Wednesday, May 29, 2013

How To Get More Followers On Twitter

You want to know how to get more followers on Twitter? It's simple.


People think it has to do with the content of what you tweet. How often you tweet. The @'s. The hash tags. Nope. It's none of those things.


It has to do with your picture.


Think about it. People are judgmental. Superficial. They want to follow someone who is visually pleasing. Their pupils and cerebrums need some tandem boners. Give them what they want.


First off no one wants to follow someone who looks mad.




Quit the mean muggin! No one's ever followed a frowning man anywhere, except maybe into war...either way. Lighten up!





There we go! They'll love your sweet, smiling, oddly-misplaced-Brooklyn-accent-in-a-Chicago-neighborhood face!


Another approach that is a crowd favorite. Show some skin!





Remember...follows only work when you go skin deep. Don't ever go any deeper. No one wants to see any bone.





Yuck. Know your limits.


OK, lastly...look at this stooge.





He's going nowhere! When have you ever wanted to follow someone who's going nowhere? You want to follow someone is headed somewhere. Generally, if someone is headed in another direction, you can follow them. So...the final tip is...





...show em your ass. It gives the illusion of you walking away. People will always follow someone who's walking away. That's how physics works.


Choose whichever approach you want.  They're all winners.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Because It Was Too Long To Tweet

I was walking down the street and was trying to cross the parking lot entrance to get to the Starbuck's. You were driving your big honkin' SUV not looking anywhere, came barreling into the parking lot without touching the brakes, almost running me over, not even noticing there are pedestrians about.

Whatever.

I have resumed walking after being forced to jump backwards from what should have been a safe walkway. You are now parking in the handicapped spot even though you are not handicapped. Except maybe for the fact you are handicapped when it comes to, looking for pedestrians, slowing down when making a sharp turn, and just driving in general.

Whatever.

I have gotten my coffee and am exiting the Starbuck's, planning on returning home. You are sitting in your car, still in the handicapped spot, smoking a cigarette, apparently waiting for someone to get your lazy ass a coffee. You fling your still-lit cigarette out the window into the street like a piece of fucking trash. No, I'm not saying the cigarette is trash, you are. I could at least reason that the cigarette serves a purpose.

Whatever.

I stop for a minute to put my sunglasses on as it is bright out and I need to put my coffee and food down to do so. While staring me down, you mutter under your breath, "Jeez, is it even that bright out?" You think I didn't hear you. I did, and the fact that you are not worth my time prompts me to continue walking away and not say anything.

I cross the now safe walkway as you are not behind the wheel AND in motion, so pedestrians may breathe a sigh of relief again. I turn around because I am considering saying something to you. You are still sitting there, enjoying yourself. ENTER THIRD CHARACTER. Police car that has been sitting across the street pulls into the parking lot behind you and gives his sirens a quick "Woop woop!" Maybe he wants to talk to you about you sitting in the handicapped spot. Maybe he wants to talk to you about you throwing your trash in the street. Maybe I'm laughing my ass off, turning around and walking away as I don't even need to say one word to you now.

Either way.

Karma, bitch!