Monday, April 22, 2013

My List: 10 Celebrities I'm Allowed To Sleep With

I’m always revising my list of celebrities I can sleep if I actually HAVE a girlfriend.

But you want to be prepared! What if I start dating a girl (a commoner) tomorrow? Then some celebs start buzzin round my front porch. I don’t have a front porch so let’s just say, “round my designated parking spot”. Now, I don’t want to sound douchey, because I truly am not. No, I don’t think having a list means I’ll just get to sleep with whoever I want. And no I don’t think that I should be allowed to sleep with anyone immediately. No, there should be connections made. Good times should be had. Hooking up on “an emotional level” first. That being should always have a list prepared! Something well thought out and organized, something a girlfriend or wife can look at and understand. Something in order, top to bottom, first to tenth, best to...tenth best.

So, I’m starting simply here. Naming a bunch of famous people (as we all know it has to be famous people) in no order just yet. Take a look...but get ready. This will be changing a lot!
OK we got 18 I came up with off the top of my head. Obviously 1-10 is where you wanna be ladies! 11-18...that’s the bench. Now, let’s put it in order. Right away I realize...Vanessa are hot! But you are kind of like a Mila Kunis Jr. I want some variety on my list. Think of this as your last meal, you get to choose 10 items, you want the best of all cultures. You won’t pick burritos and tacos!
As you can see...those who get dropped are in red and those who are bumped up are in blue. Making it easy for you guys to follow along. Oh didn’t Amber Heard recently declare she’s a lesbian?
Still hot but...well no reason to keep her in my top 10. Can’t bump her too far down though...on sheer principles. Welcome to the party Rashida. Oh right away I see another thing that needs immediate changing. This list is created in 2013...not during the time of “The Mask” or “There’s Something About Mary”. Yeah Cameron Diaz looks like how she looked in “Knight And Day” ...if not worse.
Much better! Oh also... what’s Megan Fox doing on this list? I just saw “Jennifer’s Body”. And Megan Fox gave me two thumbs I saw those things too...
OK a lot better! List...looking good...but wait. Isn’t Mila Kunis fucking...MILA KUNIS?! Have you seen anything with her?

A lot better. And how about Rashida Jones?! What you doing down there? The funny, beautiful, Rashida. In my favorite movie, “I Love You, Man”.
Good Rashida has gotten to a more respectable spot. Splitting the Zo(o)e(y)’s. Right on top of Ms. Deschanel. Speaking of, ever see “Our Idiot Brother”? Rashida Jones and Zooey Deschanel kiss in that movie.
There we go. Hey um, Olivia Wilde has an extensive resume you know. Everything she’s in she looks just incredible in. Ever seen “Alpha Dog”? She gets naked in that.
Yeah you deserve a number 4 spot for sure. I’m getting happier with this list...but I’m bothered by Emma Stone way down there. No, she has been too awesome recently. Her hair can be red, brown, blonde, green, I don’t care! Hot! And she’s hysterical! (Also, true story I once met her on the set of “House Bunny” and I’m sure she doesn’t remember but I do and that makes us THAT MUCH CLOSER...No Creepy.)
OK. Good. And Scarlett Johansson I’d like to lock you up at 6th. Everyone above you is locked in place too. (I’m talking to them now? This might be getting pathetic...but I’m almost done! Truck through it!) Now, the very bottom...Meagan Good...has she ever done a good movie? She’s hot, but all her movies, BLEHK! And Hayden Panettiere is hot! But a lot of times I think of her I think of the first thing I ever remember seeing her in...”Remember The Titans” which she was like 8 years old...
Yeah much better! By the way Ashley Tisdale belongs in this list. Hot! Also does the voice of a character in “Phineas And Ferb” which is important to me. Speaking of that show, Brenda Song does a voice in one episode. And she’s in “The Social Network”. Have you seen her in that? Most people don’t know her by name but LOOK HER UP! Yes, yes she should be here, yes. Now, I’m looking at this and I need two redheads? It’s the burrito-taco-rule I mentioned before. I got Emma Stone...Amy Adams...see ya! And how have I not even mentioned Eva Mendes yet?! Can she at least get a mention?! Can a motherfucker get a swap over here?!
OK, looking pretty damn good. But now I am at a cross roads. Eva Mendes at 9, Zoe Saldana at 10...but Olivia Munn at 11! She’s on the cusp! Should I let her in?! Who would she replace?! I do already have one Olivia but I also already have one Zoe (different spelling) so I can’t use that reasoning! Hmmm...time to break it down like a fuckin scholar ya’ll! Eva Mendes...saw her boobs in “Training Day”. Olivia Munn...saw her boobs in “Magic Mike”. (It’s worth sittin’ through the dicks to see her boobs.) Zoe Saldana...just saw one of her boobs in “Columbiana”. The other one was hidden by a clever camera angle. That’s some crazy photography but I’m sorry Ms. Saldana...that’s gonna cost you the number 10 spot!
Alright, that was the final move. List complete! Let’s take another look...all fancy colors removed!

Now of course the list I will carry around with me in my Trapper Keeper at all times will only include these Top 10. That is the list. But I just wanted to leave the runner-ups so everyone could see how the contestants did. There’s nothing wrong with being 11-16. Quite respectable. That still means you’re a beautiful woman who would probably never talk to me because you are indeed too good for me (minus some previous lucky encounters). You might wonder why the last two are still on there. Why I left them on throughout the whole process. Yeah I didn’t have to leave them on but I wanted to, get over it! Maybe I want people to know where Cameron Diaz and Megan Fox belong. If it was my list of Trolls or People With Troll-Like Thumbs yeah maybe Megan Fox would be in the top 10 but she’s far from it for humanoids. And Cameron Diaz...well you’re not in the 100s. Be thankful for that. Be thankful I don’t have THAT much time on my hands. But of course I did have enough time to solidify this list! Mainly because I don’t have a girlfriend, and clearly have no reason to need this list. But whatever it’s made. I’m ready. Now, I won’t be caught with my pants down.....or will I...numbers 1-10??? Hubba hubba.

1 comment:

  1. I went through pretty much the same thought process as you when I was going through the list (but I put the Asian and the Latina in the top 10 before you did), and I agree with most of it...however, I think Zoe needs to go back on that list. Olivia and Olivia are like the burrito and taco. You can do without one. Actually, I think you should take out Ashley and keep the Olivias. You don't really need two blonds, do you?