Friday, February 8, 2013

Naked Emergency!

Maybe you always sleep naked. Maybe you only sleep naked sometimes. Maybe every once in a whatever-colored-moon it seems appealing and you try it out...it can be refreshing! Doesn't matter how often you sleep naked, if you ever have, and know it is even of the slightest of possibilities for your future, YOU ARE AT RISK!

At risk of what? I'll tell you what. A fucked up situation! Recently, I had the urge to sleep naked. Whatever, it happens, we don't have to talk about it, you don't have to think about it. Grow up if you just went "ew!" cause guess what...fucking deal with it! People all around you, in your life, bagging your groceries, checking your oil, they do it from time to time, get past it and life will be easier. Anyway, I was saying, I had the urge, so I did it. Like I said, it can be refreshing! But in the middle of the night I was awoken by a loud crashing noise. I jumped out of bed startled, something had most definitely fallen and made a loud noise inside our apartment. I look at the clock (the one on my phone because since I moved out on my own I haven't bought a god damn clock...I know...pathetic) and it is around 4 in the morning. OK, 4 in the morning, awoken by a crashing noise, what might you think? Break in! Oh yeah, and I live in LA. Not a bad part or anything but it's still a big city. Could be a break in.

So, I start freaking out, also only half-awake, and I'm freaking out partially because there might be an intruder in our place but more so because I'm naked! And it's dark and I can't find anything to put on! OK, if this had been a real break-in (if by now you haven't realized in the light tone in which I'm approaching this, it wasn't a break-in) I'd be fucked more royally than a king on his birthday! Intruder comes in, looking for cash or things to pawn for cash, does not give a shit about anything, will do whatever he needs to, to get away with valuables...and I have no clothes on! How vulnerable am I? Oh also, I had not ever had the foresight to keep anything I can use as a weapon near my bed.


So, it's dark, I'm looking for a baseball bat or anything else heavy and some underwear maybe! Can't find anything! I'm getting more and more scared! But then I'm realizing, I haven't heard another sound yet. Finally, MINUTES LATER, I find some underwear. I believe they were in the underwear drawer, seems like an easy go-to but when you're awaken by a crash in the middle of the night, you aren't thinking clearly. This becomes even more apparent because I didn't even realize it, but now that I was wearing underwear, I feel something heavy in my hand. I had grabbed a weapon without noticing, changed into my underwear holding it and everything! Alright, way to go Steve-In-An-Emergency! What did you grab? Oh, the gigantically long piece of wood spray-painted gold you used as Jafar's staff from that one Halloween? The thing is as wide as my entire fucking bedroom, all it's gonna do is slow me down. Sweet!

I eventually get sweatpants and a shirt, text my roommate, ask if he heard a noise, he meets me in the hallway with a hammer (he had a good weapon in his room, I've seen what Kevin McCallister has done to intruders with one of those) and we scope out the place. Totally fine. In the morning I realize my suction-cup mirror with the LOUD METAL BACKING wasn't so suctiony and fell off the wall of my shower in the middle of the night and mimicked, almost perfectly, a burglar who could give Steve a heart attack before they ever even saw each other.

So, what have we learned?!

- Not great in night time emergencies.
- Take forever to find underwear in dark.
- Take forever to find any weapon, other than one used in Agraba, in the dark.
- Ned a grown-up person clock

My solutions...

- Practice self-defense to gain confidence.
- Always keep an emergency pair of underwear by the bed.
- Buy a baseball bat and keep it by the bed. Or next time I go as Jafar for Halloween modify my staff so that it won't be as realistic for the costume but will be a better size to wield when needed in a real-life-attacking-a-burglar-type-situation.
- Take one weekend to go to Home Goods or some shit and buy a fucking clock already.

And if you were smart, you'd keep an emergency pair of underwear by the bed. At all times! You'll never know when you need one. Maybe you think, but I ALWAYS wear underwear. Well, emergency underwear can serve two purposes. To put on when in dire need of pair because you're naked. Or...to put on when in dire need of pair because you shit yourself in your sleep. You don't know, man. Old age creeps up on you fast. And what do you REALLY know about the sturdiness of your own bowels.

Also, emergency naked buddies can be helpful. Invest in one of those. Keep them in the bed with you, they can help remind you where things are if need be. And maybe you could help save their life too. Safety in naked numbers!

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