Saturday, October 13, 2012

Parking Wars: Steve VS. The Idiots

My name is Stephen Avitabile and I am only human. I make mistakes. I hate admitting when I make a mistake or am wrong but for the sake of the greater good and for battles I must win, I will admit some instances that I have been wrong in the past. This is going to be incredibly hard for me. (Deep breath...here we go.)

- One time I bet my friend $20 that a straight beats a flush in poker. I was so sure I was right. Then we looked it up and it turns out I was wrong. Out twenty and embarrassed in front of all my friends. I didn’t argue it any further, I knew I was wrong. So yeah, that sucked.

- One time I argued for about 5 minutes with someone that both Water type and Ice type are super effective on Fire type in Pokemon. If you knew anything about Pokemon you’d know how ridiculous that accusation is that I’m making, of course Ice is not very effective on Fire. And if you don’t know anything about Pokemon you’d still think it’s ridiculous I argued that long about Pokemon. But again, I was wrong. And once I realized it, I dropped it.

- Another time I insisted the capital of North Carolina was Charlotte when obviously, obviously, it’s Raleigh. Again, when proved wrong, I did not insist further.

I brought up these three horrible, demeaning, gut-wrenching experiences of mine to let you all know...I know I’m not always right. I’m wrong often enough. And when I realize it, I drop it! That is important to know, because when I am right, I will not let it go! As annoying of a quality some people may think that is, I think it’s necessary some people in the world possess this quality. If no one ever insisted slavery was wrong, the world was not flat, women should have equal rights...if no one ever pushed for these important subjects even knowing they were right in their views, how would we have ever made any progress? We wouldn’t. We need people to be persistent when they are right. When I am right, I will not stand “corrected” because there is nothing to correct!

Now, here’s the rundown. I live in LA. Parking is shitty in about 85% of the places you’re going to try to park. You just deal with it. Some places are shittier than others. My friend lives in one of those neighborhoods. Way too many driveways, too many fire hydrants and other reasons for “Red Curb”, and too many people needing to park in these neighborhoods. I am always careful when finding a spot anywhere, especially in this neighborhood! I’ve gotten enough parking tickets, I don’t want anymore of those mother fuckers! I also wish to never be towed because I’m pretty close to broke and can’t afford some nonsense like that. And I am a courteous driver and parker, so I always make sure that if I park somewhere...my car fits in that spot. In this particular instance I parked behind a car against a gray curb. There was just enough room for my car to fit, I even got out and checked to make sure I wasn’t poking out blocking the driveway behind me and moved my car up as much as I possibly could. After getting out and checking, moving up more, double checking, moving up a tiny bit more and triple checking AND QUADRUPLE CHECKING, I decided I was good. My car did not block the driveway behind it. It was just at the edge of the curb, so yeah I was close to the driveway, but I was not blocking it. I was legally parked. Fast forward to the next morning because I stayed at my friend’s house. I walk to my car and find TWO SEPARATE NOTES on it. Here’s one.


Thank you for complimenting me on my ability to “KNOW HOW TO PARK” but why am I a “FUCKING ASSHOLE”? Don’t worry, I get it. This abusive moron with his weapon belt equipped PEN and PAPER meant to say “I don’t know how to park”. I get it. He forgot a word. An important word though. OK, grumpy-sack, I got a few tips for you.

1) When writing a note expressing your anger with someone, make sure you write everything exactly the way you mean it. When forgetting a word, especially one like “doesn’t”, you completely change the meaning of your note. In this case, you expressed the exact opposite opinion you meant to. I am actually somebody who does know how to park, so thanks, but I can tell that’s not what your dumb ass meant.

2) If you’re going to insult me do it in a way that makes sense. Fucking Asshole implies I’m mean-spirited and then you back that up with how you think I don’t know how to do something. Those don’t go together. Perhaps you meant Fucking Dumbass? I’d try that one next time, it plays with your reasoning (or attempt at reasoning) a little better.

3) Next time check the curb before you lash out on your legal pad at a complete stranger. I was legally parked. My car did not spill past the curb and DID NOT block the driveway at all! I bet you probably had a hard time pulling out of your driveway this morning, but do you know why that is? Because you live on a narrow ass street, with a crowded ass parking situation and it’s real hard to maneuver around, EVEN WHEN EVERYONE IS PARKED LEGALLY ON THE STREET! As the situation was. You shouldn’t be mad at me because I am parked close to your driveway, legally, you should be mad at the city for making this street so narrow or for making your driveway so narrow, or be mad at your 4th grade teacher for giving up on you when you couldn’t pass the Problem Solving Section on your test. Problem - can’t pull out of narrow driveway. Reason - “Must be fault of nearby car, right?” Wrong, dickhole! Your driveway sucks and that’s unfortunate, but you’re going to have to deal with it. Leave me out of it. Moving on...let’s take a look at the next note.


Well, Miss Marker here was much more polite...but sadly still wrong wrong wrong. Now before going on, I know what some of you may be thinking. “If you got TWO notes, don’t you start to wonder if maybe the majority is correct and YOU, STEVE, are wrong?” I did. I did start to wonder. But then after realizing I had quadruple checked the night before, and after checking YET AGAIN I realized...I’m still not in the way of the MOTHERFUCKING DRIVEWAY! The earth hath not shifted, thus leaving my car inched over and blocking the driveway. My car still remains snug to the curb and no part of it’s beautiful body, juts out past the curb. And if I realized I were wrong I would have dropped it! I would not have written this post! I would have driven away in shame! But I'm not wrong! I am close to the driveway but that is all.

Yes, in a more tolerable world, driving would be easier and cars would always be miles away when we pull out of our driveways so we don’t have to worry about hitting them and pulling out could be completed in one swift turn. But in that perfect, tolerable world, these people would also live on a wider street with wider driveways. But you don’t. And I also have to go pee like 11 times a day because I have a tiny bladder. But I don’t cry and write ridiculous notes and leave them on the janitor’s car who cleans the bathroom at my work. I deal with it. Because I know this world isn’t perfect. And I know he has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY INTERNAL ORGANS! So, now here’s what you should do. You should stop sticking notes on my car! I DID pay attention to your tiny ass driveway! Hardcore! And I ain’t in front of the damn thing! Also, no. Next time I will not be towed! Because the city does not tow LEGALLY PARKED CARS! Idiot! If I really was illegally parked and blocking your driveway, you would have called to get me towed this time! You wouldn’t wait until next time! You didn’t call because you know nobody would tow me!

Upon further review, the only thing I was blocking was your walkway from the front door of your building! So, in closing, unless if you were planning on pulling a Kevin McCallister from Home Alone and sledding down the staircase and out the front door into the street, then there is no way I was blocking any “vehicles” you may use for transportation! And also, if you are planning on doing that, don’t...because it just looks dangerous. And I will continue to LEGALLY PARK because it is THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO PARK! You cannot hide behind your ugly, yellow-lined paper and threaten me! But if you choose to do so, then I will let you know this...in the words of the concerned father in the alternate present time in Back To The Future Part 2 that lives in the house that Marty lives in, in the regular present, “We ain’t gonna be terrorized!” And of course when I say “we” I mean “I”.


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