Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Is That A Banana In Your Pants?

Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Wait, you put bananas in your pants when you're happy?

Wait, you're a monkey and your actions have absolutely no meaning?

Wait, are those the bananas I bought today for the Smoothees I was going to make?

Wait, are those my pants?!

Wait, is your monkey erection pressed up against the bananas or my pants cause I need to know what to throw out!

Wait, is the zoo this pissed I want to return something to them? It's been less than 30 days and I'm not satisfied!

Wait, you're not supposed to take animals home from the zoo?!

Wait, they took my brother as collateral?! My older brother who I've known my whole life and have looked up to but has always brushed me off as nothing and made fun of me and teased and harassed me and even once locked me inside the trunk of a car and if I don't return the monkey they're keeping him.....

.....No monkey, that is not a banana in my pants. I'm just happy to see you.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Wouldn't Change A Thing

You know I wouldn't change one moment of my life. I wouldn't make any single decision differently. And I say this because every choice I have made in life has brought me exactly where I am right now. The exact way I am, how I feel, every detail about me and my life is because of every single thing that has happened to me along the way.

Though, thinking about it now, that one time the barista at Starbuck's gave me my coffee and I had a split second where I didn't know if I wanted to say "Thanks" or "Thank you" and it came out as "Thanks you"...I could really do without that. I mean, say I just said "Thanks" like a normal human being...that wouldn't change anything about where I am in life right now. And I would have felt a lot less stupid that day.

Also, how about that time in Junior year of high school during the test in Videography. I was certain it was gonna be a silent fart, just slowly seep out undetected by anyone. Like a quick breath of the butt. And it turned out I was sitting on a chair with incredible acoustics and my butt cheeks happened to be poised for noise. Wow, it was so silent in our classroom and it was interrupted by what sounded like I just made a trumpet orgasm! Maybe I could take that moment back. Hold the fart in, let it do whatever it does when you hold a fart...what does it do? Disappear? Head back inside and look for reinforcements? I bet that's what happens...that's why some farts smell worse. You hold them in and let them marinate...and collect more fart buddies to erupt into the world with. Maybe we should stop holding farts in. However, just that one time I would have liked to have held a fart in. Again, don't think it would change anything about me now. Could have done without that.

Or that time someone mentioned a woman being in Mensa and I said I thought it was for men only. Men-sa. Then they told me that was one of the many reasons I was not in Mensa. And they laughed at me. Again...maybe that could have been one of the times I kept my mouth shut. What would change about where I am now? Nothing. Kept my mouth shut...not let that little fart-statement out that I thought wasn't gonna be a big deal. Instead turned out to be a loud, stinky, moronic declaration of thought-gas.

Fuck, now I just wish I could change everything. Yeah there's a lot of stuff I want to take back. I say a lot of dumb stuff. How about every time my voice has cracked past the age of 17? Those have ALL been unnecessary. One of them was during sex! Please give me that moment back. Let me go back in that moment and decide...you know what...dirty talking not needed here. Keep quiet. How about the 19 different times I was in a romantic moment and should have kept it there but ruined it with a joke? Can I have like half of those back? I honestly don't know why I always think it's good timing. If I get my way, I will probably drastically alter where I am now...but imagine if I took away all of those instances...I'd probably be this well-adjusted, smooth-talking, suave dude. I'd be invincible!

But I guess that isn't me. So perhaps I should leave everything alone.

Except the voice cracking in bed, seriously! Come on! Just give me one! What horrible timing!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Stop Monitoring My Bathroom Activity

I have gone to the bathroom. So you assume I have to urinate or defecate? Not always the case bub.

I have gone to the bathroom.

10% chance I am going to pee.

10% chance I am going to poop.

14% chance I just realized my lives have all restored in Candy Crush and poppa's got a fix that needs an itchin'.

17% chance I've been listening to you talk about a subject I know nothing about or do not care about at all and you have not taken the hint with my several, Well that's cools, and the couple times I checked my phone and the little backward baby steps I keep slowly taking away from you. Fuck, did you think I was practicing my moonwalking?

3% chance you are the same person mentioned above and I just imagine you are going to start talking about something uninteresting again and you are approaching and I DON'T TAKE NO DAMN CHANCES ALRIGHT?!

8% chance I have to fart and I'm saving the world because it was Taco Tuesday and I know myself too well.

2% chance I need a sink because I had to shake someone's hands and they're one of those people who's only pores are located in the palms of their hands.

15% chance the drop off is in the bathroom and Frankie just texted me the code words, POWDERED DOUGHNUTS IN THE BREAKROOM, and his guys is waiting and the last time I made him wait too long...well let's just say I wasn't in shape to run any marathons for a few weeks.

15% chance INTERNET!

5% chance I forgot what I was actually going to do so I decided a rest on the porcelain throne can't hurt and might actually refresh my memory...or at the very least will deliver a nice, cool sensation to my Captain's Quarters.

And.... 1% chance for all your miscellaneous situations, throwing up, fixing a wedgie, smelling my fingers in private, thinking up a joke, stealing toilet paper, etc.

So maybe you'll think next time before you tell me "Hey you sure go to the bathroom a lot Steve. Think maybe you should see a doctor about that?" No I don't think I need to see a doctor just because I shake hands with sweaty people, talk to annoying people, sometimes drink a little too much, never learn my lesson any given Tuesday night, am addicted to Twitter and other .coms, need private time, do secret coke deals.......er......i mean.......do secret toilet paper stealing runs......these things do not require a doctor! Now stop monitoring my bathroom activity. Frankie would not be pleased.....