Friday, July 26, 2013

Sounds Like You Got Nothing Good To Say

"Hey Steve, you drinkin coffee there?"

Thanks for trying to be conversational but maybe only when you got something good to say. Sounds like you got nothing good to say.

"Hey Steve, eating salad huh?"

Well, I'm not shoving it up my ass. Good detection skills. When you saw me put my fork in the salad, then put my fork in my mouth while holding a small percentage of the salad, then remove my fork from my mouth but keep the salad in my mouth you clearly deciphered I was eating salad. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. This is what you think is a good sentence to start off a new topic for us to discuss? Sounds like you got nothing good to say.

"Hey Steve, are you working?"

Are you, as my coworker, not entirely certain if I too am working while currently inhabiting the same office as you? You're here working. I'm here too. But you're not sure if I'm working? Or is it that you feel like talking but don't actually have anything good to say. Sounds like it.

Hey, you don't have to say anything when you see me. You can walk right by.

Other Options:

Head nod.
"What's up?"
Quick wave.
High five.

Honestly I'd also accept:

Jerk Off Motion
Fart noise with mouth
Fart noise with butt
Fart noise while doing Jerk Off Motion

What's Really Unnecessary:

Commenting on what I'm holding/eating if it's what you see me holding/eating all the time.
Asking me a question you CLEARLY know the answer to.

I'm not antisocial. I'm just antistupid. Seriously guys, let's step the conversation up. I would like to talk to you. But not if 88% of my dialogue to you is the following words; Yes. Salad. Coffee. Yup. Blue Cheese.

And no don't ask me about the weather. Yes, we were both outside at some point today. Yes, we did both experience the weather. But we both have had a bowel movement in the past week most probably...I'm not bringing that up as a bonding experience.

Really, don't take it the wrong way. I like talking to people. But when it's substantial conversation. And I'm just not gettin that vibe here. Cause...I don't know...Sounds like you got nothing good to say.

Monday, July 22, 2013

I Got A Criminal Mind For Coffee

How does this guy Steve start all of his stories off?

"I was at Starbucks..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up! I know I do it. I don't care. You're going to read the rest of it anyway, aren't you?

So I was at Starbuck's. I had just gotten into line and noticed one of the guys in front of me was an actor I recognized from TV. It took me a minute to place him. I eventually figured out it was Matthew Gray Gubler from "Criminal Minds" and also "500 Days Of Summer". And I wasn't the only one to realize who he was.

The cashier was pretty damn excited when she realized who he was. She was talking to him, all giddy. I didn't really hear what about, but he was really nice and a very cool guy. He talked to her for a little while even after placing his order, and I believe offered to give her his autograph, clearly making this girl's week. The whole exchange took a little longer than your average interaction at the cash register. I didn't mind, I had nowhere to go. (Cue sad music.) But by the time I got to the register a sizeable line had formed behind me and the cashier seemed to just then notice.

She was still excited, filled with nerves, but now realizing she had let a bit of a line form. Again, no big deal. No one in line seemed to care, I sure didn't, and we all waited a little longer for a girl to talk to a celebrity she admired. We've all waited for girls to do things a lot less important than that. (Cue Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor grunt. Are you enjoying the array of sounds on my sound board?) But she seemed nervous like she had to push the line along quickly, and it was pretty obvious.

I ordered my coffee and wanted to recharge my Starbuck's card as it had nothing on it. My debit card had been having some problems recently, in which it won't register when swiped sometimes. Wouldn't you know it? It happened at this moment. Again. And again. And I noticed the cashier seemed to be getting a bit flustered. Trying the usual tricks. Scan it wrapped in receipt paper. Scan it with a gift card wedged behind it. Nothing was working. She asked if I had cash or another card. I actually did not. (Cue the trombone being played by a large man with asthma. "Womp Womp!") I asked if she could just punch the numbers in on my card, as they usually do for me when my shitty card refuses to work.

She kept glancing at the size of the line, seeming to not fully hear me she said, "I can't do that. We can get in trouble for that." I'm pretty sure she was thinking of something else, because to my understanding, that is what you do when a card won't swipe. That's like...the oldschool way of taking someone's debit card info. So, I'm pretty sure you can't get in trouble for that. It seems pretty legal. I understood she seemed flustered so I tried again.

"Are you sure? All the other times my card won't work, they just punch the numbers in manually."

She kept glancing at the size of the line and the people she had kept waiting. "No," she said again. "We aren't allowed to do that. My manager's here and I could get in trouble. Look I'll just give you your coffee for free and I guess you can just fill your card up another time. Sorry."

No need to apologize to me. You just gave me a free coffee! I still don't understand how that wouldn't get her in trouble, yet punching in my numbers and actually charging me for the coffee would. I don't know, I'm not one to poke at the snake that won't bite me when I know I look damn delicious.

Either way, it all boils down to this. Matthew Gray Gubler strolled on in to Starbuck's and because of his charming self...I got a free coffee! So thanks for the coffee Matthew! You're an awesome guy!