Thursday, June 6, 2013

Success Rates For Different Color Soaps

Here's the situation...you've just finished using the public bathroom and have moved over to the sink. You've turned the faucet on and...the moment of truth...you pump the soap dispenser into your hand! (You know, assuming you're note gross. Germs, man.) What type of soap are you gonna get? Could be:

White Foamy Soap
50% Chance of smelling good and clean
50% Chance it's cheap shit that dissolves before you can clasp both your hands together, becomes a sticky mess and just smells like someone's spilt soda.

Yellow Soap
10% Chance it actually smells like something yellow and is mildly pleasant
90% Chance it's that shit they use because it has no known allergens in it and is acceptable to use in any establishment. I worked in a restaurant that had this, they use it to avoid the chance lawsuit of someone having a reaction to the soap. Like that would fucking happen, Applebee's!

Transparent Soap
30% Chance it smells like the transparent gummy bears that no one knows if they're really pineapple or what but regardless of what they are you're like..."Eh, I guess it's pretty good."
70% Chance it smells like a walrus bingeing on Froot Loops for the past month shit it out into a dog's water dish.

Pink Soap
65% Chance this will smell fruity and pleasant. Like any red candy you may have unwrapped on Halloween.
30% Chance it actually smells delicious...like something you want to eat...now!
5% chance it smells like the opposite of pink and you're wondering if you would have been better off not washing your hands at all. (Yes, you actually would have been.)

Blue Soap
100% Chance this will smell a-fucking-mazing! The blue soap always smells fantastic! Like a fruity wonderland! Any place that has blue soap in their restroom really, truly does give a damn about their customers. They have basically set you up with the penthouse suite in terms of lathering up your hands.

And honestly if I had made this list 3 years ago I would have stopped there. As I had not yet ever encountered...

Green Soap
Now, this one is touchy. I've only encountered it once...and it was incredible. Fresh melon scent, sensual enough to pucker up your butthole and make you want to go poop again just so you can wash your hands again. But one example is not enough. It can not truly be labeled as a 100% success rate as that would be based off one data entry. However, green soap has never let me down in a public restroom. I can honestly say that. Please let me know if you ever encounter green melon soap in a public restroom other than on the Sony lot. Give me your reaction. I need to know more about this mysterious hue of soap.

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