Monday, April 15, 2013

The Simple 46 Step TurboTax Process

When you use TurboTax to do your taxes it goes a little something like this.

- So what’s your name? (Steve)

- Hi Steve. Are you single? I’m not asking so I can later try to embarrass you...this is important for figuring out how much money you should be getting back...apparently.

- OK, what skin color are you? Yes, yes this is important to know too. Does that make us here at TurboTax seem racist? Needing to know what color your skin is before deciding how much money you deserve? Maybe...tell us anyway...

- OK, white and single Steve, what’s your job?

- OK, did you do this job in only one state or a couple different ones?

- OK, hey wait, are you single? You are single you said, right?

- Cool, how about some weird bullshit questions like, are you missing an eye or a leg or are you wicked old?

- Hey...I know I keep asking...but I forgot...are you SINGLE?

- Do you have any 1099s? Doesn’t matter what you say here...we will not be dealing with these for another 10 steps. I’m just asking now for...who knows what fucking reason.

- Steve, are you single? Not asking for me, for a friend...

- ALRIGHT, SINGLE STEVE AVITABILE OF LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA, KNOW HOW YOU’RE SUPER FUCKING SINGLE AND HAVE NO ONE?! YEAH, WE HERE AT TURBOTAX DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE SEEING SOMEONE, IF YOU’RE NOT MARRIED YOU ARE SINGLE IN OUR EYES. HEY WORLD, THIS SINGLE GUY HERE IS SINGLE...was I shouting? Oh so do you have any kids?

- Ever been married? No? Always been single...got it...yeah don’t worry these are actually important.

- OK, got a W2? Yeah enter that shit.

- Ooh, look at that amount so far. Yeah, you’re maybe going to be getting that much back. We will see if that number goes up or down.

- Got any other W2s?

- Aw your number went down. Let’s see if we can get it to go back up. I know, you drive to work? You can expense that! Let’s put in all the money you spent on gas driving to and from work.

- Hm, didn’t change that number one bit. Let’s try donations! Yeah enter any amount of money you think a person might have possibly ever donated in one single year...

- ...yeah doesn’t matter. That step never changes the amount. Always just wastes your time.

- 1099s? Yeah you do have some? Cool, just wondering, we aren’t doing them yet. Soon. Soon.

- Got any kids? Oh right I asked that. Single?

- OK, single, white Steve with no children or any hope of passing your family name on at this point in life what with the NOBODY you have in your life...got any pets?

- No! It makes no difference if you have any pets, I was just wondering. We here at TurboTax kind of just want to learn more about you, yes you the single white guy we won’t talk to ever again, that is until a year from now.

- 1099s? Yeah fine let’s enter those now. I don’t care how many you have, let’s enter them all here.

- Good, done with that. Ooh look at that number. Now, this is not the final number. Let’s see if we can change it. Make it a little higher.

- OK, now I’m about to ask you a question. I’m going to ask if that number we were just referring to is under a certain amount. If it is, we can increase your current number by 10%! Alright, now there is an equation to figure out the number you want to be below. The equation is...take your number and subtract 100. There. OK, is your number less than the amount (your number minus 100)? No? Your number is not less than Your-Number-Minus-100? Aw...guess we can’t get you more money.

- Got any more W2s?

- You sure?

-OK, we’re almost done! Just a few more screens!

- Still single? Oh, I didn’t know if you found anyone in the meantime, sitting there on your couch eating Doritos doing your taxes.

- Still white? We always want to check here at TurboTax.

- Ever been in the military or been a lifeguard?

- Yup almost done. 2 more screens! Just trying to save you more money! And no, you cannot skip these IMPORTANT questions even if you don’t care if you save anymore money. YOU MUST ANSWER THESE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.

- Ever own a jet pack?

- You ever say aloud, “Gee, I wish I could donate more money but I just can’t.”

- OK, sorry I mean one more screen after this.

- Do you own over 7 wheelchairs?

- One more screen then you’re absolutely done, I swear!

- Do you own any albino pets?

- One more...

- Did you do taxes last year?

- One more...I know I keep saying that but REALLY...

- Ever get injured by way of weird sexual activity between the days of February 30th and February 31st? No? Ahhh, because that’s the one that could REALLY have saved you money due to some new national laws within the last year.

- Um, I THINK we are almost done...

- Oh right, where do you live again?

- Cool, I guess we’ll send you your refund now. Are you single? Yes you are single, that’s right. Still single. Well, hey...what with all this new money you’re coming across why don’t you use some of it to BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES AND MAKE YOURSELF MORE APPEALING SO YOU CAN FINALLY STOP BEING SINGLE, SINGLE-STEVE! Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us that you are single. We won’t tell everyone at the office here...

- Wanna take a survey on your experience. You got time since you got no one to make love to tonight what with being so damn single and all...

Well, THAT WAS a simple 46 step process! As much as I joke, I do love using TurboTax. Any other method would probably drive me crazy or cost me more money or would allow me to mess up my taxes. This way, none of that happens, I am only reminded of how single I am...

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