I'm addressing YOU as if the driver is YOU so what?) But you want to get in and get out. No one's trying to spend all day at the grocery on a Saturday night when you could be at home calling all your friends looking for plans and finding none at all! And then...here is the angle this Diagonal Walker decides to take.


Oh thanks dick-shit! I'm only waiting back here for 2 fucking minutes as you cross a 20 foot space in the slowest time I have ever seen! Are you trying to get run over? Do you have nowhere to be and nothing on Netflix? Do you have a deathwish? Do you not hear the MONSTROUS ENGINE OF MY SWEET ASS MOM-HATCHBACK PURRING BEHIND YOU?! And what the fuck is up with those side steps? Haven't you hear what Big Daddy Kane said? "Ain't no Side Steppin" OK maybe that's not exactly what he said but it's close enough and the man also has an album titled "Taste Of Chocolate" featuring songs such as "Taste Of Chocolate Intro" and "Taste Of Chocolate Exit" and "Put Your Weight On It" so I think you should probably listen to him.

Which means...

No Side Steppin!
Hurry the fuck up and get a Taste Of Chocolate as you Intro the store and quickly Exit the parking lot and my general vicinity.
And when you're trying to close a suitcase for the week and it's overflowing with clothes Put Your Weight On It.

That last one doesn't apply to this situation but it's still a fantastic tip.

Anyway, get the fuck out of my way Diagonal Walkers! I got a Saturday night to cry about cause I did nothing on it and I ain't doing it in the fucking parking lot! I'm doing it at home...

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I'm Sick! Bring Me A Soda!

When you have an upset stomach and you're a kid sometimes your Mom or Dad would say "Have a Ginger Ale, it's good for your stomach."

What?! Soda?! And it's not even a weekend or a best friend's birthday party?! I get to have soda?! It's the fucking best. Being allowed soda as a kid is the adult equivalent of......well there is no equal because no one is restricting your intake of anything as an adult. It's just the best.

And what is that about? A bubbly thing is good for your upset stomach. Is there a doctor that can explain this? My stomach is upset and feeling gurgly and bubbly so why not put something bubbly in it to calm it down. Wouldn't that just exacerbate the problem? You'd have double the bubble and then become equipped with mega farts. Maybe that's where the healing lies. Fart out the pain!

Regardless Ginger Ale is one of those awesome sodas that doesn't count as soda because it's apparently fucking medicine.

Sprite only counts as real soda half the time. Sprite's the next best if there is no Ginger Ale in the house.

Any of your fruit sodas, orange, strawberry, grape...those basically count as soda like 75% of the time. They can be used as well.

Coke and Pepsi...I'd give that a 90% of the time on actual soda...10% medicine to give you fart power to blast your sickness away in a hot, foggy cloud of see-ya-later!

Beer is carbonated. So I think that could be medicine sometimes too. I bet if you gave a kid beer when he had an upset stomach...or maybe like 7...well he'd shut up. And when the kid shuts up it is to be assumed he is all better. Parenting 101. We'll give beer a 5% medicine rate.

Vodka may not be bubbly, but most things I drink it with are bubbly so that should work too. Vodka is 4% medicine. Also it is often mixed with fruit juices and fruit is great for sick people so I say we bump that one up to like 12% for good measure. A screwdriver really is a phenomenal thing for your immune system.

I hear heroin numbs a lot of pains and often times there are bubbles in the needles right? Maybe it's bad to get a bubble into your bloodstream but I'm sure an upset stomach cancels that out. When the bubble enters your system and there is an upset stomach it skips the blood stream and heads right to where it's needed. It's like when you take ibuprofen and you have a tiny shoulder ache and a huge headache it goes to your head. Ibuprofen and heroin bubbles are the same...they are both very smart and know where they are needed most. That's why they're called drugs! So on that note heroin is 20% medicine ... we'll say.

And on that note as I just wrote "heroin is 20% medicine" I think it is time to end this post. I take no responsibility for what I said and you should not be relying solely on my advice. You should consult with a doctor. This is all based off a theory of being able to fart out your sickness. But.....if heroin does make people fart.....well then I think I have a solid case here. The proof is in the dope...as they say.

Friday, February 21, 2014

How To Kill A Hipster

You always hear people complaining about hipsters. How they wish there were no hipsters. Look, I'm tired of listening to you all complain. I'm not gonna go and kill them myself...too messy. And I really have nothing against them. But I'll offer up some advice. You can pay me back later. Here's how you kill a hipster.

Tell him he is a hipster. Compliment him on his hipster ways. Then tell him, it's so cool he's a hipster because hipsters are what's in right now. The knowledge of knowing he's a hipster, a hipster being someone who does the opposite of what's in, and knowing hipsters are in, which makes him in, but he's not cause he's a hipster, but he is in.....he will explode. Maybe implode. Basically he will cease to exist. His brain will flood with contradictory thoughts, his legs will swell up underneath his skinny jeans, his flannel whatever will be taut to his skin, he will sweat pools into his lumberjack boots, and his existence will light in a fiery flame of non-existence.

That's how you do it. Go around town telling every hipster you see the same thing and watch beanies and mustaches and lenseless glasses go flying about, flung from exploding bodies. They'll land amongst the streets. Garments and piles of facial hair and accessories lying about. Skateboards and those really tall, obnoxious bicycles rolling aimlessly down the streets. It will look like Spencer's turned inside out during a Halloween sale. But you will have accomplished your goal. And I can stop listening to you complain.

And think about this! There will be such a mess in the streets! Someone will need to clean this all up! Hey Obama, can you say 1,000 new jobs created in a single verbage spree? Plus all the job openings of the recently missing baristas and comic book salesmen and condescending people at clothing stores that say things like "Well, you can try it on if you think it might actually look good I guess" like shut up Randall I'll ask your opinion on if it looks good on me if I want to but right now I can't find the fucking dressing room in your dimly lit store cause buying a lightbulb is too much god damn effort for you people so could you just do your job and tell me where it is without furrowing your brow and biting your thumb nail and checking your Whatsapp notifications with your deep sighs like I'm wasting your time when you're supposed to be doing your fucking job?!

Really, I have nothing against them.

So Obama, you doing this or what?

Monday, February 10, 2014

Ask A Priest For Life Advice?

There are sometimes people go to priests for advice. They find themselves in a hard place and they need someone to turn to. A common choice...the priest. You see it in TV shows and movies all the time, but I wonder how much help they can be of...because they can't have sex.

Maybe that sounds really stupid, but think about it. Sex, ultimately is the motivation for a lot of things we do.

Want a good job? Why? To be successful, get plenty money, impress a lady, take her to dinner, maybe later take her home and have sex?

Why'd you get those new shoes girl? And that dress? To look nice on that date of yours in hopes later it would result in sex?

Haircut? New car? Why do some people search for fame and fortune? (I know haircuts are crucial, sometimes people just don't want to look shaggy or homeless...then who would have sex with you? And yes, a new car may be crucial for transporting you from one place to another...I get that. You can't get to that person's house to have sex with them unless you have a working car.)

Sex is one of our main goals in life. Something that's on our minds constantly. Something...that once we finally had it...that changed our life! Do you remember when you finally had sex? You couldn't remember life before it. Without it.

And people are asking advice from other people who have never experienced this? Have never had this joy? How could they help you make an informed decision when they don't know about the best feeling on Earth. I'm sure priests are aware that sex is an amazing feeling, there's no way they could avoid that ozone layer sized cloud of knowledge that circles the Earth. But they couldn't possibly know the degree in which it beats all the other best feelings on the planet.

I think priests know that the 3rd best feeling in the world is taking a shower after returning from the beach and they know the 2nd best feeling is taking some underwear fresh from the dryer on a cold, winter day and letting the warm cotton hug your freezing cold nether regions...and I think they know these from experience. And I think they know that sex is the best feeling ever...but they don't know from experience, so they don't know by how much it wins. They know the number 2 best feeling is like twice as good as number 3...and they probably think that number 1 is only twice as good as number 2.

But really it's like if you were to take every cold day you've ever experienced, experience them all at once completely naked, all while someone is throwing ice cubes at you and putting their cold, bare feet on your thighs like a horrible cuddler would, and then a pair of fresh-from-the-dryer underwear for each of those cold days is placed over your scared, cold turtle AND you are able to experience the feeling of a shower washing away the beach's sand from every visit to the ocean you've ever had AND you can experience the number 4 best feeling of when you've been holding in a garlic fart because someone you are attracted to is nearby and they finally leave and your butthole may finally untie from the knot it's in AND the number 5 best feeling of when you lift what you think is the last milano cookie holder out of the bag and realize there is one more on the bottom containing 5 more delicious cookies, tie that all together and then multiply it by 1,000 and then sir......then you have reached what would be equivalent to.....probably the worst sex you've ever had. And every other time you have sex...it's better than THAT.

And the person you are asking advice from...doesn't understand this. They make decisions in life without this knowledge. Without this experience. And you want them to lead you in the right direction. I'm sorry, but the chances of this priest knowing the right direction are worse than that of a lemming with an anti-compass and the half the mapquest directions coming back the other way.

I'm not saying people shouldn't ask priests for advice ever. If you want to, you should ask. I would just ask that people think of this one last thing. Would you ask an albino what exotic places are best to summer? Maybe they've read brochures but...come on!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Marshawn Lynch Has A Secret

Seattle fans...

Football fans...

Watchers of the Super Bowl...

Citizens of Earth...

It's conspiracy theory time...



Who else thinks it's true?

Friday, January 10, 2014

The Pretty Playoffs

It's the Pretty Playoffs! Yes the actual Real NFL Playoffs are currently underway and the teams have already been set, seeded and some even eliminated. But what if the NFL playoffs were decided in a different way? What if teams made it to the playoffs based purely off looks? You often hear people saying they think certain players are good looking. They often talk about the Quarterback being "the face of the team". What if we judged teams based on their face. Many people in the world are judged by their appearance...let's be superficial and apply that here.

Don't worry, I'm way ahead of you. Already did it! I kept all the teams in their divisions and polled 10 women. They had to rank the Quarterbacks 1-4, 1 being the best looking and 4 being the worst. You may say, "That's unfair, what if a particular division is very ugly? Someone gets in when they really don't deserve it?" Have you heard NFL analysts speak of divisions? There have been plenty of ugly divisions over the years. Maybe they mean something else by ugly...but it applies just the same. There have been teams with very bad records...records under .500 even...that have made the playoffs. That's what happens in an unattractive division. Maybe you're thinking, "What if someone plays in a tough (handsome) division? They might get screwed over?" It happens. This is football. Football is a game of skill, toughness, stamina...and sometimes facial features and bone structure.

OK, since I polled 10 women, and 1 is the best score and 4 is the worst score...you want a lower score. A perfect score (undefeated if you will) would be 10. And the worst you can score is a 40 (like winning no games basically). You may think those are strange numbers to use for best and worst...but if you want you can just go back to real football where a perfect Quarterback rating is 158.3 maybe that makes more sense to you.

In addition...there were a few teams this year that had problems at quarterback. Whether it be due to injuries or just indecisiveness, there were some teams that didn't have the same Quarterback start every game. In those cases, I thought it was fair to pick the Quarterback who started the most games for the team in the 2013 season. In some cases this could benefit the team or put them at a disadvantage if they didn't have their regular starter. But that is also what happens in real football. Anyway, I tallied up the scores and here are the final results.

AFC East

Tom Brady - 12
EJ Manuel - 23
Ryan Tannehill - 27
Geno Smith - 38

Brady wins his division by a decent margin. Not a big surprise...the ladies clearly love him. Pats still in the playoffs! Wicked awesome!

Sad Geno...should they have kept Sanchez?


AFC North

Joe Flacco - 18
Jason Campbell - 20
Andy Dalton - 28
Ben Roethlisberger - 34

Ooh Joe Flacco wins a close one over Campbell. Looks like if it were based off looks the Ravens actually would have made it to the playoffs this year. Sorry Baltimore. All the more reason to hope for a more superficial world. Poor Dalton.

Not enough women in this day and age appreciate a good Ginger.


AFC West

Alex Smith - 11
Philip Rivers - 24
Terrelle Pryor - 29
Peyton Manning - 36

Wow...quite the upset. Peyton Manning already eliminated from having a chance to go to the playoffs. And Alex Smith...maintaining his playoff position but also passing Brady and clinching a Bye week first round. Who saw that coming?

AFC South

Case Keenum - 10
Andrew Luck - 28
Chad Henne - 29
Ryan Fitzpatrick - 33

Yes, Fitzpatrick started more games than Locker...and yes Case Keenum started more games than Schaub and YES...Keenum got a perfect score! Case "The Pretty Boy" Keenum will be bringing the Texans to the playoffs with a first round Bye and home field throughout! Yes, the 2-14 Texans...seem to be lucky enough to find themselves in, well, one of THOSE divisions. Furthermore...let's find out who the wild cards are for the AFC which surprisingly has a few models on it's hands. Well, we need the top 2 scores that were not division winners. Those just happen to be Jason Campbell of the Browns with 20 and EJ Manuel of the Bills with 23. The Browns make the playoffs for the first time in over a decade? And the Bills who I believe have the longest drought of making a playoff appearance have now ended that with attractive-rookie-sensation EJ Manuel. A tough feat to pull off fighting against an Uggs Model.

So here's how the AFC would look in the Pretty Playoffs.


Now onto the NFC.

NFC East

Tony Romo - 18
Eli Manning - 19
Nick Foles - 29
RGIII - 34

Well, Mr. Romo would have pleased Dallas fans more if this were the case...winning a close one for that city. Barely pulling one out over little Manning. In real life Foles gets lucky Vick gets injured and also the NFL still bases the playoffs off of football skills and records.

NFC North


Jay Cutler - 15
Aaron Rodgers - 20
Christian Ponder - 25
Matthew Stafford - 40

Ouch! Smokin' Jay Cutler sticks it to Rodgers this time instead of letting Rodgers get the better of him. And Stafford scores a 40...however this could possibly be attributed to this being a fairly handsome division. Either way, the Lions have no chance and the Bears make the playoffs this year.

Smokin' Jay Cutler trumps Mustachioed Aaron Rodgers.


NFC West

Russel Wilson - 16
Colin Kaepernick - 21
Carson Palmer - 27
Kellen Clemens - 36

Yes Sam Bradford was injured just before midway through the season so Clemens took over and did the Rams no favors. Sorry bub. Russel Wilson keeps the division to himself with that winning smile. Kapernick continues to be nipping at his heels...from a bit of a safer distance this time around.

NFC South
Drew Brees - 14
Cam Newton - 19
Matt Ryan - 27
Mike Glennon - 40

Ouch! Another 40! Well at least there was 2 of them so they aren't alone. And now Tampa Bay and Detroit get to fight over who gets the first round pick to use on a young, handsome Quarterback coming fresh out of college. And Drew Brees snakes the division from Cam this time around. And he secures a Bye week and home field throughout. That Nyquil Sippin' Saint did a good job here in the NFC. Don't be sad Panthers fans, Cam and Carolina still grab a wild card spot along with Eli and the Giants...with the same score. And the 49ers, an actual Wild Card team this year, will not be going to the playoffs. Bet you guys wish you didn't get rid of Alex Smith so quickly...those blue eyes would have destroyed the NFC! So the NFC playoff picture looks like this.


Now, I know you may be asking, how did I decide Eli got the 6 seed and Cam got the 5 seed when they have the same score? Fair question. Well I had to make a judgement call.

Also...this.


You're lucky the Giants weren't kicked out of the playoffs altogether on principle alone.

Anyway, these are your Pretty Playoffs and these are the players. They carried their teams on their backs, so as to avoid damaging their handsome faces. It was a long and grueling journey but in the end...gorgeous triumphed over not so gorgeous. As we have been taught in our lives, that is the way things should be. So next time you see your Quarterback throwing the ball out of bounds to avoid getting hit and you think, "Come on! Try to make a play happen!" just remember, he may be saving himself for the Pretty Playoffs.