Friday, October 4, 2013

Am I Love-Retarded?

Am I Love-Retarded? No, I'm not talking about those people who say things like "Retarded-In-Love" or "So In Love I Feel Stupid". No those people ARE stupid, whether it be from being in love or other reasons...if you say anything like that...you're stupid.

I'm not sappy and going to declare, "When I'm in love colors seem brighter and birds chirping sounds better and foods just taste better." Shut up. You probably have a line of blind people, deaf people and if it exists...tasteless people (no not people who wear Crocs)...who want to slap you in the face.

What I mean...is I think my Love Functions may be retarded. Just like a mentally retarded person has Brain Functions that do not work properly. I think I have that. I'm trying to avoid being offensive and I imagine it isn't working. (Am I supposed to say mentally handicapped? I feel like mentally retarded is a proper term but just seems so mean since people use retarded in a derogatory term.) But it is true that mentally retarded people do not have the capacity in certain parts of their brains that most people have. And...as I'm pretty certain...a lot of mentally retarded people probably don't really know they are.

Have you ever wondered if you were retarded? Ever have that moment...If I was retarded, I wouldn't know. Would my friends tell me? Of course not. Wait, are they my real friends? Are these just people in my life who are being nice to me? Granted, if you've ever thought this, you've probably also thought, "Well, if I have the ability to think ABOUT this, I'm probably all good."

But just like I have wondered "Am I retarded and I just don't know it?" I am now wondering "Am I Love-Retarded?" The point I'm JUST NOW getting to, is what the fuck is wrong with me? No, I'm not a sad blubbering mess. I can laugh at myself. A lot. But I have all these failed dating experiences, especially as of late. Most of which fail for reasons I am completely clueless to. When I just stop hearing from girls...the most common of them all. Dates and/or communication seems to be going well and then it's as if the girl gets drafted by the CIA (drafted???) and must cut off all ties with friends and family. Or like they get sucked into some other dimension where they don't have wifi or cell service and can't even give me a heads up.

ALLISON: Yo Steve. Got sucked into another dimension. Lolz. No idea when ill b bak. Send help lolz theres a huge, fluffy, white, talking dragon thats givin me googly eyes and im freaked out fo sho.

But I know they still have all those privileges because I still see their updates on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and I SWEAR I'M NOT STALKING THEM I JUST HAVE ALL THIS FREE TIME SINCE I GET STOOD UP AND CANCELLED ON ALL THE TIME SO I RELY ON THE INTERNETSSSS! Scout's honor. (I was never a Scout but I'm a fan of their honor...)

But this happens to me all the time. These girls I'm communicating via text lose interest or lose their thumbs. I don't know which but communication comes to a standstill. I think I must be Love-Retarded. In that, I think everything is normal, I think everything is going great...but it's not. It's going horribly and I just can't see it because of my heart's handicap. I'm oblivious. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've decided I should just list the most common things I do and see if anyone notices anything out of the ordinary.

- Ask her where she would like to go to dinner. Too indecisive? Should I be a man and choose the place?

- Offer to pick her up. Is that not proper what with equal rights? Would she prefer to be treated like anyone else and be expected to drive?

- When the bill comes offer to pay and when she does that fake "You sure?" that we all know she's just doing to seem polite but really it's an empty gesture as she expects me to pay I then reply with, "Hmm maybe I'm not sure. Split it?" Does she want me to partake in the whole song and dance when she asks if I'm sure then I say "Yes" then she asks one more time "Positive?" then I'm like "Yes, absolutely."???

- Wait til the second date to invite her to my place. Too soon? Not soon enough?

- Wait til the third date to punch her square in the vagina. Too soon? Not soon enough?

- Invite her to meet my friends ONLY when she brings it up. Do I suggest it? Isn't that too demanding to try to make her meet my friends when she doesn't even know me well enough?

Like seriously, how am I supposed to know what I'm doing wrong? I could go on and on and list all the other things that come up during your regular date but they're just going to seem like ordinary activities like the above. Perhaps I'll never know. No one will ever tell me if I'm Love-Retarded. I did have to take separate Love-Classes in the small room next to the cafeteria in High School...but I thought that was just ironic. I aced all my Love-Classes even though I don't remember doing any homework at all. Usually we got to leave class early and go to Lunch before all the other kids because we had a cool teacher. Looking back at all that I wonder...perhaps I am Love-Retarded...or Love-Handicapped....oh what the fuck ever, it's my condition I'll call it whatever I want.

How about, Mongoloid of the Heart?

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

She's A Cougar, But What Does She Hunt?

She's a lady. She's older. She's HAWWWWT! No she doesn't have any kids...that would make her a MILF. So what is she? The all too familiar term, the cougar! And so flattering, to name this breed of woman after a breed of large cat. Hey I don't make up the names. I just use them appropriately.


But I started thinking critically about this. Do I need to help make up names? I feel as though we've overlooked a very important breed of person. The cougars always go after the younger men. So what are those younger men? Those younger men that always end up with the cougars.

She is the cougar because she ever so cunningly hunts her prey...and lands it! Her prey, often times a young male. Naive to the world, left the nest, oh but only years ago. He has set off into the wild (University of Whatever The Fuck) and is still trying to make sense of things. He used to have a steady healthy diet of vegetables, meatloafs, lasagnas, whatever Mom was cooking up. Now he forages for what he can find. Bricks of pasta with a beefy or chickeny dust to flavor it with. Sticks of beef. Square crackers with cheesy flavoring. These are the most common aspects of the diet. And the ever popular.....BEER BRO! He is skilled enough to land himself these foods and beverages, but he lacking a well-rounded diet. He is lacking appropriate shelter that isn't "Higgins' couch" or "T-Money's futon". He is also lacking guidance. Guidance he would get from his mother but refuses to request since "She's all up in my business and doesn't get he's a college grad and junk!" He thinks he has a grasp on the world, but he has let his guard down. And the cougar moves in on her prey. Her prey is dumbstruck, travelling in packs does not help. They are completely helpless to the cougar!


I mean look at these guys, they can't stop a cougar attack. She starts by pouncing on them....... with expensive shots from the bar she bought herself.
She moves so quickly across the forest floor in her..... Pontiac.
And she drags them by the neck...one at a time...back to her lair/condiminium she has almost paid off.

So, who are these guys?

Well, cougars in real life hunt many types of deer, elk and moose. They at times hunt small to medium sized rodents and other mammals. Also bighorn sheep.


Wouldn't it be fitting if the young man fresh out of college quite susceptible to the cougar women of the world was named after her prey? I personally think Moose is the best fitting. Deer and elk just doesn't have any flare to it. No catchiness. And though bighorn sheep has all those things...I think Moose embodies it much better. And let's be honest, we know there's gotta be at least 9 guys in the world that finished college within the last year or so, who's nickname is Moose. That is just the perfect nickname for one of these guys.

I don't want to be the only one voicing my opinion. I don't think I'm necessarily qualified to come up with this name. But I feel so strongly that this name has to be created and I'm hoping maybe I can lead us in the right direction. And who knows, maybe my suggestion is good enough. Since more often, you hear young men using the word Cougar...maybe it's the Cougars who would get the most use out of this term. What do you think women? Moose? Is that what you like? Is that the fresh, young body you desire to bring back to your queen-sized bed with the Pink Floyd sheets? Is it fitting? Voice your opinion. You have a lot of power in this decision...if not most of it. You are strong, independent women!

Come on, I know you want to say it. "I am cougar! Hear me roar!" And grab you a moose...

Monday, September 2, 2013

She's Hot. But How Hot?

Meet a girl. She's hot. But how hot?


That's hot. But it's not all about looks. I need to learn more about her. Ask her if she likes football.
"I'll watch it. Especially if you're into it I'll watch it with you. I'll root for whatever team you root for."


Daaaaaaamn, that's hot.
"I'll probably be asking you a lot about it as we watch though."


Oh........ Well at least you'll watch it with me.
"Yeah, though I might not be paying a lot of attention. I'd probably be making snacks and stuff."


:)
"Do you like nachos?"


:)
"How about pizza?"


:)
"Oh and what's your favorite beer? I like having a variety when I'm eating snacks so there's lots to choose from. I mean, that's how you do football right?"


Marry me.
"What?"
Nothing. I said that's amazing. Yes I love those foods.You eat them too?
"Well, not so much. I am trying to watch my wait."


Oh um...it's spelled weight.
"Eh, whatever."


Hmmm...so what do you like for TV and movies?
"Oh I love comedy!"


Really?
"Yes, I really appreciate a good laugh!"


That's good to hear.
"Like anything by Tyler Perry. Gold."


Oh.
"Yeah and Larry The Cable Guy...he cracks me up."


Ummm...what do you think about Seinfeld?
"I don't like that show."


Why not?
"I don't get it."



Don't get it?! It's not a Bob Dylan song, it's Seinfeld! Ugh! And to think I was gonna let you make me nachos!
"Here's my boobs by the way. Thought I should just take my shirt off for awhile."




I guess once I laughed at a Larry The Cable Guy commercial...maybe...

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Is That A Banana In Your Pants?

Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

Wait, you put bananas in your pants when you're happy?

Wait, you're a monkey and your actions have absolutely no meaning?

Wait, are those the bananas I bought today for the Smoothees I was going to make?

Wait, are those my pants?!

Wait, is your monkey erection pressed up against the bananas or my pants cause I need to know what to throw out!

Wait, is the zoo this pissed I want to return something to them? It's been less than 30 days and I'm not satisfied!

Wait, you're not supposed to take animals home from the zoo?!

Wait, they took my brother as collateral?! My older brother who I've known my whole life and have looked up to but has always brushed me off as nothing and made fun of me and teased and harassed me and even once locked me inside the trunk of a car and if I don't return the monkey they're keeping him.....

.....No monkey, that is not a banana in my pants. I'm just happy to see you.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Wouldn't Change A Thing

You know I wouldn't change one moment of my life. I wouldn't make any single decision differently. And I say this because every choice I have made in life has brought me exactly where I am right now. The exact way I am, how I feel, every detail about me and my life is because of every single thing that has happened to me along the way.

Though, thinking about it now, that one time the barista at Starbuck's gave me my coffee and I had a split second where I didn't know if I wanted to say "Thanks" or "Thank you" and it came out as "Thanks you"...I could really do without that. I mean, say I just said "Thanks" like a normal human being...that wouldn't change anything about where I am in life right now. And I would have felt a lot less stupid that day.

Also, how about that time in Junior year of high school during the test in Videography. I was certain it was gonna be a silent fart, just slowly seep out undetected by anyone. Like a quick breath of the butt. And it turned out I was sitting on a chair with incredible acoustics and my butt cheeks happened to be poised for noise. Wow, it was so silent in our classroom and it was interrupted by what sounded like I just made a trumpet orgasm! Maybe I could take that moment back. Hold the fart in, let it do whatever it does when you hold a fart...what does it do? Disappear? Head back inside and look for reinforcements? I bet that's what happens...that's why some farts smell worse. You hold them in and let them marinate...and collect more fart buddies to erupt into the world with. Maybe we should stop holding farts in. However, just that one time I would have liked to have held a fart in. Again, don't think it would change anything about me now. Could have done without that.

Or that time someone mentioned a woman being in Mensa and I said I thought it was for men only. Men-sa. Then they told me that was one of the many reasons I was not in Mensa. And they laughed at me. Again...maybe that could have been one of the times I kept my mouth shut. What would change about where I am now? Nothing. Kept my mouth shut...not let that little fart-statement out that I thought wasn't gonna be a big deal. Instead turned out to be a loud, stinky, moronic declaration of thought-gas.

Fuck, now I just wish I could change everything. Yeah there's a lot of stuff I want to take back. I say a lot of dumb stuff. How about every time my voice has cracked past the age of 17? Those have ALL been unnecessary. One of them was during sex! Please give me that moment back. Let me go back in that moment and decide...you know what...dirty talking not needed here. Keep quiet. How about the 19 different times I was in a romantic moment and should have kept it there but ruined it with a joke? Can I have like half of those back? I honestly don't know why I always think it's good timing. If I get my way, I will probably drastically alter where I am now...but imagine if I took away all of those instances...I'd probably be this well-adjusted, smooth-talking, suave dude. I'd be invincible!

But I guess that isn't me. So perhaps I should leave everything alone.

Except the voice cracking in bed, seriously! Come on! Just give me one! What horrible timing!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Stop Monitoring My Bathroom Activity

I have gone to the bathroom. So you assume I have to urinate or defecate? Not always the case bub.

I have gone to the bathroom.

10% chance I am going to pee.

10% chance I am going to poop.

14% chance I just realized my lives have all restored in Candy Crush and poppa's got a fix that needs an itchin'.

17% chance I've been listening to you talk about a subject I know nothing about or do not care about at all and you have not taken the hint with my several, Well that's cools, and the couple times I checked my phone and the little backward baby steps I keep slowly taking away from you. Fuck, did you think I was practicing my moonwalking?

3% chance you are the same person mentioned above and I just imagine you are going to start talking about something uninteresting again and you are approaching and I DON'T TAKE NO DAMN CHANCES ALRIGHT?!

8% chance I have to fart and I'm saving the world because it was Taco Tuesday and I know myself too well.

2% chance I need a sink because I had to shake someone's hands and they're one of those people who's only pores are located in the palms of their hands.

15% chance the drop off is in the bathroom and Frankie just texted me the code words, POWDERED DOUGHNUTS IN THE BREAKROOM, and his guys is waiting and the last time I made him wait too long...well let's just say I wasn't in shape to run any marathons for a few weeks.

15% chance INTERNET!

5% chance I forgot what I was actually going to do so I decided a rest on the porcelain throne can't hurt and might actually refresh my memory...or at the very least will deliver a nice, cool sensation to my Captain's Quarters.

And.... 1% chance for all your miscellaneous situations, throwing up, fixing a wedgie, smelling my fingers in private, thinking up a joke, stealing toilet paper, etc.

So maybe you'll think next time before you tell me "Hey you sure go to the bathroom a lot Steve. Think maybe you should see a doctor about that?" No I don't think I need to see a doctor just because I shake hands with sweaty people, talk to annoying people, sometimes drink a little too much, never learn my lesson any given Tuesday night, am addicted to Twitter and other .coms, need private time, do secret coke deals.......er......i mean.......do secret toilet paper stealing runs......these things do not require a doctor! Now stop monitoring my bathroom activity. Frankie would not be pleased.....

Friday, July 26, 2013

Sounds Like You Got Nothing Good To Say

"Hey Steve, you drinkin coffee there?"

Thanks for trying to be conversational but maybe only when you got something good to say. Sounds like you got nothing good to say.

"Hey Steve, eating salad huh?"

Well, I'm not shoving it up my ass. Good detection skills. When you saw me put my fork in the salad, then put my fork in my mouth while holding a small percentage of the salad, then remove my fork from my mouth but keep the salad in my mouth you clearly deciphered I was eating salad. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. This is what you think is a good sentence to start off a new topic for us to discuss? Sounds like you got nothing good to say.

"Hey Steve, are you working?"

Are you, as my coworker, not entirely certain if I too am working while currently inhabiting the same office as you? You're here working. I'm here too. But you're not sure if I'm working? Or is it that you feel like talking but don't actually have anything good to say. Sounds like it.

Hey, you don't have to say anything when you see me. You can walk right by.

Other Options:

Head nod.
"Hello"
"Hi"
"What's up?"
Quick wave.
High five.

Honestly I'd also accept:

Jerk Off Motion
Fart noise with mouth
Fart noise with butt
Fart noise while doing Jerk Off Motion

What's Really Unnecessary:

Commenting on what I'm holding/eating if it's what you see me holding/eating all the time.
Asking me a question you CLEARLY know the answer to.

I'm not antisocial. I'm just antistupid. Seriously guys, let's step the conversation up. I would like to talk to you. But not if 88% of my dialogue to you is the following words; Yes. Salad. Coffee. Yup. Blue Cheese.

And no don't ask me about the weather. Yes, we were both outside at some point today. Yes, we did both experience the weather. But we both have had a bowel movement in the past week most probably...I'm not bringing that up as a bonding experience.

Really, don't take it the wrong way. I like talking to people. But when it's substantial conversation. And I'm just not gettin that vibe here. Cause...I don't know...Sounds like you got nothing good to say.

Monday, July 22, 2013

I Got A Criminal Mind For Coffee

How does this guy Steve start all of his stories off?

"I was at Starbucks..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up! I know I do it. I don't care. You're going to read the rest of it anyway, aren't you?

So I was at Starbuck's. I had just gotten into line and noticed one of the guys in front of me was an actor I recognized from TV. It took me a minute to place him. I eventually figured out it was Matthew Gray Gubler from "Criminal Minds" and also "500 Days Of Summer". And I wasn't the only one to realize who he was.

The cashier was pretty damn excited when she realized who he was. She was talking to him, all giddy. I didn't really hear what about, but he was really nice and a very cool guy. He talked to her for a little while even after placing his order, and I believe offered to give her his autograph, clearly making this girl's week. The whole exchange took a little longer than your average interaction at the cash register. I didn't mind, I had nowhere to go. (Cue sad music.) But by the time I got to the register a sizeable line had formed behind me and the cashier seemed to just then notice.

She was still excited, filled with nerves, but now realizing she had let a bit of a line form. Again, no big deal. No one in line seemed to care, I sure didn't, and we all waited a little longer for a girl to talk to a celebrity she admired. We've all waited for girls to do things a lot less important than that. (Cue Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor grunt. Are you enjoying the array of sounds on my sound board?) But she seemed nervous like she had to push the line along quickly, and it was pretty obvious.

I ordered my coffee and wanted to recharge my Starbuck's card as it had nothing on it. My debit card had been having some problems recently, in which it won't register when swiped sometimes. Wouldn't you know it? It happened at this moment. Again. And again. And I noticed the cashier seemed to be getting a bit flustered. Trying the usual tricks. Scan it wrapped in receipt paper. Scan it with a gift card wedged behind it. Nothing was working. She asked if I had cash or another card. I actually did not. (Cue the trombone being played by a large man with asthma. "Womp Womp!") I asked if she could just punch the numbers in on my card, as they usually do for me when my shitty card refuses to work.

She kept glancing at the size of the line, seeming to not fully hear me she said, "I can't do that. We can get in trouble for that." I'm pretty sure she was thinking of something else, because to my understanding, that is what you do when a card won't swipe. That's like...the oldschool way of taking someone's debit card info. So, I'm pretty sure you can't get in trouble for that. It seems pretty legal. I understood she seemed flustered so I tried again.

"Are you sure? All the other times my card won't work, they just punch the numbers in manually."

She kept glancing at the size of the line and the people she had kept waiting. "No," she said again. "We aren't allowed to do that. My manager's here and I could get in trouble. Look I'll just give you your coffee for free and I guess you can just fill your card up another time. Sorry."

No need to apologize to me. You just gave me a free coffee! I still don't understand how that wouldn't get her in trouble, yet punching in my numbers and actually charging me for the coffee would. I don't know, I'm not one to poke at the snake that won't bite me when I know I look damn delicious.

Either way, it all boils down to this. Matthew Gray Gubler strolled on in to Starbuck's and because of his charming self...I got a free coffee! So thanks for the coffee Matthew! You're an awesome guy!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Success Rates For Different Color Soaps

Here's the situation...you've just finished using the public bathroom and have moved over to the sink. You've turned the faucet on and...the moment of truth...you pump the soap dispenser into your hand! (You know, assuming you're note gross. Germs, man.) What type of soap are you gonna get? Could be:

White Foamy Soap
50% Chance of smelling good and clean
50% Chance it's cheap shit that dissolves before you can clasp both your hands together, becomes a sticky mess and just smells like someone's spilt soda.

Yellow Soap
10% Chance it actually smells like something yellow and is mildly pleasant
90% Chance it's that shit they use because it has no known allergens in it and is acceptable to use in any establishment. I worked in a restaurant that had this, they use it to avoid the chance lawsuit of someone having a reaction to the soap. Like that would fucking happen, Applebee's!

Transparent Soap
30% Chance it smells like the transparent gummy bears that no one knows if they're really pineapple or what but regardless of what they are you're like..."Eh, I guess it's pretty good."
70% Chance it smells like a walrus bingeing on Froot Loops for the past month shit it out into a dog's water dish.

Pink Soap
65% Chance this will smell fruity and pleasant. Like any red candy you may have unwrapped on Halloween.
30% Chance it actually smells delicious...like something you want to eat...now!
5% chance it smells like the opposite of pink and you're wondering if you would have been better off not washing your hands at all. (Yes, you actually would have been.)

Blue Soap
100% Chance this will smell a-fucking-mazing! The blue soap always smells fantastic! Like a fruity wonderland! Any place that has blue soap in their restroom really, truly does give a damn about their customers. They have basically set you up with the penthouse suite in terms of lathering up your hands.

And honestly if I had made this list 3 years ago I would have stopped there. As I had not yet ever encountered...

Green Soap
Now, this one is touchy. I've only encountered it once...and it was incredible. Fresh melon scent, sensual enough to pucker up your butthole and make you want to go poop again just so you can wash your hands again. But one example is not enough. It can not truly be labeled as a 100% success rate as that would be based off one data entry. However, green soap has never let me down in a public restroom. I can honestly say that. Please let me know if you ever encounter green melon soap in a public restroom other than on the Sony lot. Give me your reaction. I need to know more about this mysterious hue of soap.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

How To Get More Followers On Twitter

You want to know how to get more followers on Twitter? It's simple.


People think it has to do with the content of what you tweet. How often you tweet. The @'s. The hash tags. Nope. It's none of those things.


It has to do with your picture.


Think about it. People are judgmental. Superficial. They want to follow someone who is visually pleasing. Their pupils and cerebrums need some tandem boners. Give them what they want.


First off no one wants to follow someone who looks mad.




Quit the mean muggin! No one's ever followed a frowning man anywhere, except maybe into war...either way. Lighten up!





There we go! They'll love your sweet, smiling, oddly-misplaced-Brooklyn-accent-in-a-Chicago-neighborhood face!


Another approach that is a crowd favorite. Show some skin!





Remember...follows only work when you go skin deep. Don't ever go any deeper. No one wants to see any bone.





Yuck. Know your limits.


OK, lastly...look at this stooge.





He's going nowhere! When have you ever wanted to follow someone who's going nowhere? You want to follow someone is headed somewhere. Generally, if someone is headed in another direction, you can follow them. So...the final tip is...





...show em your ass. It gives the illusion of you walking away. People will always follow someone who's walking away. That's how physics works.


Choose whichever approach you want.  They're all winners.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Because It Was Too Long To Tweet

I was walking down the street and was trying to cross the parking lot entrance to get to the Starbuck's. You were driving your big honkin' SUV not looking anywhere, came barreling into the parking lot without touching the brakes, almost running me over, not even noticing there are pedestrians about.

Whatever.

I have resumed walking after being forced to jump backwards from what should have been a safe walkway. You are now parking in the handicapped spot even though you are not handicapped. Except maybe for the fact you are handicapped when it comes to, looking for pedestrians, slowing down when making a sharp turn, and just driving in general.

Whatever.

I have gotten my coffee and am exiting the Starbuck's, planning on returning home. You are sitting in your car, still in the handicapped spot, smoking a cigarette, apparently waiting for someone to get your lazy ass a coffee. You fling your still-lit cigarette out the window into the street like a piece of fucking trash. No, I'm not saying the cigarette is trash, you are. I could at least reason that the cigarette serves a purpose.

Whatever.

I stop for a minute to put my sunglasses on as it is bright out and I need to put my coffee and food down to do so. While staring me down, you mutter under your breath, "Jeez, is it even that bright out?" You think I didn't hear you. I did, and the fact that you are not worth my time prompts me to continue walking away and not say anything.

I cross the now safe walkway as you are not behind the wheel AND in motion, so pedestrians may breathe a sigh of relief again. I turn around because I am considering saying something to you. You are still sitting there, enjoying yourself. ENTER THIRD CHARACTER. Police car that has been sitting across the street pulls into the parking lot behind you and gives his sirens a quick "Woop woop!" Maybe he wants to talk to you about you sitting in the handicapped spot. Maybe he wants to talk to you about you throwing your trash in the street. Maybe I'm laughing my ass off, turning around and walking away as I don't even need to say one word to you now.

Either way.

Karma, bitch!

Monday, April 22, 2013

My List: 10 Celebrities I'm Allowed To Sleep With

I’m always revising my list of celebrities I can sleep with...as if I actually HAVE a girlfriend.

But you want to be prepared! What if I start dating a girl (a commoner) tomorrow? Then some celebs start buzzin round my front porch. I don’t have a front porch so let’s just say, “round my designated parking spot”. Now, I don’t want to sound douchey, because I truly am not. No, I don’t think having a list means I’ll just get to sleep with whoever I want. And no I don’t think that I should be allowed to sleep with anyone immediately. No, there should be connections made. Good times should be had. Hooking up on “an emotional level” first. That being said...you should always have a list prepared! Something well thought out and organized, something a girlfriend or wife can look at and understand. Something in order, top to bottom, first to tenth, best to...tenth best.

So, I’m starting simply here. Naming a bunch of famous people (as we all know it has to be famous people) in no order just yet. Take a look...but get ready. This will be changing a lot!
OK we got 18 I came up with off the top of my head. Obviously 1-10 is where you wanna be ladies! 11-18...that’s the bench. Now, let’s put it in order. Right away I realize...Vanessa Hudgens...you are hot! But you are kind of like a Mila Kunis Jr. I want some variety on my list. Think of this as your last meal, you get to choose 10 items, you want the best of all cultures. You won’t pick burritos and tacos!
As you can see...those who get dropped are in red and those who are bumped up are in blue. Making it easy for you guys to follow along. Oh didn’t Amber Heard recently declare she’s a lesbian?
Still hot but...well no reason to keep her in my top 10. Can’t bump her too far down though...on sheer principles. Welcome to the party Rashida. Oh right away I see another thing that needs immediate changing. This list is created in 2013...not during the time of “The Mask” or “There’s Something About Mary”. Yeah Cameron Diaz looks like how she looked in “Knight And Day” ...if not worse.
Much better! Oh also... what’s Megan Fox doing on this list? I just saw “Jennifer’s Body”. And Megan Fox gave me two thumbs up...so I saw those things too...
OK a lot better! List...looking good...but wait. Isn’t Mila Kunis fucking...MILA KUNIS?! Have you seen anything with her?

Monday, April 15, 2013

The Simple 46 Step TurboTax Process

When you use TurboTax to do your taxes it goes a little something like this.

- So what’s your name? (Steve)

- Hi Steve. Are you single? I’m not asking so I can later try to embarrass you...this is important for figuring out how much money you should be getting back...apparently.

- OK, what skin color are you? Yes, yes this is important to know too. Does that make us here at TurboTax seem racist? Needing to know what color your skin is before deciding how much money you deserve? Maybe...tell us anyway...

- OK, white and single Steve, what’s your job?

- OK, did you do this job in only one state or a couple different ones?

- OK, hey wait, are you single? You are single you said, right?

- Cool, how about some weird bullshit questions like, are you missing an eye or a leg or are you wicked old?

- Hey...I know I keep asking...but I forgot...are you SINGLE?

- Do you have any 1099s? Doesn’t matter what you say here...we will not be dealing with these for another 10 steps. I’m just asking now for...who knows what fucking reason.

- Steve, are you single? Not asking for me, for a friend...

- ALRIGHT, SINGLE STEVE AVITABILE OF LOS ANGELES CALIFORNIA, KNOW HOW YOU’RE SUPER FUCKING SINGLE AND HAVE NO ONE?! YEAH, WE HERE AT TURBOTAX DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE SEEING SOMEONE, IF YOU’RE NOT MARRIED YOU ARE SINGLE IN OUR EYES. HEY WORLD, THIS SINGLE GUY HERE IS SINGLE...was I shouting? Oh so do you have any kids?

- Ever been married? No? Always been single...got it...yeah don’t worry these are actually important.

- OK, got a W2? Yeah enter that shit.

- Ooh, look at that amount so far. Yeah, you’re maybe going to be getting that much back. We will see if that number goes up or down.

- Got any other W2s?

- Aw your number went down. Let’s see if we can get it to go back up. I know, you drive to work? You can expense that! Let’s put in all the money you spent on gas driving to and from work.

- Hm, didn’t change that number one bit. Let’s try donations! Yeah enter any amount of money you think a person might have possibly ever donated in one single year...

- ...yeah doesn’t matter. That step never changes the amount. Always just wastes your time.

- 1099s? Yeah you do have some? Cool, just wondering, we aren’t doing them yet. Soon. Soon.

- Got any kids? Oh right I asked that. Single?

- OK, single, white Steve with no children or any hope of passing your family name on at this point in life what with the NOBODY you have in your life...got any pets?

- No! It makes no difference if you have any pets, I was just wondering. We here at TurboTax kind of just want to learn more about you, yes you the single white guy we won’t talk to ever again, that is until a year from now.

- 1099s? Yeah fine let’s enter those now. I don’t care how many you have, let’s enter them all here.

- Good, done with that. Ooh look at that number. Now, this is not the final number. Let’s see if we can change it. Make it a little higher.

- OK, now I’m about to ask you a question. I’m going to ask if that number we were just referring to is under a certain amount. If it is, we can increase your current number by 10%! Alright, now there is an equation to figure out the number you want to be below. The equation is...take your number and subtract 100. There. OK, is your number less than the amount (your number minus 100)? No? Your number is not less than Your-Number-Minus-100? Aw...guess we can’t get you more money.

- Got any more W2s?

- You sure?

-OK, we’re almost done! Just a few more screens!

- Still single? Oh, I didn’t know if you found anyone in the meantime, sitting there on your couch eating Doritos doing your taxes.

- Still white? We always want to check here at TurboTax.

- Ever been in the military or been a lifeguard?

- Yup almost done. 2 more screens! Just trying to save you more money! And no, you cannot skip these IMPORTANT questions even if you don’t care if you save anymore money. YOU MUST ANSWER THESE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.

- Ever own a jet pack?

- You ever say aloud, “Gee, I wish I could donate more money but I just can’t.”

- OK, sorry I mean one more screen after this.

- Do you own over 7 wheelchairs?

- One more screen then you’re absolutely done, I swear!

- Do you own any albino pets?

- One more...

- Did you do taxes last year?

- One more...I know I keep saying that but REALLY...

- Ever get injured by way of weird sexual activity between the days of February 30th and February 31st? No? Ahhh, because that’s the one that could REALLY have saved you money due to some new national laws within the last year.

- Um, I THINK we are almost done...

- Oh right, where do you live again?

- Cool, I guess we’ll send you your refund now. Are you single? Yes you are single, that’s right. Still single. Well, hey...what with all this new money you’re coming across why don’t you use some of it to BUY SOME NEW CLOTHES AND MAKE YOURSELF MORE APPEALING SO YOU CAN FINALLY STOP BEING SINGLE, SINGLE-STEVE! Don’t worry, your secret is safe with us that you are single. We won’t tell everyone at the office here...

- Wanna take a survey on your experience. You got time since you got no one to make love to tonight what with being so damn single and all...

Well, THAT WAS a simple 46 step process! As much as I joke, I do love using TurboTax. Any other method would probably drive me crazy or cost me more money or would allow me to mess up my taxes. This way, none of that happens, I am only reminded of how single I am...

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Things That Make Me Visit Boner-Town

We’ve all been to Boner-Town. It’s a magical place. No, no not that town where there’s thousands of perma-erect men. The town your penis visits when something makes it stand at attention. Either literally or metaphorically. That’s why I know women have been to the same Boner-Town as us guys.

Here are some things that make me visit Boner-Town.

- Watching TV (probably Frasier re-runs) and I pause it to watch a funny video on Youtube...probably about teenagers crashing into things. Once it’s finished I resume play on my TV show, it goes to commercial, and wouldn’t ya know it...the video lasted as long as this commerical break. I GET TO FAST FORWARD STRAIGHT THROUGH THAT SHIT!

All aboard! One non-stop ticket straight to Boner-Town!


- Hallmark Channel runs cheesy romantic movies all day and I have nothing to do so I get to watch them and shout out things like “Hell no, don’t take him back sister! He doesn’t appreciate you!” because no one’s around since I’m so single.

Quick layover in Denver and then onward to Boner-Town!

- The guy in front of me at Starbuck’s is passing off well-known Mitch Hedburg jokes as his own to the cute barista and then as he is smitten with his own ass preparing his coffee off to the side he spills it all over his pants.

I just found a cheap hotel in Boner-Town!

- Then I get to the counter and the barista says, “Douche. He thinks I don’t know Mitch Hedburg’s jokes?”

And the hotel just comped me a night so I stay an extra night in Boner-Town!

- Then I accidentally order a Grande coffee when I meant Venti and the barista says they’re out of Grande cups so she’ll make me a Venti and just charge me for the Grande. Also, the douche off to the side is still wiping his coffee pants off and it looks like he’s just slapping his weiner in public like a weirdo.

Compliments of the hotel staff, this platter of fancy chocolates, made right here in your favorite vacation spot of Boner-Town!

- Go over a bump in the road just right.

You’re in Boner-Town!

- See a preview for a new Will Smith movie.

Road trip with my buds to Boner-Town!

- In a foreign country and a girl tells ME I have an accent. Then, does a weird thing with her eyes I can only assume is a human mating ritual.

Buying a nice Brownstone and settling down in Boner-Town! Why not?!

..............

..............

- Oh I almost forgot! Lady touches my peiner.

Retiring and planning to die here in Boner-Town!

Monday, April 8, 2013

Oh, You Didn't Know I Do Recipes Too?


Yeah! I do recipes! Follow along...

Take “The Golden Girls”. Keep the only cast member still alive. Season with Time. About 2 decades worth. Add to pot.

Take “Just Shoot Me”. Keep the one character that is apparently “the hot one”. Marinate in just 1 decade of Time. Add to pot.

Take “Frasier”. Get rid of anyone with the last name Crane. Also Gilpin (oh you don’t know the actress who plays Roz is named Peri Gilpin? Imdb fool!) Oh also get rid of the dog. Add your remains to a bag you have lined with a decade of Time...but now use Time that will not been friendly. Add to the pot.

Take Valerie Bertinelli. Add to pot. (Sorry there’s no clever way to refer to her...no one knows what the fuck she is actually from.)

Turn the heat up until this shit apparently gets “Hot”.

Pour into Cleveland.

Serve...to old people...and people who will apparently laugh at any lazily drawn up humor.

And that, my friends, is how you make “Hot In Cleveland”.

BOOM to all those writers making way more money than me!

Sad...

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Top 10 Most Uttered Phrases To Me In March 2013

Ever feel like you're just hearing everyone around you say the same things over and over? Sometimes it's not just your imagination. Sometimes you're right. I counted all the most common phrases uttered to me during the entire month of March. I compiled them together and am now able to present to you...

THE TOP 10 MOST UTTERED PHRASES TO ME IN MARCH 2013
And yes...this is exactly how they were spoken to me.

10- Did you want that sweetened? 31 Times

9- Got plans for St. Patty's Day? 35 Times

8- Have a nice day! 52 Times

7- You're so funny and talented and just a sexual piece of passion. Also, just in case you have forgotten, my name is Mila Kunis. 62 Times

(That's twice a day guys...)


6- What's up? 78 Times

5- Just get an iPhone. 89 Times

4- I guess that IS 8 inches. 93 Times

3- How did you sprain your wrist? 100 Fucking Times!

2- Hello. 117 Times

And finally...

1- Hey! That's my beer! 120 Times

Yes, I very rarely pay attention to my own beer.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I'm Putting A Gang Together

I've been thinking recently how I want to put a gang together.

A real, mean gang that messes people up.

A gang of old guys.

And I want them to be unique in their own way. So, I did some looking around town and I feel I've recruited the best of the best.

Naturally there needed to be one guy who leads...



And another guy who does machines...



For street cred purposes we should have a guy who's cool but rude...



And obviously every gang needs their own party dude...



I'll advise them on what they should be doing with wise words but for the most part hang back in the shadows and not fight with them. I'm kind of too scared to engage in actual fights. Anyway, how do you think we look as a gang? Ready to rumble with the Hand Clan? The Mincer? Jazz Musicians fluent in bebop or other musicians who just plain rock steady? Do you get the fucking joke yet?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

How This Irishman Sprained His Wrist

When: Saturday, March 16th, 2013. Yeah I know that was a few days ago. This is a story that spans a few days. Shut up.

I go to a St. Patty's Day party. The night before actual St. Patty's Day. Clearly, since I stated it was the 16th above. Shut up and keep up! It's a natural drink fest. I drink a lot. My buddy is my DD, I have nothing to worry about. I drink some mixed drinks, I drink some beer, I do a few rounds of Irish Car Bombs...this is how I look.


This is how I feel.


I may have been a little drunk. Anyway, the night progresses and then it turns out people are doing American Gladiator style wrestling matches...throwing each other into inflatable pools of water. Do you really think I'm turning down THAT offer? Yeah no one actually extended the offer to me but I went and did it anyway.

Steve Throws Someone Into A Pool - 1
Steve Gets Thrown Into Pool - Steve Loses Track After 10

Whatever it was fun to play! I dry off and change, the party progresses and the rest of the night is much fun! We return home. "My wrist hurts a lot, all of a sudden!" Steve exclaimed now feeling pain that had probably already been there for hours seeing as how the alcohol is beginning to wear off. "I shall ice it!"

What a smart guy. Reacting so quickly...hours after the injury was probably sustained.

When: Sunday, March 17th, 2013.

I wake up the next morning and I cannot move my right wrist without feeling extraordinary pain. I can't wipe my butt righty anymore. Can't brush my teeth righty anymore. I have to start doing everything lefty and it's very difficult. Even putting on my own damn clothes is a chore! I mean putting on clothes day in and day out is a chore anyway (don't get me wrong, nudists) but now it has become even more tedious and annoying of a chore! So, what do I do?

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Wham! A Sweet Parking Spot!

Drove into work today. Seemed like any other day. But little did I know it would turn out special-er than Unicorn Farts. Drove into our parking garage and as I turned the first corner someone began to pull out of one of the Reserved Spaces. They seemed to not see me at first but then realized I was nearing them so they stopped to let me by.

Now normally what do you do?

You live in LA...Oh OK so you take them stepping on their brakes as a sign of weakness, speed by them muttering something about them being an idiot driver for no reason at all...just because they were kind of near you at one point.

Why do so many drivers, especially in LA, do this? Why must the person be an idiot? I try not to be this way but most times I will still speed by because I always like to go first and get the "right of way" while driving. I don't know why, I always drive like that. For whatever reason I decided...I'll brake. I'll wave them on and I'll let them go by first.

I'm assuming it's one of the big-wigs, one of the head cheeses, one of the boss men, head honcho, chief of the tribe, captain of the ship, other stupid terms for people who work in offices and make a lot of money and have many people working below them. The person is pulling out of a Reserved Space, those are only for those people. Turns out it's not. It's a friend I work with. She backs up, sees it's me and pulls up next to me rolling her window down. (Well, she didn't roll her window down, she pushed a button that made it go down because we aren't cavemen anymore and this is 2013.)

I roll my window down and she says hi and thanks for letting her out, then notifies me that it looked like a Reserved Space but it wasn't...instead a regular space any commonfolk like me can use and it's just right next to all the Reserved Spaces...and it's a killer spot! She tells me to take it since she's leaving for lunch. I pull into the spot, happy I don't have to keep driving up and up the garage looking for a spot, the most tedious and angering of LA Tasks. As I pull in, "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" comes on! What?! Have the Gods (or giant meteors crashing into each other, depending on your views) smiled upon me?

So, here's the skinny folks. The reason I've shared this with you. You'll hear it a thousand times, and guess what...you're gonna hear it again! Be nice and you'll have a nice life. I was kind on the road, a rarity here, and I got a killer parking spot and Wham! descended into my life. Yes I waited in my car until the song was done...yes I had a short walk into the office from my Almost-Executive-Parking-Spot...yes I'm in a great mood and still have the song playing in my head hours later. Let it be a lesson to you. Be Kind, Bitches!

Monday, March 4, 2013

The Tate, The Tube and Afternoon Tea

I just got back from London, it was my first time there and it was incredible! Naturally, since it was my first time there, I had to do lots of touristy sightseeing and other "British things". The first full day I was there I walked so I could take a lot in. The next few days I decided I'd ride the tube, a daunting task for me. "It's underground!" "It goes so fast!" "There's so many people on it, what if they're mean?!" "Isn't that where Javier Bardem almost kills James Bond and a mess of other people?!" Turns out it wasn't too bad, for what I used it for, it was easy enough. Although I did make a few mistakes.

I wanted to seem like I was from there. Not look like a doofy tourist who needs help with everything. So I wanted to ride the tube with ease. The first day I fucked up immediately. Went to the wrong spot, thinking it was the station, but it was the construction site where the new edition of the station would be opening in like 4 years. The station was right across the street from my blind ass, and also mainly my blind eyes. My ass being blind is virtually irrelevant. Then, when I tried to get in I scanned my card incorrectly. An employee showed me the correct way, in front of PLENTY of people. Failure. The next day was a little better except for when I tried my card...in the correct spot mind you...I realized I was scanning it at a turnstyle that was clearly out of order. I did not realize it until it was brought to my attention by a Japanese tourist passing by who clearly spoke less English than me. Come on Steve! It's the same language as you speak just with a sweet accent! Out of order...still means out of order! No crazy chips - fries, crisps - chips, biscuits - cookies, confusing conversion there!



So, the third day, I was determined to use the tube without any mistakes. And you know what? I did! Rode it all the way to my destination, no fuck ups on the way. Didn't fall over or bounce around too much when it would stop and accelerate like I was the first two days. Rode it back to the hotel with ease, totally looked like a hardcore Brit who rides the tube every day. I know it! People around me must have been impressed with how sheerly awesome I was. Until I walked out of the station onto the crowded street, finally back above ground, and wouldn't you know it, a crazed pigeon flew up off of the ground and decided to flap within a 10 foot radius of me...well who wouldn't freak out like their life was about to end? Well, a hardcore Brit who rides the tube every day probably wouldn't...but I did. Shielding my face and my life from a bird that hardly came anywhere near me. Well, there goes that fantasy I had of looking cool.



Though another fantasy of mine seems like it still could come true. Becoming an artist. When I had ridden the tube earlier it was to the Tate, that was my destination. The Tate is a museum for those of you who don't know. And if you also don't know, like I didn't, the Tate Modern is not the only branch of it. There is the classic Tate (like classic Coke) with lots of classical art, then there's the Tate Modern (like a Coke promotion that lasts a week) with modern art...which was where I went. Now before we go any further, I would like to say, I feel I can appreciate many types of art and that I have an open mind. I may not be the most cultured person, but I get it. I get most symbolism. And I can also understand that many things are probably past my understanding and I'm OK with that. For instance, here's a 3D something-or-other in the Tate Modern that I may or may not have been allowed to take a picture of...

Monday, February 25, 2013

#BorthersInParis

Are you familiar with the Jay-Z and Kanye West song, N Words In Paris? Well, this is Borthers In Paris. And I know what you're thinking, you're thinking what everyone thinks and what spellcheck thinks, but no that is not an accidental misspelling. It's on purpose! After one typo long ago, my brother and I (or should I say borther?) have used the misspelling often as it sounds like a word on it's own. And a fun one to say!

So, if you follow me on Instagram or Twitter (@SteveInevitable) you've probably seen a lot of #BorthersInParis as we're putting it on lots of stuff! And some others like #FrenchSoHard because the whole theme of the trip has been Borthers In Paris. We're leaving today but have been here for about 60 hours. Our presence has been felt and will be remembered.



French so hard
Parisians wanna fine me
But first Parisians gotta find me
What's 50 grand to a mother fucker like me
Can you please remind me? (Well, actually it's A LOT!)

Anyway, we've been doing our best to French it up here, but our deeply embedded American sensibilities and lack of knowledge in the French language have not been making that easy. Some examples?

We went to Notre Dame, walked through the inside. It's strange because there is some sort of church service going on while everyone is walking around the perimeter of the church sight-seeing. And not being too quiet. Same deal at Sacre Coeur (Pronounced something like Sak-rah Swa). So, we head in, in the middle is a gigantic area with plenty of people listening and watching the service going on. Tons of people, including me and Borth, are walking around the perimeter, shuffling through looking at everything (and it is quite amazing and beautiful) but everyone's making a good deal of noise. You're not supposed to talk, most people are, and though its quietly, everyone taking quietly together is not quiet. Then, we come across the coin machines. No joke, they have the machines where you pay money, put a coin in and it stretches and engraves it with a picture of something. The thing almost sounds like an arcade game when it's done, spitting your finished product back out, clanging around on everything.



So, my brother and I sit down off to the side at one point, as we've been walking all day and are exhausted. We're pretty far away from the middle where everyone sits, and I very quietly began to ask what he thinks it's like to be one of these people. You're going to this outstanding church with so much history but as you're trying to become involved in this all there's hundreds of people circling around, shuffling through, muttering, mumbling, talking, collecting souvenirs from loud machines, it must be so distracting. I feel like the church part must lose some appeal, and as I'm in the middle of making my point, a lady sitting in the same section as us, who I thought was also resting her legs as she was off to the side in the "Visitor's Section", turns around and shushes me hard! I got quite the stare along with it. Case and point. I truly wasn't trying to be disrespectful but I did prove my own point. I apologized, in English, which was probably as good as if I had just crossed my eyes and shouted "Blorgin!" so I'm sure that lady now associates me with all Americans and hates us all, sorry guys. My bad. I'm making the typical American so much more real, trampling through the Church with my Godzilla-like verbage. Frenchin' so hard...church gonna damn me...what's Hell to a human with a core of 98.6 degrees...can you please remind me?


On the way back we stopped at a Cafe because we needed to sit. We had walked about 8 miles that day. We ordered wine, Borth wanted escargot, which I also love so we decided to partake in that. I hadn't had a crepe yet.....in Paris?! I know, so I ordered one there, with chocolate and bananas...which was good...but obviously a weird combo with escargot. The waiter kept looking at me weird, giving me a hard time. He wouldn't give me the tools for the escargot for awhile. He said, "No, you don't get them, you have chocolate." I wasn't sure if I was ever going to get them and then he finally had mercy on my poor American ass and gave me some. Or maybe he preferred it that way because then he got to keep coming over and shake his head at me for simultaneously consuming escargot and a chocolate crepe. Look, I never wanna do THAT again and I would have preferred to just have the escargot, and the free bread that comes with EVERYTHING here. But I had to make sure I had a crepe in Paris. You understand right? Maybe if he knew my timetables he would have understood too. Frenchin' so hard...waiter wanna kill me.

As we get ready to leave I look back and we did a lot of stuff in a few days. I'm quite satisfied with everything we saw and did. Eiffel Tower, couple huge churches that will never let me in again, I had croissants, crepes, escargot, foie gras and plenty of other delicious foods and delicious places go inside my tummy and my pupils respectively. Oh and I received my French name while out here. Written down permanently on my Starbuck's cup.


Steeve. Yup, that is how you say my name in France. For real, it's not like they messed up the spelling or something.  So, we leave snowy Paris today with much accomplished, we feel good about everything we saw. Oh wait, I forgot! We got one more place to go see before we fly outta this joint! The place where Scott Fitzgerald showed his wee wee to Ernest Hemingway when he was insecure about the size of it! We're gonna go get breakfast there...right now! Over and out! French so hard...Urologists wanna fine me. What am I doing showing my weiner to a writer...can you please remind me?

Monday, February 18, 2013

Blood City - Episode 4

It's been quite some time since we saw what was going on in Blood City. If you need a recap revisit Episodes 1-3. If you need quick notes...Princess Una Mae kidnapped, Zaron sets off to find her in order to collect some prize money, kills some goons who had been keeping her, grabs her, is driving her to safety, is rammed off the road by a drunk car thief and also murgolated by that same car thief (which is a form of murder that is just the worst!) and now this drunk car thief has Princess Una Mae.



Just a regular day in Blood City. And here the Drunk Car Thief, Randy, is with Una Mae tied up in the trunk. He notices he has rammed this car off the road right by a gas station.



Thumbs up! Should I go in for Doritos and a Mountain Dew?!



No time for that! He forgot, in Blood City when a car crash is heard, it is only minutes before all the delinquents in town show up in hopes to loot the wreckage. Here they all are, even that one guy with a huge head! And they have noticed the Princess! Flyers have been put up all over town promoting the cash monies reward that will be received if she is returned safely.



The fastest of the group is the first to challenge Randy. He's clearly looking for a fight to the death. Winner take hostage!



Thumbs up again! How is Randy staying so cool?



Especially under these heated circumstances...



Yo Billy Joel! I figured out who started the fire! Toasty!

Friday, February 8, 2013

Naked Emergency!

Maybe you always sleep naked. Maybe you only sleep naked sometimes. Maybe every once in a whatever-colored-moon it seems appealing and you try it out...it can be refreshing! Doesn't matter how often you sleep naked, if you ever have, and know it is even of the slightest of possibilities for your future, YOU ARE AT RISK!

At risk of what? I'll tell you what. A fucked up situation! Recently, I had the urge to sleep naked. Whatever, it happens, we don't have to talk about it, you don't have to think about it. Grow up if you just went "ew!" cause guess what...fucking deal with it! People all around you, in your life, bagging your groceries, checking your oil, they do it from time to time, get past it and life will be easier. Anyway, I was saying, I had the urge, so I did it. Like I said, it can be refreshing! But in the middle of the night I was awoken by a loud crashing noise. I jumped out of bed startled, something had most definitely fallen and made a loud noise inside our apartment. I look at the clock (the one on my phone because since I moved out on my own I haven't bought a god damn clock...I know...pathetic) and it is around 4 in the morning. OK, 4 in the morning, awoken by a crashing noise, what might you think? Break in! Oh yeah, and I live in LA. Not a bad part or anything but it's still a big city. Could be a break in.

So, I start freaking out, also only half-awake, and I'm freaking out partially because there might be an intruder in our place but more so because I'm naked! And it's dark and I can't find anything to put on! OK, if this had been a real break-in (if by now you haven't realized in the light tone in which I'm approaching this, it wasn't a break-in) I'd be fucked more royally than a king on his birthday! Intruder comes in, looking for cash or things to pawn for cash, does not give a shit about anything, will do whatever he needs to, to get away with valuables...and I have no clothes on! How vulnerable am I? Oh also, I had not ever had the foresight to keep anything I can use as a weapon near my bed.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

My Date With Rashida Jones

I always title these web chats that I get to do as "My Date With Such And Such..." because I like naming them that way and it makes me feel like I at least have dates every once in awhile. But this one was one I really wish was a date! Rashida Jones?! You kidding me?! I was so excited when I was invited to take part of this web chat because in addition to her being beautiful, I'm a huge fan of hers! Parks And Recreation. I Love You, Man. The Office. Our Idiot Brother. That's just to name a few things...and probably my favorites of her work. And now, "Celeste & Jesse Forever", which was what this web chat was all about on Spreecast. And I will add that to the list.

If you haven't seen it, first of all, maybe you should stop reading my blog and go watch it. Well no not literally, read the rest of this and then like a couple more posts...but then go watch it. It's a more serious movie but is also really funny. And it's Rashida Jones's first writing credit. Which was one of the more interesting aspects to me. She plays all these comedic roles and then branches out and does a role with more drama and seriousness and crying (she even talked about that)...but she wrote this role for herself!

(Check it out! I made her laugh! Most proud I've ever been in my life, and I once caught all 151 original Pokemon!)

So, I asked her about writing this movie (which she wrote with Will McCormack who co-stars) as it was her first writing credit. I asked her if this is more her writing style, different from her usual roles, the more serious approach, and if she thought if she were to write more, is this what we should expect. She said that the romantic comedy genre has always interested her and she loves movies like that (mentioning "Annie Hall" as one) and she really wanted to tell this story. She went on to explain, that on this topic "I've said what I needed to say" which I thought was pretty damn well put. But she likes stories of relationships she told me and thinks maybe in the future she could do some stories that are about families or something high concept and in explaining this to me made me think, she would probably write in the tone she wrote this movie in.