Sunday, August 18, 2013

Stop Monitoring My Bathroom Activity

I have gone to the bathroom. So you assume I have to urinate or defecate? Not always the case bub.

I have gone to the bathroom.

10% chance I am going to pee.

10% chance I am going to poop.

14% chance I just realized my lives have all restored in Candy Crush and poppa's got a fix that needs an itchin'.

17% chance I've been listening to you talk about a subject I know nothing about or do not care about at all and you have not taken the hint with my several, Well that's cools, and the couple times I checked my phone and the little backward baby steps I keep slowly taking away from you. Fuck, did you think I was practicing my moonwalking?

3% chance you are the same person mentioned above and I just imagine you are going to start talking about something uninteresting again and you are approaching and I DON'T TAKE NO DAMN CHANCES ALRIGHT?!

8% chance I have to fart and I'm saving the world because it was Taco Tuesday and I know myself too well.

2% chance I need a sink because I had to shake someone's hands and they're one of those people who's only pores are located in the palms of their hands.

15% chance the drop off is in the bathroom and Frankie just texted me the code words, POWDERED DOUGHNUTS IN THE BREAKROOM, and his guys is waiting and the last time I made him wait too long...well let's just say I wasn't in shape to run any marathons for a few weeks.

15% chance INTERNET!

5% chance I forgot what I was actually going to do so I decided a rest on the porcelain throne can't hurt and might actually refresh my memory...or at the very least will deliver a nice, cool sensation to my Captain's Quarters.

And.... 1% chance for all your miscellaneous situations, throwing up, fixing a wedgie, smelling my fingers in private, thinking up a joke, stealing toilet paper, etc.

So maybe you'll think next time before you tell me "Hey you sure go to the bathroom a lot Steve. Think maybe you should see a doctor about that?" No I don't think I need to see a doctor just because I shake hands with sweaty people, talk to annoying people, sometimes drink a little too much, never learn my lesson any given Tuesday night, am addicted to Twitter and other .coms, need private time, do secret coke secret toilet paper stealing runs......these things do not require a doctor! Now stop monitoring my bathroom activity. Frankie would not be pleased.....

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