Monday, January 7, 2013

How To Make The Best Insults

This is not for the faint of heart.

Mothers, you may not want to read this if you aren't prepared to see the language that is most likely used by your children.

Grandmothers, well how did you even get on the internet? But regardless, this definitely isn't for you. Click the red X button on the top right of the computer screen then click the Start menu on the bottom left of your computer screen and find Solitaire. That is where you want to be. Not here.

Immature People, get ready to laugh at a whole bunch of curse words.

This is a guide on constructing the perfect insult for your given occasion. Yes, there are plenty of insults in the world. But if you are new to insulting people and need a basic guide that will get you through life, then look no further. Yes, you are encouraged to go off on your own and be as creative as possible with insults whenever you feel comfortable. But right now some people need the security of a base set of insults and need to know the severity of each.

Here's what you need to know. Your 5 basic curse words in ascending order of severity from left to right.


You always start with these. This is the first word of the compound word insults we will be creating. Ass is the first, Dick is the second. Dick + anything is more severe than Ass + anything. Understood? Even the weakest Dick insult is stronger than the strongest Ass insult. It's the next plateau. And the same goes for Shit. Then Fuck. Then Cunt. (That one's always the worst right? It's funny, in England it's not that big of a deal to say that one, yet Willy is like pretty bad to them. I don't get it. These insults are based off of American values here.)

Next, we move onto your 5 basic body parts for this exercise in ascending order from top to bottom.

Don't laugh, wad is too a body part. Anyway, let's move on so you can see how to put some insults together. The whole thing together now!



Ah, now look at that. That's beautiful. Now, we know the top left is the weakest of the insults, Ass Head, A1. Next strongest would be A2, Ass Wad. And so on until you get to the very worst...E5, Cunt Hole. Ooh E5...be careful with that one.

Keep this guide handy if you can. Print it out, copy it onto paper, tattoo it on your forearm.....or own a smart phone and bookmark this page. However you want to do it, keep it handy if you need it. If you can't access it and are in need of an insult, try to remember this basic formula...Curse-Part. If you call someone a Curse-Part you're most likely crafting an insult. Be careful as both Dick and Cunt are curse words and body parts. Calling someone a Dick Dick or a Cunt Dick is only going to make you look stupid.

Let's go over some scenarios in which you might use some of these. The severity of the situation calls for the severity of the insult. Remember column A is of the least severity, and increases as you get to E. But all A's fall in strength even just to B1.

Your friend just realized VIP stands for Very Important Person. A1.

Your roommate knows you bought trash bags last time but says you can get them again this time anyway. A5.

You're John Connor and you need to chill out! B2.

A stranger cuts you off in traffic. C4.

Another driver steals the parking spot you've been waiting for someone to pull out of. D3.

You're Jason Segal and a jogger yells at you for not scooping up your dog's poop embarrassing you in front of your friend, Peter Klaven. D5.

And I don't know...I personally don't say anything in column E. I have no problem writing it, but I just know saying those words makes my own stomach turn. I mean it's really just the first part. But you get the picture. If you really need an example, I don't know, someone murders your significant other and then spits in your oatmeal. E5 probably...

Have you gotten to the point where you've used up all of these 25 insults enough and want to add on the deluxe package? Well, look no further here it is! Careful, these add onto the number column yet all of these words cannot be used with every letter for they aren't really body parts. They are their own breed. We've tried our best to make it clear where you can and can't use them.


Ew, gross. OK, get out there and insult away! But stay the Curse away from me Curse-Part!



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