Monday, January 28, 2013

Um, 1 Adult And 50 Children's Tickets To See Hotel Transylvania Please!

This past weekend I was invited to go to a screening/press event of Hotel Transylvania at the Aero Theater. I had already seen the movie once and enjoyed it, and since I'm not one to turn down free movies, food and events, I thought I'd go watch it again! I really did enjoy the movie the first time I watched it but it was a lot more enjoyable watching it in a theater full of plenty of kids. I know a lot of adults probably think I'm being extremely sarcastic but I'm not. It's great to see what scenes the kids are laughing at and how hard they are laughing at certain jokes, compared to what adults find most funny in this movie. Not that I was a prime specimen for the "adult category" considering I laughed almost identically throughout the movie as the 50 or so 6 year olds...but I observed the adults around me as well. It also made me realize how when I always say, "Yeah I get enjoyment out of these kids movies too, as long as they have stuff for the adults" that I'm being completely false. I laugh at all the kids jokes just as much. Kid at heart I guess.

It was a great event they put on. They did caricatures of people. They showcased some features on the Facebook Page you can get to by clicking here which included something called Monsterize Me. A little program in which you can take a picture of yourself and then turn yourself into a monster of your choosing and add some other graphics to the background if you wish. I believe the girl who showed me how to use it turned me into a mummy, which covered up my face...I'd recommend picking a different monster if you are as vain as me and want to keep your face in the shot. The other feature I saw on there was called Social Game and actually looked like a lot of fun, a game in which you are Dracula running the hotel and have guests come in and you have to attend to all their needs each day and take care of things in the hotel. I guess the Applebee's waiter in me finds that appealing...but really it looked genuinely fun. Oh and did I mention I got free food? Put on by Street Food Cinema, one of the trucks was the Grilled Cheese Truck. Yeah, I got me a Cheesy Mavis (named for the event) and I got a spork for it but I don't know why. But I loved the sandwich.

After the screening they did a Q&A with the director Genndy Tartakovsky (who was behind Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Laboratory and a lot of other cartoons), Becky G (who did the main song for the movie "Problem The Monster Remix") and Michelle Murdocca who was one of the producers. Michelle actually mentioned something that was really interesting, that this movie took over 10 years from the very start to the finish. Apparently it had been a very rough idea about a decade ago, and after lots of time they spent finding the right people to work on the movie, they finally got the wheels in a higher gear so to speak. They weren't always sure who the main character was going to be they mentioned, but once they figured out they wanted it to be Dracula and that he was running this hotel it all started to come together for them. They always knew they wanted to use all the classic monster movie monsters, but weren't always sure in what capacity.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I'm The Kind Of Guy Who...

People often ask me to describe myself and it expect it to be done with me listing off characteristics. For one, I don't really like to do that because I feel it's hard to characterize yourself sometimes. Especially with emotions that might often change. Also, I just think it's a lot more useful if we are to describe ourselves with stories of our past.

For example, you ask me to describe myself and I answer...

I'm the kind of guy who once got chased by a gaggle of 8 or so  angry geese about a block and a half after I had locked myself out of my house and had to walk the 3 miles to work.

I'm the kind of guy, not to get Te'o'd, but rather to get the opposite of Te'o'd. When I asked that girl for her number and got it and then later realized she had a boyfriend I NEVER KNEW EXISTED!

I'm the kind of guy who got followed by a crazed maniac with road rage all the way to a Wendy's drive thru and then as I was trying to order out my driver's window was getting yelled at, cursed at, and threatened at through my passenger side window.

I'm the kind of guy who accidentally shat himself while laughing so hard while drunk at a friend's house though through the art of being a ninja avoided any of the three friends in that house ever finding out about it.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

My New CD

So, I've been wanting to record a CD but had no ideas for songs. I thought that I just needed to come up with some song names and then once I did that, I could build a song around that with some meaning or whatever. But how does one come up with song titles when there is no song?

And I figured it out! While watching Friends reruns over the course of a few days I just decided to write down a bunch of Joey's lines. And those are the song titles. So, I compiled my list, and here it is, in order, exactly how it would appear on the back of my platinum CD when you pick it up on the shelf in Best Buy! Minus the fact that I'll give you a description in parenthesis of what I'm thinking I'll try to make the song about...

1 - That’s Like Summer In A Bowl (This is the summer jam to kick off the CD. Some real feel good tunes.)

2 - Pictures Of Cute Babies We Don’t Know (I slow it down a little with a heartfelt jam that the whole family can listen to together.)

3 - I Don’t Know This Baby (This is when thing's get a little intense. You know when Usher was sleeping around on that girl from TLC and got the other girl pregnant, and he made a song all about it. I could do something like that and I'm pretending I don't know this baby that's calling me dad in front of my woman. It will be all lies since I'm not a horrible person like Usher.)

4 - You Did Some Real Good Thinkin’ In There (A jam about friends getting over tough obstacles.)

5 - Dude I Don’t Know, That’s A Pretty Small Hole (A sexy song for the ladies.)

6 - I Slipped On A Giant Booger! (You gotta keep some fun ones in there for the kids. This will probably be my first single.)

7 - You Can’t Go To A Museum In Your Underwear (It's true. And nothing about this song isn't true. Maybe it's just a musical list of facts with a sexy saxophone solo somewhere.)

8 - How You Doin? (I check on my main woman to really see how she feels and then make love to her body parts.)

9 - Seriously Gunther You Should See Someone About That Cold If It Gets Much Worse You Could Die (This could be anything really. Party song?)

10 - I Don’t Think She Remembered Sleeping With Me (A song filled with heartbreak and woe. Violins will be a must.)

11 - Wow! It’s Like They’re On Fire! (But we pick it back up with a tunnel banger! Ya mean! Word is born! These are things I hear LL Cool J say a lot so I figure if I say them then that makes me cool. Right?)

12 - If You Go To A Hotel You’ll Be Doin’ Stuff (Another sexy one. I can't help but to make a song that will please the ladies.)

13 - Sorry, Wrong Boobies (And the final song on the CD, we cap it off...with a song of apology to my main woman...probably for lying to her in previous songs. This song will inexplicably be like over 7 minutes long and it will be just ridiculous. Also this will feature backup vocals from someone in some other musical group that has no connection to me and my main woman and will make no sense at all.)

So, there you have it? Who wants to buy this CD? Wait! I still gotta go record this crap!

Friday, January 11, 2013

Sucky People

I’m a friendly guy. I say hi to a lot of people. Especially people who I often see. For instance, whenever I walk down to the Starbuck’s near my place I always walk by this guy who does valet parking for a restaurant on my street. I have probably said hi to him 20 plus times. I have never once gotten a hi back, any kind of response, or any kind of reaction at all. He just stares at me. What’s that about? You can’t just acknowledge me?

The same thing has happened to me with 2 different people I work in the same building as. I don’t know exactly who they are but I know we all work for Sony. I find that to be appropriate enough to say hi when passing them on their way to make doodie or pee pee. One’s this older guy who also never acknowledges me and the other is a younger girl who stares daggers right through my soul. It’s as if I’m saying hi and flicking them off simultaneously...also with my dick out. What the fuck?!

You can’t just say hi back? Do you think I have an ulterior motive? Am I doing it wrong? Is it offensive the way I go about it?! I’m just trying to be nice, yet these people treat me like a bum begging for know if you’re one of those people who pretends you don’t hear them. I even tend to acknowledge the homeless. But my clothes are not torn or tattered. I clean up nicely enough and make sure to smell like anything other than my own piss. So they can’t possibly think I’m a vagrant! So, what is it?!

Well, I guess some people just suck! And I don’t know these people, don’t know their names, so I can’t call them out. But I know they recognize me! I say hi to them more often then they’d like. So, I can only hope they come across this so that they can find out they suck! How will they know it’s my blog? Easy, here’s my picture!

There, now if you’re someone reading this  and you’ve seen that face say hi to you and you continuously ignore the person owning this face, then you suck! And know that there are plenty other people who read this blog (maybe just a handful) who are laughing at you and knowing you suck! And yeah I won’t say it to your face because one of you works on the street I live on and two of you work with me and I don’t need anymore awkward situations in real life. But I’ll make the internet as awkward as fuck! Think you’re getting away clean because I don’t have any pictures of you to put on here? Think no one will know who you are and will know how much horse ass you suck? Guess what! I know exactly what you look like and I am prepared to do an extremely accurate drawing of you in your purest form!

Monday, January 7, 2013

How To Make The Best Insults

This is not for the faint of heart.

Mothers, you may not want to read this if you aren't prepared to see the language that is most likely used by your children.

Grandmothers, well how did you even get on the internet? But regardless, this definitely isn't for you. Click the red X button on the top right of the computer screen then click the Start menu on the bottom left of your computer screen and find Solitaire. That is where you want to be. Not here.

Immature People, get ready to laugh at a whole bunch of curse words.

This is a guide on constructing the perfect insult for your given occasion. Yes, there are plenty of insults in the world. But if you are new to insulting people and need a basic guide that will get you through life, then look no further. Yes, you are encouraged to go off on your own and be as creative as possible with insults whenever you feel comfortable. But right now some people need the security of a base set of insults and need to know the severity of each.

Here's what you need to know. Your 5 basic curse words in ascending order of severity from left to right.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Does Your Zodiac Sign Really Mean Anything?

My thoughts on the Zodiac signs. If you are a true believer in Zodiac signs and horoscopes and really don't want to read someone's opinions if they are bashing them and saying they aren't true...then maybe don't read this. Whether you believe them or not, if you're willing to hear everyone's opinions, then read up!

Again...these are just my opinions.

But it is my opinion that they are kind of bullshit. First, a lot of the traits and qualities and goals in life they list are things that everyone wants. I read that people of my sign secretly want a successful relationship. Can you tell what sign I am? No, because everyone wants a successful relationship. Obviously. Unless they're a fucking wack job and want things to go poorly for them. Also, it's not a secret I want to have a successful relationship. I'll go to work tomorrow and tell everyone how I want a girlfriend. I do every day! (Kidding I'm not THAT desperate) But seriously, that goes for everyone. Of course it applies to you if it is your "sign" but they could have put it for anyone's sign.

Speaking of, how do they determine your sign? Based upon when you were born. Wow. Really? I know this has been the deal for years and maybe it seems like I'm late to the party expressing my views now, but I don't care. People have believed them for years and still do, so I still feel it is relevant to say why I don't believe this.

OK, so if you're a Taurus some of your traits are being stubborn and possessive. If you are born in the beginning of May you are a Taurus. Which would also mean your parents did the sexing in early August to start you off! Correct? I know we don't want to think about our parents doing that but they did. So, let's see...sounds like if you are a Taurus your parents were horndogs in the month of August. Because your parents decided they wanted to do it in August when the summer was just ending and the sunsets were still beautiful and late at night, because that is what got them going, that is what determined that you are a stubborn person. Are you telling me that if your mom was like, "Hell no! I ain't doing it on this hot summer night! Don't touch me, I'm sweating enough as it is!" but then in early December she was like, "You know what husband of mine? Knowing it's the end of fall, and Christmas is approaching, well that really gets my loins burning! Come over here!" and then they do it, and then they get pregnant, and then you are born nine months later, in early September instead of early May, so now you are a're telling me that PROVES you will now be a fussy and skeptical person but will now not be stubborn and possessive?! Because those are the traits of Virgos! So, it all depends on when your parents have sex?!

That's why I think it's bullshit!

I guess some of you still won't read that explanation and agree with me. You still think your characteristics truly come from Zodiac signs and not your parents, your family, your upbringing, your friends and just your true self. That's fine. Here's some things you also have to accept then.