Monday, December 10, 2012

Sunday Night Football Player Intro Template

You ever watch Sunday Night Football and see the player intros of themselves? You ever get a giggle when someone says something comical? You ever get sad when you miss one? Well, here’s the template for the offensive and defensive player intros if you ever need your fill.

OFFENSE

“Quarterback’s Name, Notable College You’ve Actually Heard Of, Enunciated Well”

“Halfback’s Name, College Name You Don’t Quite Catch The Name Of Due To The Thick Southern Accent It’s Said In”

“Wide Receiver’s Name, Some High School”

“Wide Receiver’s Name, Some Middle School”

“Tight End’s Name, Joke College, Joke Most Likely Written By The Kicker Or Punter”

“Tight End’s Name, College Name Pronounced In Just Under 1 Minute”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, College That Forged His Grades So He Could Win Games For Them”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, College That Did Him No Favors By Passing Him Along Regardless Of The Fact That He Made It To The NFL Because After His 8-12 Year Career He Will Be So Banged Up And Bruised On The Brain And He Will Have No Skills Learned In College To Use In The Real World That He Will Not Be Able To Get A Job Post-NFL And Sure You Say, “So What, He Made Millions?!” But You Forget He Probably Also Has A Gambling Problem And He’s Careless With His Money And Spends It On Sports Cars And Escalades And Mansions And Will Eventually Run Out Of Money And Will Declare Bankruptcy Like Antoine Walker And Hundreds Of Other Professional Sports Players”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, Alabama”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, Nickname For A College You’ve Never Heard So Now You’re Confused”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, Somewhere Else In The South”

DEFENSE

“Defensive Lineman’s Name, Cow Country State College”

“Defensive Lineman’s Name, Some Country You Aren’t Quite Sure Where It’s Located”

“Defensive Lineman’s Name, Over Enthusiastic Shouting Of A School Known For Pumping Out Football Players And Almost Football Players”

“Linebacker’s Name, College In One Of Those States That May As Well Be In Canada If It Weren’t For The U.S. Wanting The Oil Deposits There”

“Linebacker’s Name, College Name Said In A Will Ferrell Character Impersonation”

“Linebacker’s Name, Somewhere In Texas”

“Linebacker’s Name, Somewhere Else In Texas”

“Cornerback’s Name, College Location, Team Name, Slogan, And Several Other Things That Hardly Have Anything To Do With The College Because This Highly Paid Athlete Feels Due To His Higher Skillset That He Deserves More Air Time And Should Be Allowed To Shout Nonsense At A Camera For An Hour”

“Safety’s Name, Unintentionally Funny Pronunciation Of A College With A Name Oddly Similar To An Organ Of The Human Body”

“Safety’s Name, That One College You Almost Got Into With Your Perfect Grades And Hours Of Voluntary Community Service But Lack Of Any Athletic Ability”

“Cornerback’s Name, Not Even The Name Of A College, Just A Slang Word Often Used In Rap Songs”

And there you have it.

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