Friday, October 4, 2013

Am I Love-Retarded?

Am I Love-Retarded? No, I'm not talking about those people who say things like "Retarded-In-Love" or "So In Love I Feel Stupid". No those people ARE stupid, whether it be from being in love or other reasons...if you say anything like that...you're stupid.

I'm not sappy and going to declare, "When I'm in love colors seem brighter and birds chirping sounds better and foods just taste better." Shut up. You probably have a line of blind people, deaf people and if it exists...tasteless people (no not people who wear Crocs)...who want to slap you in the face.

What I mean...is I think my Love Functions may be retarded. Just like a mentally retarded person has Brain Functions that do not work properly. I think I have that. I'm trying to avoid being offensive and I imagine it isn't working. (Am I supposed to say mentally handicapped? I feel like mentally retarded is a proper term but just seems so mean since people use retarded in a derogatory term.) But it is true that mentally retarded people do not have the capacity in certain parts of their brains that most people have. And...as I'm pretty certain...a lot of mentally retarded people probably don't really know they are.

Have you ever wondered if you were retarded? Ever have that moment...If I was retarded, I wouldn't know. Would my friends tell me? Of course not. Wait, are they my real friends? Are these just people in my life who are being nice to me? Granted, if you've ever thought this, you've probably also thought, "Well, if I have the ability to think ABOUT this, I'm probably all good."

But just like I have wondered "Am I retarded and I just don't know it?" I am now wondering "Am I Love-Retarded?" The point I'm JUST NOW getting to, is what the fuck is wrong with me? No, I'm not a sad blubbering mess. I can laugh at myself. A lot. But I have all these failed dating experiences, especially as of late. Most of which fail for reasons I am completely clueless to. When I just stop hearing from girls...the most common of them all. Dates and/or communication seems to be going well and then it's as if the girl gets drafted by the CIA (drafted???) and must cut off all ties with friends and family. Or like they get sucked into some other dimension where they don't have wifi or cell service and can't even give me a heads up.

ALLISON: Yo Steve. Got sucked into another dimension. Lolz. No idea when ill b bak. Send help lolz theres a huge, fluffy, white, talking dragon thats givin me googly eyes and im freaked out fo sho.

But I know they still have all those privileges because I still see their updates on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and I SWEAR I'M NOT STALKING THEM I JUST HAVE ALL THIS FREE TIME SINCE I GET STOOD UP AND CANCELLED ON ALL THE TIME SO I RELY ON THE INTERNETSSSS! Scout's honor. (I was never a Scout but I'm a fan of their honor...)

But this happens to me all the time. These girls I'm communicating via text lose interest or lose their thumbs. I don't know which but communication comes to a standstill. I think I must be Love-Retarded. In that, I think everything is normal, I think everything is going great...but it's not. It's going horribly and I just can't see it because of my heart's handicap. I'm oblivious. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've decided I should just list the most common things I do and see if anyone notices anything out of the ordinary.

- Ask her where she would like to go to dinner. Too indecisive? Should I be a man and choose the place?

- Offer to pick her up. Is that not proper what with equal rights? Would she prefer to be treated like anyone else and be expected to drive?

- When the bill comes offer to pay and when she does that fake "You sure?" that we all know she's just doing to seem polite but really it's an empty gesture as she expects me to pay I then reply with, "Hmm maybe I'm not sure. Split it?" Does she want me to partake in the whole song and dance when she asks if I'm sure then I say "Yes" then she asks one more time "Positive?" then I'm like "Yes, absolutely."???

- Wait til the second date to invite her to my place. Too soon? Not soon enough?

- Wait til the third date to punch her square in the vagina. Too soon? Not soon enough?

- Invite her to meet my friends ONLY when she brings it up. Do I suggest it? Isn't that too demanding to try to make her meet my friends when she doesn't even know me well enough?

Like seriously, how am I supposed to know what I'm doing wrong? I could go on and on and list all the other things that come up during your regular date but they're just going to seem like ordinary activities like the above. Perhaps I'll never know. No one will ever tell me if I'm Love-Retarded. I did have to take separate Love-Classes in the small room next to the cafeteria in High School...but I thought that was just ironic. I aced all my Love-Classes even though I don't remember doing any homework at all. Usually we got to leave class early and go to Lunch before all the other kids because we had a cool teacher. Looking back at all that I wonder...perhaps I am Love-Retarded...or Love-Handicapped....oh what the fuck ever, it's my condition I'll call it whatever I want.

How about, Mongoloid of the Heart?

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

She's A Cougar, But What Does She Hunt?

She's a lady. She's older. She's HAWWWWT! No she doesn't have any kids...that would make her a MILF. So what is she? The all too familiar term, the cougar! And so flattering, to name this breed of woman after a breed of large cat. Hey I don't make up the names. I just use them appropriately.


But I started thinking critically about this. Do I need to help make up names? I feel as though we've overlooked a very important breed of person. The cougars always go after the younger men. So what are those younger men? Those younger men that always end up with the cougars.

She is the cougar because she ever so cunningly hunts her prey...and lands it! Her prey, often times a young male. Naive to the world, left the nest, oh but only years ago. He has set off into the wild (University of Whatever The Fuck) and is still trying to make sense of things. He used to have a steady healthy diet of vegetables, meatloafs, lasagnas, whatever Mom was cooking up. Now he forages for what he can find. Bricks of pasta with a beefy or chickeny dust to flavor it with. Sticks of beef. Square crackers with cheesy flavoring. These are the most common aspects of the diet. And the ever popular.....BEER BRO! He is skilled enough to land himself these foods and beverages, but he lacking a well-rounded diet. He is lacking appropriate shelter that isn't "Higgins' couch" or "T-Money's futon". He is also lacking guidance. Guidance he would get from his mother but refuses to request since "She's all up in my business and doesn't get he's a college grad and junk!" He thinks he has a grasp on the world, but he has let his guard down. And the cougar moves in on her prey. Her prey is dumbstruck, travelling in packs does not help. They are completely helpless to the cougar!


I mean look at these guys, they can't stop a cougar attack. She starts by pouncing on them....... with expensive shots from the bar she bought herself.
She moves so quickly across the forest floor in her..... Pontiac.
And she drags them by the neck...one at a time...back to her lair/condiminium she has almost paid off.

So, who are these guys?

Well, cougars in real life hunt many types of deer, elk and moose. They at times hunt small to medium sized rodents and other mammals. Also bighorn sheep.


Wouldn't it be fitting if the young man fresh out of college quite susceptible to the cougar women of the world was named after her prey? I personally think Moose is the best fitting. Deer and elk just doesn't have any flare to it. No catchiness. And though bighorn sheep has all those things...I think Moose embodies it much better. And let's be honest, we know there's gotta be at least 9 guys in the world that finished college within the last year or so, who's nickname is Moose. That is just the perfect nickname for one of these guys.

I don't want to be the only one voicing my opinion. I don't think I'm necessarily qualified to come up with this name. But I feel so strongly that this name has to be created and I'm hoping maybe I can lead us in the right direction. And who knows, maybe my suggestion is good enough. Since more often, you hear young men using the word Cougar...maybe it's the Cougars who would get the most use out of this term. What do you think women? Moose? Is that what you like? Is that the fresh, young body you desire to bring back to your queen-sized bed with the Pink Floyd sheets? Is it fitting? Voice your opinion. You have a lot of power in this decision...if not most of it. You are strong, independent women!

Come on, I know you want to say it. "I am cougar! Hear me roar!" And grab you a moose...