Thursday, April 11, 2013

Things That Make Me Visit Boner-Town

We’ve all been to Boner-Town. It’s a magical place. No, no not that town where there’s thousands of perma-erect men. The town your penis visits when something makes it stand at attention. Either literally or metaphorically. That’s why I know women have been to the same Boner-Town as us guys.

Here are some things that make me visit Boner-Town.

- Watching TV (probably Frasier re-runs) and I pause it to watch a funny video on Youtube...probably about teenagers crashing into things. Once it’s finished I resume play on my TV show, it goes to commercial, and wouldn’t ya know it...the video lasted as long as this commerical break. I GET TO FAST FORWARD STRAIGHT THROUGH THAT SHIT!

All aboard! One non-stop ticket straight to Boner-Town!


- Hallmark Channel runs cheesy romantic movies all day and I have nothing to do so I get to watch them and shout out things like “Hell no, don’t take him back sister! He doesn’t appreciate you!” because no one’s around since I’m so single.

Quick layover in Denver and then onward to Boner-Town!

- The guy in front of me at Starbuck’s is passing off well-known Mitch Hedburg jokes as his own to the cute barista and then as he is smitten with his own ass preparing his coffee off to the side he spills it all over his pants.

I just found a cheap hotel in Boner-Town!

- Then I get to the counter and the barista says, “Douche. He thinks I don’t know Mitch Hedburg’s jokes?”

And the hotel just comped me a night so I stay an extra night in Boner-Town!

- Then I accidentally order a Grande coffee when I meant Venti and the barista says they’re out of Grande cups so she’ll make me a Venti and just charge me for the Grande. Also, the douche off to the side is still wiping his coffee pants off and it looks like he’s just slapping his weiner in public like a weirdo.

Compliments of the hotel staff, this platter of fancy chocolates, made right here in your favorite vacation spot of Boner-Town!

- Go over a bump in the road just right.

You’re in Boner-Town!

- See a preview for a new Will Smith movie.

Road trip with my buds to Boner-Town!

- In a foreign country and a girl tells ME I have an accent. Then, does a weird thing with her eyes I can only assume is a human mating ritual.

Buying a nice Brownstone and settling down in Boner-Town! Why not?!

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- Oh I almost forgot! Lady touches my peiner.

Retiring and planning to die here in Boner-Town!

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