Monday, April 22, 2013

My List: 10 Celebrities I'm Allowed To Sleep With

I’m always revising my list of celebrities I can sleep if I actually HAVE a girlfriend.

But you want to be prepared! What if I start dating a girl (a commoner) tomorrow? Then some celebs start buzzin round my front porch. I don’t have a front porch so let’s just say, “round my designated parking spot”. Now, I don’t want to sound douchey, because I truly am not. No, I don’t think having a list means I’ll just get to sleep with whoever I want. And no I don’t think that I should be allowed to sleep with anyone immediately. No, there should be connections made. Good times should be had. Hooking up on “an emotional level” first. That being should always have a list prepared! Something well thought out and organized, something a girlfriend or wife can look at and understand. Something in order, top to bottom, first to tenth, best to...tenth best.

So, I’m starting simply here. Naming a bunch of famous people (as we all know it has to be famous people) in no order just yet. Take a look...but get ready. This will be changing a lot!
OK we got 18 I came up with off the top of my head. Obviously 1-10 is where you wanna be ladies! 11-18...that’s the bench. Now, let’s put it in order. Right away I realize...Vanessa are hot! But you are kind of like a Mila Kunis Jr. I want some variety on my list. Think of this as your last meal, you get to choose 10 items, you want the best of all cultures. You won’t pick burritos and tacos!
As you can see...those who get dropped are in red and those who are bumped up are in blue. Making it easy for you guys to follow along. Oh didn’t Amber Heard recently declare she’s a lesbian?
Still hot but...well no reason to keep her in my top 10. Can’t bump her too far down though...on sheer principles. Welcome to the party Rashida. Oh right away I see another thing that needs immediate changing. This list is created in 2013...not during the time of “The Mask” or “There’s Something About Mary”. Yeah Cameron Diaz looks like how she looked in “Knight And Day” ...if not worse.
Much better! Oh also... what’s Megan Fox doing on this list? I just saw “Jennifer’s Body”. And Megan Fox gave me two thumbs I saw those things too...
OK a lot better! List...looking good...but wait. Isn’t Mila Kunis fucking...MILA KUNIS?! Have you seen anything with her?

Monday, April 15, 2013

The Simple 46 Step TurboTax Process

When you use TurboTax to do your taxes it goes a little something like this.

- So what’s your name? (Steve)

- Hi Steve. Are you single? I’m not asking so I can later try to embarrass you...this is important for figuring out how much money you should be getting back...apparently.

- OK, what skin color are you? Yes, yes this is important to know too. Does that make us here at TurboTax seem racist? Needing to know what color your skin is before deciding how much money you deserve? Maybe...tell us anyway...

- OK, white and single Steve, what’s your job?

- OK, did you do this job in only one state or a couple different ones?

- OK, hey wait, are you single? You are single you said, right?

- Cool, how about some weird bullshit questions like, are you missing an eye or a leg or are you wicked old?

- Hey...I know I keep asking...but I forgot...are you SINGLE?

- Do you have any 1099s? Doesn’t matter what you say here...we will not be dealing with these for another 10 steps. I’m just asking now for...who knows what fucking reason.

- Steve, are you single? Not asking for me, for a friend...


- Ever been married? No? Always been it...yeah don’t worry these are actually important.

- OK, got a W2? Yeah enter that shit.

- Ooh, look at that amount so far. Yeah, you’re maybe going to be getting that much back. We will see if that number goes up or down.

- Got any other W2s?

- Aw your number went down. Let’s see if we can get it to go back up. I know, you drive to work? You can expense that! Let’s put in all the money you spent on gas driving to and from work.

- Hm, didn’t change that number one bit. Let’s try donations! Yeah enter any amount of money you think a person might have possibly ever donated in one single year...

- ...yeah doesn’t matter. That step never changes the amount. Always just wastes your time.

- 1099s? Yeah you do have some? Cool, just wondering, we aren’t doing them yet. Soon. Soon.

- Got any kids? Oh right I asked that. Single?

- OK, single, white Steve with no children or any hope of passing your family name on at this point in life what with the NOBODY you have in your any pets?

- No! It makes no difference if you have any pets, I was just wondering. We here at TurboTax kind of just want to learn more about you, yes you the single white guy we won’t talk to ever again, that is until a year from now.

- 1099s? Yeah fine let’s enter those now. I don’t care how many you have, let’s enter them all here.

- Good, done with that. Ooh look at that number. Now, this is not the final number. Let’s see if we can change it. Make it a little higher.

- OK, now I’m about to ask you a question. I’m going to ask if that number we were just referring to is under a certain amount. If it is, we can increase your current number by 10%! Alright, now there is an equation to figure out the number you want to be below. The equation is...take your number and subtract 100. There. OK, is your number less than the amount (your number minus 100)? No? Your number is not less than Your-Number-Minus-100? Aw...guess we can’t get you more money.

- Got any more W2s?

- You sure?

-OK, we’re almost done! Just a few more screens!

- Still single? Oh, I didn’t know if you found anyone in the meantime, sitting there on your couch eating Doritos doing your taxes.

- Still white? We always want to check here at TurboTax.

- Ever been in the military or been a lifeguard?

- Yup almost done. 2 more screens! Just trying to save you more money! And no, you cannot skip these IMPORTANT questions even if you don’t care if you save anymore money. YOU MUST ANSWER THESE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.

- Ever own a jet pack?

- You ever say aloud, “Gee, I wish I could donate more money but I just can’t.”

- OK, sorry I mean one more screen after this.

- Do you own over 7 wheelchairs?

- One more screen then you’re absolutely done, I swear!

- Do you own any albino pets?

- One more...

- Did you do taxes last year?

- One more...I know I keep saying that but REALLY...

- Ever get injured by way of weird sexual activity between the days of February 30th and February 31st? No? Ahhh, because that’s the one that could REALLY have saved you money due to some new national laws within the last year.

- Um, I THINK we are almost done...

- Oh right, where do you live again?

- Cool, I guess we’ll send you your refund now. Are you single? Yes you are single, that’s right. Still single. Well, hey...what with all this new money you’re coming across why don’t you use some of it to BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES AND MAKE YOURSELF MORE APPEALING SO YOU CAN FINALLY STOP BEING SINGLE, SINGLE-STEVE! Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us that you are single. We won’t tell everyone at the office here...

- Wanna take a survey on your experience. You got time since you got no one to make love to tonight what with being so damn single and all...

Well, THAT WAS a simple 46 step process! As much as I joke, I do love using TurboTax. Any other method would probably drive me crazy or cost me more money or would allow me to mess up my taxes. This way, none of that happens, I am only reminded of how single I am...

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Things That Make Me Visit Boner-Town

We’ve all been to Boner-Town. It’s a magical place. No, no not that town where there’s thousands of perma-erect men. The town your penis visits when something makes it stand at attention. Either literally or metaphorically. That’s why I know women have been to the same Boner-Town as us guys.

Here are some things that make me visit Boner-Town.

- Watching TV (probably Frasier re-runs) and I pause it to watch a funny video on Youtube...probably about teenagers crashing into things. Once it’s finished I resume play on my TV show, it goes to commercial, and wouldn’t ya know it...the video lasted as long as this commerical break. I GET TO FAST FORWARD STRAIGHT THROUGH THAT SHIT!

All aboard! One non-stop ticket straight to Boner-Town!

- Hallmark Channel runs cheesy romantic movies all day and I have nothing to do so I get to watch them and shout out things like “Hell no, don’t take him back sister! He doesn’t appreciate you!” because no one’s around since I’m so single.

Quick layover in Denver and then onward to Boner-Town!

- The guy in front of me at Starbuck’s is passing off well-known Mitch Hedburg jokes as his own to the cute barista and then as he is smitten with his own ass preparing his coffee off to the side he spills it all over his pants.

I just found a cheap hotel in Boner-Town!

- Then I get to the counter and the barista says, “Douche. He thinks I don’t know Mitch Hedburg’s jokes?”

And the hotel just comped me a night so I stay an extra night in Boner-Town!

- Then I accidentally order a Grande coffee when I meant Venti and the barista says they’re out of Grande cups so she’ll make me a Venti and just charge me for the Grande. Also, the douche off to the side is still wiping his coffee pants off and it looks like he’s just slapping his weiner in public like a weirdo.

Compliments of the hotel staff, this platter of fancy chocolates, made right here in your favorite vacation spot of Boner-Town!

- Go over a bump in the road just right.

You’re in Boner-Town!

- See a preview for a new Will Smith movie.

Road trip with my buds to Boner-Town!

- In a foreign country and a girl tells ME I have an accent. Then, does a weird thing with her eyes I can only assume is a human mating ritual.

Buying a nice Brownstone and settling down in Boner-Town! Why not?!



- Oh I almost forgot! Lady touches my peiner.

Retiring and planning to die here in Boner-Town!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Oh, You Didn't Know I Do Recipes Too?

Yeah! I do recipes! Follow along...

Take “The Golden Girls”. Keep the only cast member still alive. Season with Time. About 2 decades worth. Add to pot.

Take “Just Shoot Me”. Keep the one character that is apparently “the hot one”. Marinate in just 1 decade of Time. Add to pot.

Take “Frasier”. Get rid of anyone with the last name Crane. Also Gilpin (oh you don’t know the actress who plays Roz is named Peri Gilpin? Imdb fool!) Oh also get rid of the dog. Add your remains to a bag you have lined with a decade of Time...but now use Time that will not been friendly. Add to the pot.

Take Valerie Bertinelli. Add to pot. (Sorry there’s no clever way to refer to one knows what the fuck she is actually from.)

Turn the heat up until this shit apparently gets “Hot”.

Pour into Cleveland. old people...and people who will apparently laugh at any lazily drawn up humor.

And that, my friends, is how you make “Hot In Cleveland”.

BOOM to all those writers making way more money than me!


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Top 10 Most Uttered Phrases To Me In March 2013

Ever feel like you're just hearing everyone around you say the same things over and over? Sometimes it's not just your imagination. Sometimes you're right. I counted all the most common phrases uttered to me during the entire month of March. I compiled them together and am now able to present to you...

And yes...this is exactly how they were spoken to me.

10- Did you want that sweetened? 31 Times

9- Got plans for St. Patty's Day? 35 Times

8- Have a nice day! 52 Times

7- You're so funny and talented and just a sexual piece of passion. Also, just in case you have forgotten, my name is Mila Kunis. 62 Times

(That's twice a day guys...)

6- What's up? 78 Times

5- Just get an iPhone. 89 Times

4- I guess that IS 8 inches. 93 Times

3- How did you sprain your wrist? 100 Fucking Times!

2- Hello. 117 Times

And finally...

1- Hey! That's my beer! 120 Times

Yes, I very rarely pay attention to my own beer.