Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Perks Of Being A Zombie

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you died a horrible death. Probably pretty violent. Like you got bitten real bad by a zombie-dude and then you got the sweats, a crazy fever, you started confessing all your worst sins in life like you'd just been injected with truth serum, you probably lose control of your bowels, and it's slow and tortuous before you pass. And yeah sure, you'll probably die a second time after becoming a zombie. Most likely from several poorly aimed gunshots or multiple stab wounds. But that's the worst of it! After that it's pretty easy!

Ah man! It's so tough cooking your steak just right! You want the flavor to be full but you want to make sure it's cooked thoroughly enough so you don't get sick. No need to worry any more bud, you're a zombie! Just eat that flesh raw. It's when it has the most flavor and you'll never get sick. Your stomach is like an iron tank now. Eat it right off the bone! While it's running away from you...

I have to pay rent every damn month! What a hassle! No, you don't. You're a zombie! Do you even own a house? Nope. You wonder around outside looking for tasty humans. Sometimes you even kill and/or eat some in their own home and then can camp out there for a while...rent free! It's like camping mixed with...knowing some very rich, very generous friends that always want you to vacation with them. Sweet deal!

Taxes on every single thing I buy! Then they make me do all this paperwork in April too! As if the extra pennies and nickels every day wasn't enough?! Although, I can't quite remember, what's the tax again on Roaming-Around-Mindlessly-Biting-Off-People's-Necks-And-Hands? That's right. 0% And that's all you do. Welcome to tax free living Zombie-Guy!

Dating is so hard these days. And where do I even meet someone to date? Once you're a zombie, you do not care about that anymore. The average male human thinks about sex every 8 seconds. The average male zombie thinks about sex whenever it isn't thinking about human flesh. Additionally, the average male zombie thinks about human flesh 100% of the time. Lady-Zombies, you have it about the same.

My cable package just cancelled my favorite station without warning! And when I call them to complain they put me on hold for hours and hours! Who cares? Meander on down to their headquarters and bite the guy's face off who screwed you over. And whoever else crosses your path. As slow as you are...85% of people still won't be able to get away from you for some reason. So, don't worry, the Face-Bite is basically in the bag. And those are the perks of being a zombie.

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