Monday, December 31, 2012

How To Get The Most Out Of Your Beer Pong Game

Most people believe in the philosophy that if you are playing a drinking game, you’re better if you’ve already been drinking. Sober Sallys are the rookies in the games and the vets are past a few deep. But how deep is too deep? Once asked by a famous pornographer...and now by me. You can definitely get too sloshed and lose your magic touch. When it comes to the most popular drinking game of beer pong, I’ve always been fairly certain of how my skills progressed. I finalized my research and rolled it up into a scientific sweatervest. I’m hoping my conclusion to my hypothesis can help you...The Average Party-Goer.

Observe.


Now, as you see, my skill-set is around decent when sober. I am your average-skilled-at-games human being. My athletic and competitive ability are in the mean the mode the medium and every other type of average you could imagine. My graph is for my personal skills, yet will be extremely close to the average Johnny Walker. Now look at what happens the more beers I drink. The better I get! It’s like a video game! The power ups (beer) increase my  basic attack ability (ping pong ball shot). We won’t get into magic attacks because I don’t play with tequila anymore. No more sorcery here, muchacho.

Get me to 6 beers and oh boy! I’m at 100 in those mystery units. That’s as good as I can humanly be! But look at what happens after 6 beers! At 7 and even 8 beers I somehow go above what is humanly possible. My special attack is kicking in and I am of God-In-Training Status. The 7-8 beer range is where I want to be and where I want to stay. But you can never stay there that long. Because all you want to do is keep drinking. And keep drinking is what I do. However, past 8 beers is too many beers. As you can see just that next sip is dangerous as my skills drop as quickly as anyone’s pants would at that same beer level. And just when you think it can’t get any worse once you’ve hit double digit brews...I crank an 11th one back and somehow do worse than if I were just standing still, handing my turn over to a piece of lint.

So, there’s my beer pong story. I hope it helps you. If you’re anything like me, try to nurse those 7th and 8th beers. Hope you can finish up the tournament before number 9. If it’s a small division and few teams, go for beers. Down em bud. But if it’s double elimination, every team in the playoffs, you’re better off with a water cup and staying sober. If you’re like me anyway. So, practice safe beer ponging this New Year’s and for all events moving forward. Want to play your first game of 2013 at the crack of midnight? Try it while celebrating the new calendar year properly, CHAMPONG!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Unbelievable Home Alone Genetics

So, you've seen Home Alone, right? Great movie. One in which, no matter what ridiculous and unbelievable things happen, I accept them since the movie is so amazing. I'm sure many of you do the same. Certain things you may overlook due to the sheer awesomeness of the movie...

The iron falling on Marv's face and not breaking or bloodying his nose...just leaving a mark.

The blowtorch lighting Harry's head on fire and him standing still for a good 4 seconds before deciding he isn't a cartoon and running away to pile drive himself into the snow.

Kevin sledding from the top of the stairs all the way down, out the front door and into the front yard without crashing into anything even though the stairs are clearly not perfectly aligned with the front door.

10 pizzas costing $122.50 in 1990. (What were their toppings, lobster and platinum?)

The pizza boy not calling the cops after being "shot at".

Whatever it may be that you notice that makes you go, "Um, I don't know if THAT would really happen" it's OK. It's all good. Because the movie is all good. For me, I'll come across a new one of these every once in awhile but then it just takes another viewing to smooth things out. Just one more viewing for me to say, "It's alright. It's Home Alone! The movie is basically perfection!" And I've seen the movie more times than an adult should have. More times than the average adult male has seen boobs. Every time I see a new thing, Home Alone manages to make it all better by being viewed just one more time. But here's the latest thing I noticed. The newest part of the movie I'm really having a problem with.

This...


Plus this...


Equals this???


You really dropped the ball on this one, Biology! How did that one happen?

While you all ponder how the above is possible in this current world we live in I'm going to watch the movie one more time so that I don't have to continue to join you all in intense cerebral paralysis.

Friday, December 21, 2012

My Date With Milla Jovovich

It's a blog post published on December 21st 2012 and it's NOT about the end of the world?! Yeah, I hope you guys aren't looking for that cause I'm not talking about that. It's not happening. I realized looking back, I was so confident it wouldn't happen I should have bet on it. Either way, it's the safest bet you could make. "I bet you $100 the world won't end on the 21st." Either you get your money, or by some chance you lose but you don't have to worry about paying up. But this isn't what we're talking about here! Although, briefly Milla Jovovich did give her answer to a fan who asked if she thought the world would end as the Mayans predicted it. Her answer was basically...even if it did she'd just be hanging out with good company eating good food so it'd be fine, but that she didn't think it would be ending.

That's a perfect example of how laid back and nice she was in this live chat show I got to join in with her. Most of the movies I know her from are the Resident Evil movies or The Fifth Element, movies such as that where she plays a very strong character. Or just a very strong personality of a character. It was great to see how she was in normal life since I don't think I'd ever seen an interview with her. Not that I thought she'd be all Alice from Resident Evil, guns at her hips, mean-mugging, black latex outfit (maybe I hoped for that last one) but she was so opposite that. She was laughing a lot, she was very funny and charming and was actually quite inspirational at times. I don't know if this is a quote from someone else, but I don't care because it came out of her so naturally and organically, but she said to one guy (and everyone) "Who are you when no one's looking?" It was at the tail end of talking about doing what you like and what keeps you interested and things in that nature. But I really liked that last part. I guess it's time for me to be really weird in public, if I am to be that person when no one is looking all the time!

Anyway, this live chat show was promoting the video release of the newest of the Resident Evil movies, Resident Evil: Retribution. My cam showed up on the feed somewhere in the middle of the show and she immediately greeted me and asked me who I was and where I was. I told her my name and that I was in Los Angeles (and dropped the name of my blog, Kaboom!) and she was instantly taken aback. She told me she really thought I was about to start speaking Spanish. I ended up laughing pretty hard since I was so surprised by that comment, very few times has someone looked at me and thought I'd speak Spanish (my Spanish teacher, girls I told I spoke Spanish to impress them, that's about it). I asked her why and she went on to explain, and I wish I had the video to prove this, hopefully I'll get it soon and I can put it up here. But she told me, she wasn't quite sure, maybe it was because she saw a tall, dark, handsome man and he just looked like he might speak Spanish. Yeah, I got to do a live chat with Milla Jovovich  and she called ME handsome.


Check it out, I do look a little Latin I suppose. I used to lie and tell people I was part Argentinian so maybe I passed for that in Milla's eyes. And as for handsome, I don't know, you're looking at the same feed she was looking at. Her husband was right there in the room (off camera) but I hope it didn't hurt his ego too much. He wins, he goes home with her every night. I get complimented by her in front of thousands of people all over the world. (In my world that's still winning though.)


Oh, there we go. That's the face she saw that made her decide to use the word "handsome". It's my sexy-face. Anyway, after we had a good laugh, and I tried to collect myself and pull my jaw back up into the non-shocked-human range, I asked her my question. I was most curious that since most of the Resident Evil movies were a few years apart and she did a couple projects in between each if it was ever hard for her to get back into the role of Alice. If there were any breaks in between movies that proved to be more difficult. And since she's a professional, her answer is basically that, once taking the amount of time necessary to prep oneself you can get back into the character. Though she did admit that sometimes after spending months away from a project once it's completed filming and she has to come back to do voice work...that can be difficult. She even did an example of a line she might say in the movie a few times, the process of trying to get it right. Saying it first as Milla, trying it again as the mother of her children, still not getting it, then finally.....Yes. She did the Alice voice for me. Which was pretty fun to hear a line spoken by her, twice with little meaning because of how it was spoken. And then a third time, perfectly done as Alice, and it had all that much more impact.

Anywho, the show was great. I had a lot of fun. I sincerely did feel honored to be able to ask this amazing and successful actress a question and get such an honest answer from her. And it was great seeing her interact with all the other fans from all over the world and hearing her responses to them. And let's not forget, she called me handsome. That's really all I needed for Christmas. Thank you Milla Jovovich. Sorry I didn't get you anything. But if I might try here...you're very lady-handsome...or beautiful as I've heard it called in some circles. Merry Christmas to you and to Sony as well! Thanks for letting me hop in this show. Alright, time to head to work and brag about my new girlfriend...

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

My Date With Looper

Just yesterday I had the amazing honor of getting to ask Looper writer/director Rian Johnson a question on a live cam show! Spreecast be it's name! I'd never been on there before but it's pretty fantastic. Chase Whale was the awesome guy running the whole show. He asked some great questions, asked some of the fans questions for them, and a lucky few of us got to ask Rian ourselves (look at me on a first name basis with him) via webcam.

I luckily had a webcam which, no joke, I've NEVER used. I bought it once for something, nothing sex related, and then decided not to do it. I honestly can't remember which just makes me think, I thought of a "funny" idea involving having a webcam, bought one spur of the moment, woke up the next morning and realized it wasn't a good idea at all, and never returned the webcam since I'm so lazy. But, it was lucky I still had it, so I got to ask Rian myself! I'll post the link to most of the show at the end of this post if you want to watch it. It was literally Rian Johnson's birthday, he did the show anyway, and went longer because he had the time and he's so cool like that! I didn't post the whole thing, there's around 20-25 minutes of content beforehand, but the clip is starting with my question and then all the other questions afterwards.

I'm not trying to be cocky or anything and start it off with myself...I was trying to be mega-cocky and make a clip that was only my question but somehow messed it up and made it run to the very end. Oh well, it's still an hour of amazingness and beauty and cinematic...well let's not get ahead of ourselves, it was webcam quality. The best webcam quality you could have though! But in all honesty Rian had some amazing answers to, what I think were, some pretty damn good questions. And him and Chase were just pretty funny and apparently kind of have a thing for each other, which was fun to watch play out on camera! It was like watching the B story (the love story, you guys) as all the very important stuff was happening simultaneously.

Here's a screenshot I took of a pivotal moment in the show, where Rian is answering my question and at the same time, in the chat window to the right, my hair is being complimented by people I don't even know. Something I experience every day.


Shout out to Alistair! Thanks bud. But yeah, Rian was really great and super nice to everyone, very informative. I was pretty damn honored to be able to ask him a question, get his detailed answer and be on the screen with him at the same time in which I had plenty moments to print screen and get the best images from to make millions with! I haven't decided how that will work yet but I'm sure it will somehow! And Chase did a fantastic job as the moderator and I really couldn't ask for a better first Spreecast! So, without further adieu (Really? It took me 4 times to get it right and THAT'S the correct spelling?) here is the clip! I hope you all enjoy as much as I did!

Questions For Mr. Looper

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Friends All-Star Team

Imagine if there was like a Greatest Hits of Friends. Or better yet, an All-Star Team for Friends. It would go a little something like this.

Season 2 Chandler when he was at his funniest.

Season 5 Ross when he was at his funniest, due to that time of his life he was at his craziest.

Season 4 Monica when she was at her hottest, also she’s naked the entire time.

Season 1 Rachel at her hottest, also gets to be perma-naked.

Season 9 Phoebe when she got to her hottest. What is she like a wine? Gets better with age? So weird, the other two were hotter when younger but she was the opposite. Oh also she’s naked because duh, she’s a girl.

And Joey from any season because I really don’t think he has a best or worst season.

Alternates...

I don’t know, Gunther from Season 1 when he was only an extra. Because that’s funny.

Carol from the first episode she was in because she was that one actress then they got rid of her for the less attractive one. And don’t think that I’m gross when I say, also naked, because she had only just found out she was pregnant and she wasn’t even close to showing yet so it isn’t sick!

And Paul Rudd from the finale because he too gets better with age.

Done. My All-Star Team has been assembled. This seems to be problematic that my brain thinks of these things. I think it’s a direct result of seeing too much Friends and seeing Not Enough Naked Ladies In My Bedroom. Naked Ladies - please help. Bring your box set of all the Friends episodes too.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Sunday Night Football Player Intro Template

You ever watch Sunday Night Football and see the player intros of themselves? You ever get a giggle when someone says something comical? You ever get sad when you miss one? Well, here’s the template for the offensive and defensive player intros if you ever need your fill.

OFFENSE

“Quarterback’s Name, Notable College You’ve Actually Heard Of, Enunciated Well”

“Halfback’s Name, College Name You Don’t Quite Catch The Name Of Due To The Thick Southern Accent It’s Said In”

“Wide Receiver’s Name, Some High School”

“Wide Receiver’s Name, Some Middle School”

“Tight End’s Name, Joke College, Joke Most Likely Written By The Kicker Or Punter”

“Tight End’s Name, College Name Pronounced In Just Under 1 Minute”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, College That Forged His Grades So He Could Win Games For Them”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, College That Did Him No Favors By Passing Him Along Regardless Of The Fact That He Made It To The NFL Because After His 8-12 Year Career He Will Be So Banged Up And Bruised On The Brain And He Will Have No Skills Learned In College To Use In The Real World That He Will Not Be Able To Get A Job Post-NFL And Sure You Say, “So What, He Made Millions?!” But You Forget He Probably Also Has A Gambling Problem And He’s Careless With His Money And Spends It On Sports Cars And Escalades And Mansions And Will Eventually Run Out Of Money And Will Declare Bankruptcy Like Antoine Walker And Hundreds Of Other Professional Sports Players”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, Alabama”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, Nickname For A College You’ve Never Heard So Now You’re Confused”

“Offensive Lineman’s Name, Somewhere Else In The South”

DEFENSE

“Defensive Lineman’s Name, Cow Country State College”

“Defensive Lineman’s Name, Some Country You Aren’t Quite Sure Where It’s Located”

“Defensive Lineman’s Name, Over Enthusiastic Shouting Of A School Known For Pumping Out Football Players And Almost Football Players”

“Linebacker’s Name, College In One Of Those States That May As Well Be In Canada If It Weren’t For The U.S. Wanting The Oil Deposits There”

“Linebacker’s Name, College Name Said In A Will Ferrell Character Impersonation”

“Linebacker’s Name, Somewhere In Texas”

“Linebacker’s Name, Somewhere Else In Texas”

“Cornerback’s Name, College Location, Team Name, Slogan, And Several Other Things That Hardly Have Anything To Do With The College Because This Highly Paid Athlete Feels Due To His Higher Skillset That He Deserves More Air Time And Should Be Allowed To Shout Nonsense At A Camera For An Hour”

“Safety’s Name, Unintentionally Funny Pronunciation Of A College With A Name Oddly Similar To An Organ Of The Human Body”

“Safety’s Name, That One College You Almost Got Into With Your Perfect Grades And Hours Of Voluntary Community Service But Lack Of Any Athletic Ability”

“Cornerback’s Name, Not Even The Name Of A College, Just A Slang Word Often Used In Rap Songs”

And there you have it.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Jacksonville Hopefuls

Some football fans are so dedicated and hopeful that every play, every drive, every game, they think in their mind, “If we just get this one, we’re still in it! We got this! We can do this!” Some people, even when it’s almost humanly impossible, still believe their team can score 3 touchdowns in less than a minute. Ever been there? “I mean technically they could. They just need to score in one play, onside kick recovery, score in one play, onside kick recovery, score in one play. It can be done! Go team!” You have trouble letting go of the inevitable loss. Then there are the people who still hope something marvelous will happen that has never happened before in the history of the NFL and their losing team will march into the playoffs after every one counted them out. After analysts said it was impossible!

I’m here to help that last group. You can’t help but to be a big fan of your team. You can’t let go when every one is telling you to. When everyone is already looking to next season and “that great pick in the draft next year”. Well, don’t worry! You should always stay hopeful! There is always hope!

Jacksonville hopefuls, sad that the roar of your Jaguars has been lulled to a quiet purr as the season has progressed? Depressed that everyone has told you they’re out of the playoff run? Well, they aren’t quite out of it yet! I have figured out a way in which the Jaguars can make the playoffs. Follow me with this one.

- First, they need to win out. An obvious factor. Win those last 4 games and finish with a strong 6-10 record. One of those is a division game. IMPORTANT!

- Secondly, you need some important division rivalries to go your way. You’re going for a Wild Card here. There’s no chance of clinching the division so forget about that. Buffalo and Miami are both 5-7 which means when they play each other Week 16 one of them will have to have at least 6 wins, just like you. You want it to be Miami who you will still beat on your win streak to the playoffs and not Buffalo who has a tiebreaker over you...cause they just beat you remember? OK, along with that, some other division rivalries need to go your way. It’s fine, they will.

- Third, you need 212 players in the NFL to test positive for steroids and to react horribly to the news, throwing a fit and tossing chairs at visiting ambassadors from respected ally countries. This will surely get them from suspended for the rest of the 2012 season and playoffs.

- Fourth, you need those 212 players to fully comprise 4 separate NFL teams. 4 specific teams in the AFC Wild Card hunt that have records you cannot achieve this season. With completely empty rosters they would either be forced to pick up replacement players or forfeit. Have you seen “The Replacements”? The replacement players consist of actors such as Keanu Reeves, busy with a movie called “Man Of Tai Chi”, Faizon Love, busy with a “Friday” reunion, Jon Favreau, busy with a whole bunch of “Iron Man” shit, Rhys Ifans, busy fighting his skin mutation and also Peter Parker, and several others who are also not available. With no replacement players available, these teams will have to forfeit and will be counted out for the season and the playoffs!

With all four of these important and decently likely events taking place, you will glide into the playoffs, spots and fur in place and teeth bared ready to maul the competition. Just take care of your end, winning out, and the rest will come to you. You’re basically an AFC Wild Card winner already. Just stay hopeful Jacksonville. Like a true fan. Don’t let anyone tell you, you’re crazy. And root for those Jaguars until the bitter end...er... I mean... the sweet, sweet end!

Monday, December 3, 2012

McDonald's: Pollution For Your Face

This incident happened to me last week but I think I’m finally ready to talk about it now. I was pretty heated over all this. It’s time to get it out there to the world now.

So, I left work really late. Later than originally intended. I was going to make dinner when I got home but I was so tired I said, “Fuck that!” To no one in particular and pulled into a nearby McDonald’s drive-thru. Now, if you don’t know me, you don’t know how tired I have to be or how much I have to have given up on my life at that particular moment to have McDonald’s. Like anyone else, I give in often enough. But it’s never with a smile on my face.

Anyway, I pull into the drive-thru, so unhappy with my choice. My insides can sense the grease and start to rumble in preparation for the violence they will ensue. Or maybe they were trying to tell me how it wasn’t worth it and to drive away. When I finally get up to the window me and the man behind the speaker have a convo that goes like this.

SPEAKER GUY - Can I help you?
ME - Yeah, how much is the 10 piece nugget?
SPEAKER GUY - You want the 10 piece?
ME - Wait, how much is it?
SPEAKER GUY - It comes with 10 nuggets. Do you want it?
ME - Uh...yeah sure.
SPEAKER GUY - Is that it?
ME - Can I also get a medium Hi-C?
There is a silence so long I literally had time to open Instagram, find a picture I happened to like, like it and comment on it. Speaker Guy returns from taking a shit in the middle of the floor most probably.
SPEAKER GUY - So, is that it?
ME - Did you get the Hi-C?
SPEAKER GUY - You want Iced Tea? Sweetened or Unsweetened?
ME - No. Hi-C.
SPEAKER GUY - Hi-C. OK, you got it. Is that it?
ME - Just the Hi-C and the nuggets, yeah.
SPEAKER GUY - Is that it?
ME - Ummm...yeah!
SPEAKER GUY - Drive around to the second window.

Already I am hating myself but I’ve already ordered. It will all be over soon. Just got to drive around and get my food. I pull up and there are two cars waiting in front of me. No biggie. SO YOU’D THINK! I end up waiting forever! I have no idea what is happening! I take to social media again and manage to comment on 2 different Facebook statuses, retweet some tweets, go back on Instagram and like 3 more photos that have since been updated! And I am still waiting! It’s to the point where I want to leave. Just say, “Fuck it” again and drive off. I haven’t paid yet. But I’ve already waited so long. I’ve already invested so much time. I gotta stick it out at this point. But we are not moving at all and there is no sign of life from the McDonald’s window. No joke, the car behind me literally starts spewing smoke from the hood. It’s billowing everywhere, so much to the point that I can’t even see the car behind me anymore.

Just as I’m thinking that maybe the car behind me is on fire the line starts moving. The two cars in front of me get their food at snail-like pace and I reach the window. The guy trudges through a fry-lined-kitchen-floor towards me, not at all worried that the vehicle behind me is probably ready to explode in just a few moments. He tells me my total is 7 whatever. I give him my card.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Oh a card?

He then walks off with my card. Oh a card?! Yeah, that is one common form of payment, troll! Let’s hurry it up! I cannot believe I waited so long in this line for fucking McDonald’s as it is! But also the fire department is about to get an urgent call for a car combusting whilst waiting too long in a drive-thru, probably longer than any car’s ever waited...ever! I can clearly see him go stand in front of a computer, stare at the screen, not touch anything, hold my card the whole time, then trudge back.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - We currently cannot accept credit cards. Our machine isn’t working.

He hands me my card back. I explain to him that nobody told me I couldn’t use a card when I ordered and I have waited in line for a tremendously long time and I only have five dollars cash on me...as nicely as I can. I do not remember the exact wording, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t even that nice at all.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Well, if you don’t have enough money...
ME - I have enough money on my card.
MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Um. Well, let’s see, the burger and the fries...
ME - I didn’t get a burger. I got nuggets. And a drink.

He then disappears. Apparently he wasn’t done with taking a shit earlier. Or he forgot to wipe. He returns with a bag. Free of shit, don’t worry, I checked.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - These are the nuggets. And here’s the drink. I’ll only charge you for the nuggets. It’s 4.32.

I give him my five dollars.

MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - OK, you’re all set. Bye bye.
ME - (As he is walking away) - What about my change?
MAN WHO HATES LIFE AND IS POSSIBLY THE SPEAKER GUY - Yeah, you’re all set.
He disappears.

OK, I get that I was getting everything for cheaper than what it cost but did I not deserve my change? If he wasn’t going to give me any change why didn’t he just tell me it was 5 dollars even? I still felt I deserved my change and/or the last 25 minutes of my life back but I decide it is time to put this behind me and just leave. Fucking peel out even.

Oh my Lord! This is the problem with McDonald’s! Not only is it sad for your insides and eating it is basically a sign that says, “I gave up” but they kill your brain too! They waste your time and put you in mind-boggling situations like this! I am in no way trying to discredit them and tell people to stay away from them. They discredit themselves. And people will still go, no matter what. But I think, besides being healthier and in an initiative to pollute my body less, I also just want to pollute my life less. And that was a polluting experience. I need to stay off the McDonald’s for at least 52 weeks. I’m going to do my very best. Want to follow my progress? I’ll be live tweeting my weekly McDonald’s detox. @SteveInevitable