Wednesday, March 20, 2013

How This Irishman Sprained His Wrist

When: Saturday, March 16th, 2013. Yeah I know that was a few days ago. This is a story that spans a few days. Shut up.

I go to a St. Patty's Day party. The night before actual St. Patty's Day. Clearly, since I stated it was the 16th above. Shut up and keep up! It's a natural drink fest. I drink a lot. My buddy is my DD, I have nothing to worry about. I drink some mixed drinks, I drink some beer, I do a few rounds of Irish Car Bombs...this is how I look.

This is how I feel.

I may have been a little drunk. Anyway, the night progresses and then it turns out people are doing American Gladiator style wrestling matches...throwing each other into inflatable pools of water. Do you really think I'm turning down THAT offer? Yeah no one actually extended the offer to me but I went and did it anyway.

Steve Throws Someone Into A Pool - 1
Steve Gets Thrown Into Pool - Steve Loses Track After 10

Whatever it was fun to play! I dry off and change, the party progresses and the rest of the night is much fun! We return home. "My wrist hurts a lot, all of a sudden!" Steve exclaimed now feeling pain that had probably already been there for hours seeing as how the alcohol is beginning to wear off. "I shall ice it!"

What a smart guy. Reacting so quickly...hours after the injury was probably sustained.

When: Sunday, March 17th, 2013.

I wake up the next morning and I cannot move my right wrist without feeling extraordinary pain. I can't wipe my butt righty anymore. Can't brush my teeth righty anymore. I have to start doing everything lefty and it's very difficult. Even putting on my own damn clothes is a chore! I mean putting on clothes day in and day out is a chore anyway (don't get me wrong, nudists) but now it has become even more tedious and annoying of a chore! So, what do I do?

Go to the next St. Patty's Day party like a responsible Irishman! I'm 1/8 but that's 1/8 enough to know I have to be drinking plenty more alcoholic beverages on the ACTUAL DAY OF THE HOLIDAY! Plus, I live in what do you expect? It's an all day event. I can't so anything with my right hand. Not even shoot a ping pong ball in the many games of beer pong I played. Not even hold my many various beer bottles and shot glasses and liquor bottles I had to clutch all throughout the day. Ugh! What a chore! I'm like a fucking schoolboy with all these shit-ass chores, you know what I mean? I keep thinking, the pain will go away, but the more things everyone sees me not able to do with my right hand the more people tell me I need to go to the hospital.

When: Monday, March 18th, 2013

I decided, after sleeping on my friend's couch that in the morning I will go to an Urgent Care nearby since my wrist is in a lot of pain still. I have called out of work, I live far away and have no clothes to change into. I must still wear the overly green outfit I had slept in, drank in, sweated in, and yes fell a few more times in. I have no time to shower and so I head into a nearby Urgent Care, dirty, half-drunk, unshowered, with a busted wrist...oh and with green spilling out of all the pores of my body...the DAY AFTER St. Patty's Day. Hmm, how obvious is THAT of my current status?

Gee, do you think all the people snickering under their breath and slyly pointing at me and whispering about me think that I got a little drunk this weekend and acted like a bafoon? Nope! They know it! And I can't even fill out my forms properly! It looks like I hired a 4 year old with Parkinson's to fill out my information for me.

And everyone in the hospital just knows......


Gotta go, time to ice up and pop some pills.

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