Thursday, January 3, 2013

Does Your Zodiac Sign Really Mean Anything?

My thoughts on the Zodiac signs. If you are a true believer in Zodiac signs and horoscopes and really don't want to read someone's opinions if they are bashing them and saying they aren't true...then maybe don't read this. Whether you believe them or not, if you're willing to hear everyone's opinions, then read up!

Again...these are just my opinions.

But it is my opinion that they are kind of bullshit. First, a lot of the traits and qualities and goals in life they list are things that everyone wants. I read that people of my sign secretly want a successful relationship. Can you tell what sign I am? No, because everyone wants a successful relationship. Obviously. Unless they're a fucking wack job and want things to go poorly for them. Also, it's not a secret I want to have a successful relationship. I'll go to work tomorrow and tell everyone how I want a girlfriend. I do every day! (Kidding I'm not THAT desperate) But seriously, that goes for everyone. Of course it applies to you if it is your "sign" but they could have put it for anyone's sign.

Speaking of, how do they determine your sign? Based upon when you were born. Wow. Really? I know this has been the deal for years and maybe it seems like I'm late to the party expressing my views now, but I don't care. People have believed them for years and still do, so I still feel it is relevant to say why I don't believe this.

OK, so if you're a Taurus some of your traits are being stubborn and possessive. If you are born in the beginning of May you are a Taurus. Which would also mean your parents did the sexing in early August to start you off! Correct? I know we don't want to think about our parents doing that but they did. So, let's see...sounds like if you are a Taurus your parents were horndogs in the month of August. Because your parents decided they wanted to do it in August when the summer was just ending and the sunsets were still beautiful and late at night, because that is what got them going, that is what determined that you are a stubborn person. Are you telling me that if your mom was like, "Hell no! I ain't doing it on this hot summer night! Don't touch me, I'm sweating enough as it is!" but then in early December she was like, "You know what husband of mine? Knowing it's the end of fall, and Christmas is approaching, well that really gets my loins burning! Come over here!" and then they do it, and then they get pregnant, and then you are born nine months later, in early September instead of early May, so now you are a Virgo...you're telling me that PROVES you will now be a fussy and skeptical person but will now not be stubborn and possessive?! Because those are the traits of Virgos! So, it all depends on when your parents have sex?!

That's why I think it's bullshit!

I guess some of you still won't read that explanation and agree with me. You still think your characteristics truly come from Zodiac signs and not your parents, your family, your upbringing, your friends and just your true self. That's fine. Here's some things you also have to accept then.


Aries - You're only independent because fireworks make your dad horny. If it was the start of football that got his johnson jumping you'd be a stubborn little Taurus.

Taurus - You're only generous because pre-season football gets your dad hard as a rock. If it was Labor Day that got his libido leaping you'd be a devious Gemini.

Gemini - You love that you're supposedly witty don't you? Don't get too carried away, it's all thanks to Dad and his love of Labor Day. If his favorite holiday was Halloween you'd be a clingy Cancer.

Cancer - You like your sense of loyalty? Call up dad and thank him for not being able to control his own weiner when he sees your Mom in that slutty witch costume. If it was seeing her baste the Thanksgiving turkey that got him hot for her dark meat you'd be a pretentious fucking Leo.

Leo - You're supposedly confident. I'm confident that's because Dad tastes the pumpkin pie and needs some of mama's pumpkin pie. If it was the egg nog that got his pants tight you'd be an inflexible Virgo.

Virgo - Guess what? I'm talking about your parents having sex too! Observant are you? Next time you're home for the holidays observe your Dad jumpin your Mom's bones as soon as he smells the pine trees. If he was the type of man to make New Year's resolutions like "boink the wife more" you'd be an indecisive Libra.

Libra - Graceful right? As graceful as your Dad suggesting to your Mom, it's a new year, let's try a new position! What if he were a true romantic and only plowed her on Valentine's Day? Well then you would be a manipulative Scorpio!

Scorpio - You're so resourceful! All of you. But just because daddy and mommy get freaky on Valentine's Day and dip their strawberries in more than just chocolate. What if they were the type to get sloshed on St. Patty's Day and have blackout sex? Well, then you'd be an unemotional Sagittarius.

Sagittarius - You like being independent huh? That's only because when Dad sees your Mom in green you could tie a flag to his pole. If he were the type of man who was more into hunting for her Easter eggs you'd end up being an unimaginitive Capricorn.

Capricorn - Say, I bet you like calling yourself ambitious. Don't take so much credit. It's only because painting eggs makes your dad's paintbrush the color of passion and lust. What if he took April cold showers and waited for May to deflower? Well then you'd be described as an aloof Aquarius.

Aquarius - Original? Ha! Just because your dad treats your mom like a dirty girl on Mother's Day. If he wasn't so giving on her day and more about receiving on Father's Day well then you'd be an over-sensitive Pisces.

Pisces - Don't think I forgot about you! I know all about you! You're so devoted! Let me help you write your Thank You card to Dad though. "Dear Dad, thanks for making Mom fill out that sexual contract that makes her do naughty things to you on Father's Day. Remember when you at first were going to make it during the 4th of July and you had that lame line about, you wanted the fireworks to be in your bedroom? Thank you for changing it! If you hadn't, I'd be a short-tempered Aries. Love, Someone Who Still Believes In The Zodiac Signs Despite All This."

And you can continue to believe in these signs if you want but I'm going to continue to bash on them and call them bullshit. You know why? Not anything to do with what gets my parents going! It's because I choose to!


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