Monday, December 3, 2012

McDonald's: Pollution For Your Face

This incident happened to me last week but I think I’m finally ready to talk about it now. I was pretty heated over all this. It’s time to get it out there to the world now.

So, I left work really late. Later than originally intended. I was going to make dinner when I got home but I was so tired I said, “Fuck that!” To no one in particular and pulled into a nearby McDonald’s drive-thru. Now, if you don’t know me, you don’t know how tired I have to be or how much I have to have given up on my life at that particular moment to have McDonald’s. Like anyone else, I give in often enough. But it’s never with a smile on my face.

Anyway, I pull into the drive-thru, so unhappy with my choice. My insides can sense the grease and start to rumble in preparation for the violence they will ensue. Or maybe they were trying to tell me how it wasn’t worth it and to drive away. When I finally get up to the window me and the man behind the speaker have a convo that goes like this.

SPEAKER GUY - Can I help you?
ME - Yeah, how much is the 10 piece nugget?
SPEAKER GUY - You want the 10 piece?
ME - Wait, how much is it?
SPEAKER GUY - It comes with 10 nuggets. Do you want it?
ME - Uh...yeah sure.
SPEAKER GUY - Is that it?
ME - Can I also get a medium Hi-C?
There is a silence so long I literally had time to open Instagram, find a picture I happened to like, like it and comment on it. Speaker Guy returns from taking a shit in the middle of the floor most probably.
SPEAKER GUY - So, is that it?
ME - Did you get the Hi-C?
SPEAKER GUY - You want Iced Tea? Sweetened or Unsweetened?
ME - No. Hi-C.
SPEAKER GUY - Hi-C. OK, you got it. Is that it?
ME - Just the Hi-C and the nuggets, yeah.
SPEAKER GUY - Is that it?
ME - Ummm...yeah!
SPEAKER GUY - Drive around to the second window.

Already I am hating myself but I’ve already ordered. It will all be over soon. Just got to drive around and get my food. I pull up and there are two cars waiting in front of me. No biggie. SO YOU’D THINK! I end up waiting forever! I have no idea what is happening! I take to social media again and manage to comment on 2 different Facebook statuses, retweet some tweets, go back on Instagram and like 3 more photos that have since been updated! And I am still waiting! It’s to the point where I want to leave. Just say, “Fuck it” again and drive off. I haven’t paid yet. But I’ve already waited so long. I’ve already invested so much time. I gotta stick it out at this point. But we are not moving at all and there is no sign of life from the McDonald’s window. No joke, the car behind me literally starts spewing smoke from the hood. It’s billowing everywhere, so much to the point that I can’t even see the car behind me anymore.

Just as I’m thinking that maybe the car behind me is on fire the line starts moving. The two cars in front of me get their food at snail-like pace and I reach the window. The guy trudges through a fry-lined-kitchen-floor towards me, not at all worried that the vehicle behind me is probably ready to explode in just a few moments. He tells me my total is 7 whatever. I give him my card.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Oh a card?

He then walks off with my card. Oh a card?! Yeah, that is one common form of payment, troll! Let’s hurry it up! I cannot believe I waited so long in this line for fucking McDonald’s as it is! But also the fire department is about to get an urgent call for a car combusting whilst waiting too long in a drive-thru, probably longer than any car’s ever waited...ever! I can clearly see him go stand in front of a computer, stare at the screen, not touch anything, hold my card the whole time, then trudge back.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - We currently cannot accept credit cards. Our machine isn’t working.

He hands me my card back. I explain to him that nobody told me I couldn’t use a card when I ordered and I have waited in line for a tremendously long time and I only have five dollars cash on me...as nicely as I can. I do not remember the exact wording, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t even that nice at all.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Well, if you don’t have enough money...
ME - I have enough money on my card.
MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Um. Well, let’s see, the burger and the fries...
ME - I didn’t get a burger. I got nuggets. And a drink.

He then disappears. Apparently he wasn’t done with taking a shit earlier. Or he forgot to wipe. He returns with a bag. Free of shit, don’t worry, I checked.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - These are the nuggets. And here’s the drink. I’ll only charge you for the nuggets. It’s 4.32.

I give him my five dollars.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - OK, you’re all set. Bye bye.
ME - (As he is walking away) - What about my change?
MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Yeah, you’re all set.
He disappears.

OK, I get that I was getting everything for cheaper than what it cost but did I not deserve my change? If he wasn’t going to give me any change why didn’t he just tell me it was 5 dollars even? I still felt I deserved my change and/or the last 25 minutes of my life back but I decide it is time to put this behind me and just leave. Fucking peel out even.

Oh my Lord! This is the problem with McDonald’s! Not only is it sad for your insides and eating it is basically a sign that says, “I gave up” but they kill your brain too! They waste your time and put you in mind-boggling situations like this! I am in no way trying to discredit them and tell people to stay away from them. They discredit themselves. And people will still go, no matter what. But I think, besides being healthier and in an initiative to pollute my body less, I also just want to pollute my life less. And that was a polluting experience. I need to stay off the McDonald’s for at least 52 weeks. I’m going to do my very best. Want to follow my progress? I’ll be live tweeting my weekly McDonald’s detox. @SteveInevitable

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