Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Wouldn't Change A Thing

You know I wouldn't change one moment of my life. I wouldn't make any single decision differently. And I say this because every choice I have made in life has brought me exactly where I am right now. The exact way I am, how I feel, every detail about me and my life is because of every single thing that has happened to me along the way.

Though, thinking about it now, that one time the barista at Starbuck's gave me my coffee and I had a split second where I didn't know if I wanted to say "Thanks" or "Thank you" and it came out as "Thanks you"...I could really do without that. I mean, say I just said "Thanks" like a normal human being...that wouldn't change anything about where I am in life right now. And I would have felt a lot less stupid that day.

Also, how about that time in Junior year of high school during the test in Videography. I was certain it was gonna be a silent fart, just slowly seep out undetected by anyone. Like a quick breath of the butt. And it turned out I was sitting on a chair with incredible acoustics and my butt cheeks happened to be poised for noise. Wow, it was so silent in our classroom and it was interrupted by what sounded like I just made a trumpet orgasm! Maybe I could take that moment back. Hold the fart in, let it do whatever it does when you hold a fart...what does it do? Disappear? Head back inside and look for reinforcements? I bet that's what happens...that's why some farts smell worse. You hold them in and let them marinate...and collect more fart buddies to erupt into the world with. Maybe we should stop holding farts in. However, just that one time I would have liked to have held a fart in. Again, don't think it would change anything about me now. Could have done without that.

Or that time someone mentioned a woman being in Mensa and I said I thought it was for men only. Men-sa. Then they told me that was one of the many reasons I was not in Mensa. And they laughed at me. Again...maybe that could have been one of the times I kept my mouth shut. What would change about where I am now? Nothing. Kept my mouth shut...not let that little fart-statement out that I thought wasn't gonna be a big deal. Instead turned out to be a loud, stinky, moronic declaration of thought-gas.

Fuck, now I just wish I could change everything. Yeah there's a lot of stuff I want to take back. I say a lot of dumb stuff. How about every time my voice has cracked past the age of 17? Those have ALL been unnecessary. One of them was during sex! Please give me that moment back. Let me go back in that moment and decide...you know what...dirty talking not needed here. Keep quiet. How about the 19 different times I was in a romantic moment and should have kept it there but ruined it with a joke? Can I have like half of those back? I honestly don't know why I always think it's good timing. If I get my way, I will probably drastically alter where I am now...but imagine if I took away all of those instances...I'd probably be this well-adjusted, smooth-talking, suave dude. I'd be invincible!

But I guess that isn't me. So perhaps I should leave everything alone.

Except the voice cracking in bed, seriously! Come on! Just give me one! What horrible timing!

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