Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Douchebag For Halloween

I don't know if this guy was supposed to be a mega-douchebag for Halloween and he was fully acting the part...that could explain this whole situation. However, I don't think that's the case. Let me break it down for you. I'm at the Sony Commissary and I go over to the section that has the healthy specials as I usually do. Now, let me tell you something awesome about the healthy specials here...not only is it the healthiest and cheapest food, but in my opinion it's the best too. Maybe not everyone thinks so, but it's good food and they always have different stuff. It's revolutionary to say the least.

Now, I walk up to that section after my workout and usually the line is to the right of the section. It seems as though there are people in a line to the left of it, but there is also a guy and a lady in their forties to the right of it where the line would normally form. I couldn't tell if they were in line and talking out their orders or something, as they were having some dull sounding conversation. I definitely heard the words "finance" and "escrow". Anyway, I walk up and ask, "Are you guys in line here?" The guy looks at me and pompously responds, "I wouldn't eat that food." What the fuck? OK, I don't give a shit what food you will and will not eat. I'm asking a simple yes or no question, which you technically didn't answer. All you told me was that you wouldn't eat that food and from that I am to decipher that, no you are not in line. But I'm obviously asking because I want to get in line and don't want to cut ahead of anyone, so that's a dickhole of a response. You know I want to be in this line and get this food, so you, a complete stranger, feel the need to tell me you wouldn't eat this food

Seriously, like are you trying to make me feel stupid about choosing this food? "Well, I, a forty something douchebag with my hair parted to the side as if I never got the memo that disco died, wouldn't eat that food. Anyone who does eat that food, is below me." That's honestly what I got from his response...verbatim. This guy looks like an exec at Sony or something, dressed up all nice, stick up his ass stance, but I don't give a shit what he eats. I responded laughing, "Pfff! OK!" And walked past to get in line. Then, he seemed to get mad.

As I was in waiting in line I notice he is just staring me down. Head turned to the side, pointed directly at me, eyes piercing through me. So, I turn my whole body to face him and stare right back at him. I feel when the whole body faces someone it says a lot more. It says, "No, I do not give a fuck if you'll eat this food, I'm still going to eat it, I don't care who you are here at Sony, yes I laughed in your face." That's what I was trying to project anyway. Anyway, I won the staring contest because he eventually looked away. He retrieves his food from the line next to mine and vanishes. Now, the best part comes later. We almost run into each other in line. We're right next to each other. And we are paying at the same time. The cashier looks at my food and declares, "Five dollars." As I'm paying his cashier looks at his greasy, dripping burger and says, "Ten dollars." He exclaims, "Ten dollars?! I thought this was five!" The cashier responds, "No the healthy special is the one that's five dollars. That was the line next to you. See, what that gentleman there has is the healthy special." She is obviously pointing to me, with my giant smile plastered on my face.

But wait, the very best part. The guy opens his wallet and says, "Crap I only have five dollars on me." And at this point there is a variety of closing statements I could use to perfectly end this encounter. I'm sure some of you have already thought up some of your own. You've come up with what you would like to say in that situation. Some people think silence is golden. Some people think a fist pump would suffice. Whether I planned it or not, whether I wanted to say it or not, this was what came out. Me - "Haha!" And believe me, it felt so perfect.

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