Friday, October 4, 2013

Am I Love-Retarded?

Am I Love-Retarded? No, I'm not talking about those people who say things like "Retarded-In-Love" or "So In Love I Feel Stupid". No those people ARE stupid, whether it be from being in love or other reasons...if you say anything like that...you're stupid.

I'm not sappy and going to declare, "When I'm in love colors seem brighter and birds chirping sounds better and foods just taste better." Shut up. You probably have a line of blind people, deaf people and if it exists...tasteless people (no not people who wear Crocs)...who want to slap you in the face.

What I mean...is I think my Love Functions may be retarded. Just like a mentally retarded person has Brain Functions that do not work properly. I think I have that. I'm trying to avoid being offensive and I imagine it isn't working. (Am I supposed to say mentally handicapped? I feel like mentally retarded is a proper term but just seems so mean since people use retarded in a derogatory term.) But it is true that mentally retarded people do not have the capacity in certain parts of their brains that most people have. And...as I'm pretty certain...a lot of mentally retarded people probably don't really know they are.

Have you ever wondered if you were retarded? Ever have that moment...If I was retarded, I wouldn't know. Would my friends tell me? Of course not. Wait, are they my real friends? Are these just people in my life who are being nice to me? Granted, if you've ever thought this, you've probably also thought, "Well, if I have the ability to think ABOUT this, I'm probably all good."

But just like I have wondered "Am I retarded and I just don't know it?" I am now wondering "Am I Love-Retarded?" The point I'm JUST NOW getting to, is what the fuck is wrong with me? No, I'm not a sad blubbering mess. I can laugh at myself. A lot. But I have all these failed dating experiences, especially as of late. Most of which fail for reasons I am completely clueless to. When I just stop hearing from girls...the most common of them all. Dates and/or communication seems to be going well and then it's as if the girl gets drafted by the CIA (drafted???) and must cut off all ties with friends and family. Or like they get sucked into some other dimension where they don't have wifi or cell service and can't even give me a heads up.

ALLISON: Yo Steve. Got sucked into another dimension. Lolz. No idea when ill b bak. Send help lolz theres a huge, fluffy, white, talking dragon thats givin me googly eyes and im freaked out fo sho.

But I know they still have all those privileges because I still see their updates on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and I SWEAR I'M NOT STALKING THEM I JUST HAVE ALL THIS FREE TIME SINCE I GET STOOD UP AND CANCELLED ON ALL THE TIME SO I RELY ON THE INTERNETSSSS! Scout's honor. (I was never a Scout but I'm a fan of their honor...)

But this happens to me all the time. These girls I'm communicating via text lose interest or lose their thumbs. I don't know which but communication comes to a standstill. I think I must be Love-Retarded. In that, I think everything is normal, I think everything is going great...but it's not. It's going horribly and I just can't see it because of my heart's handicap. I'm oblivious. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've decided I should just list the most common things I do and see if anyone notices anything out of the ordinary.

- Ask her where she would like to go to dinner. Too indecisive? Should I be a man and choose the place?

- Offer to pick her up. Is that not proper what with equal rights? Would she prefer to be treated like anyone else and be expected to drive?

- When the bill comes offer to pay and when she does that fake "You sure?" that we all know she's just doing to seem polite but really it's an empty gesture as she expects me to pay I then reply with, "Hmm maybe I'm not sure. Split it?" Does she want me to partake in the whole song and dance when she asks if I'm sure then I say "Yes" then she asks one more time "Positive?" then I'm like "Yes, absolutely."???

- Wait til the second date to invite her to my place. Too soon? Not soon enough?

- Wait til the third date to punch her square in the vagina. Too soon? Not soon enough?

- Invite her to meet my friends ONLY when she brings it up. Do I suggest it? Isn't that too demanding to try to make her meet my friends when she doesn't even know me well enough?

Like seriously, how am I supposed to know what I'm doing wrong? I could go on and on and list all the other things that come up during your regular date but they're just going to seem like ordinary activities like the above. Perhaps I'll never know. No one will ever tell me if I'm Love-Retarded. I did have to take separate Love-Classes in the small room next to the cafeteria in High School...but I thought that was just ironic. I aced all my Love-Classes even though I don't remember doing any homework at all. Usually we got to leave class early and go to Lunch before all the other kids because we had a cool teacher. Looking back at all that I wonder...perhaps I am Love-Retarded...or Love-Handicapped....oh what the fuck ever, it's my condition I'll call it whatever I want.

How about, Mongoloid of the Heart?

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