Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Douchebag For Halloween

I don't know if this guy was supposed to be a mega-douchebag for Halloween and he was fully acting the part...that could explain this whole situation. However, I don't think that's the case. Let me break it down for you. I'm at the Sony Commissary and I go over to the section that has the healthy specials as I usually do. Now, let me tell you something awesome about the healthy specials here...not only is it the healthiest and cheapest food, but in my opinion it's the best too. Maybe not everyone thinks so, but it's good food and they always have different stuff. It's revolutionary to say the least.

Now, I walk up to that section after my workout and usually the line is to the right of the section. It seems as though there are people in a line to the left of it, but there is also a guy and a lady in their forties to the right of it where the line would normally form. I couldn't tell if they were in line and talking out their orders or something, as they were having some dull sounding conversation. I definitely heard the words "finance" and "escrow". Anyway, I walk up and ask, "Are you guys in line here?" The guy looks at me and pompously responds, "I wouldn't eat that food." What the fuck? OK, I don't give a shit what food you will and will not eat. I'm asking a simple yes or no question, which you technically didn't answer. All you told me was that you wouldn't eat that food and from that I am to decipher that, no you are not in line. But I'm obviously asking because I want to get in line and don't want to cut ahead of anyone, so that's a dickhole of a response. You know I want to be in this line and get this food, so you, a complete stranger, feel the need to tell me you wouldn't eat this food

Seriously, like are you trying to make me feel stupid about choosing this food? "Well, I, a forty something douchebag with my hair parted to the side as if I never got the memo that disco died, wouldn't eat that food. Anyone who does eat that food, is below me." That's honestly what I got from his response...verbatim. This guy looks like an exec at Sony or something, dressed up all nice, stick up his ass stance, but I don't give a shit what he eats. I responded laughing, "Pfff! OK!" And walked past to get in line. Then, he seemed to get mad.

As I was in waiting in line I notice he is just staring me down. Head turned to the side, pointed directly at me, eyes piercing through me. So, I turn my whole body to face him and stare right back at him. I feel when the whole body faces someone it says a lot more. It says, "No, I do not give a fuck if you'll eat this food, I'm still going to eat it, I don't care who you are here at Sony, yes I laughed in your face." That's what I was trying to project anyway. Anyway, I won the staring contest because he eventually looked away. He retrieves his food from the line next to mine and vanishes. Now, the best part comes later. We almost run into each other in line. We're right next to each other. And we are paying at the same time. The cashier looks at my food and declares, "Five dollars." As I'm paying his cashier looks at his greasy, dripping burger and says, "Ten dollars." He exclaims, "Ten dollars?! I thought this was five!" The cashier responds, "No the healthy special is the one that's five dollars. That was the line next to you. See, what that gentleman there has is the healthy special." She is obviously pointing to me, with my giant smile plastered on my face.

But wait, the very best part. The guy opens his wallet and says, "Crap I only have five dollars on me." And at this point there is a variety of closing statements I could use to perfectly end this encounter. I'm sure some of you have already thought up some of your own. You've come up with what you would like to say in that situation. Some people think silence is golden. Some people think a fist pump would suffice. Whether I planned it or not, whether I wanted to say it or not, this was what came out. Me - "Haha!" And believe me, it felt so perfect.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Beyond The Twilight Zone: Rocawear Edition

Some hip-looking dude smothered in Rocawear just made a contingency plan joke. Where the hell am I?! The Twilight Zone Blog just took at my blog and went, "What the fuck dude? That's fucked up." Are you serious, man? You look so cool and slightly intimidating with your confidence that circles around you mysteriously. You look like someone that if you made fun of me in front of a large group of people and they all laughed I'd just agree as well in order to avoid looking stupid. And here you are in Starbuck's making contingency plan jokes. To me. And some old guy, who apparently gets your joke.

I'll be honest, I don't know at all what a contingency plan is...but neither should anyone wearing that much Rocawear. Even the guy who wears the most Rocawear, Mr. Jay-Z himself, a smart guy, has not yet released a song starting with, "Hov! Dynasty! The Roc! Contingency Plans, ya'mean?" Because what the fuck is that song about and who would listen to it?

So, Young Steve The King just looked it up. I realize now, I've heard of contingency plans and just didn't realize this is what they were called. Instead of trying to redefine it, I'll give you the best example I know of. If a company needs to send many important employees somewhere on business and they all need to fly there, imagine if the plane that they were all on crashed. First off, that would be horrible regardless of who's on it, but the company would then be in dire straits. They would have lost many employees that are of extreme importance because of one crash. So, companies sometimes have contingency plans that make it so that if many important employees are all traveling to one given location they must take separate planes, so that in the event of a disaster, the company is not so horribly off.

OK. Here's how hip-cat used it. Setup: We were at Starbuck's and there was a long line. Roca-Face - "Man, when I see long lines like that know what words come to my mind? Contingency Plan."

I don't know, maybe I'm an idiot, but I still don't get it. Not that it always has to apply to flying...but how does it apply here? Also, even if he did use it correctly and cleverly and I'm the idiot in this story thus far, he then commented on my sugar intake. Mind your own business, dude! So, he still sucks. Wrapping closing...I hate that guy.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Parking Wars: Steve VS. The Idiots

My name is Stephen Avitabile and I am only human. I make mistakes. I hate admitting when I make a mistake or am wrong but for the sake of the greater good and for battles I must win, I will admit some instances that I have been wrong in the past. This is going to be incredibly hard for me. (Deep we go.)

- One time I bet my friend $20 that a straight beats a flush in poker. I was so sure I was right. Then we looked it up and it turns out I was wrong. Out twenty and embarrassed in front of all my friends. I didn’t argue it any further, I knew I was wrong. So yeah, that sucked.

- One time I argued for about 5 minutes with someone that both Water type and Ice type are super effective on Fire type in Pokemon. If you knew anything about Pokemon you’d know how ridiculous that accusation is that I’m making, of course Ice is not very effective on Fire. And if you don’t know anything about Pokemon you’d still think it’s ridiculous I argued that long about Pokemon. But again, I was wrong. And once I realized it, I dropped it.

- Another time I insisted the capital of North Carolina was Charlotte when obviously, obviously, it’s Raleigh. Again, when proved wrong, I did not insist further.

I brought up these three horrible, demeaning, gut-wrenching experiences of mine to let you all know...I know I’m not always right. I’m wrong often enough. And when I realize it, I drop it! That is important to know, because when I am right, I will not let it go! As annoying of a quality some people may think that is, I think it’s necessary some people in the world possess this quality. If no one ever insisted slavery was wrong, the world was not flat, women should have equal rights...if no one ever pushed for these important subjects even knowing they were right in their views, how would we have ever made any progress? We wouldn’t. We need people to be persistent when they are right. When I am right, I will not stand “corrected” because there is nothing to correct!

Now, here’s the rundown. I live in LA. Parking is shitty in about 85% of the places you’re going to try to park. You just deal with it. Some places are shittier than others. My friend lives in one of those neighborhoods. Way too many driveways, too many fire hydrants and other reasons for “Red Curb”, and too many people needing to park in these neighborhoods. I am always careful when finding a spot anywhere, especially in this neighborhood! I’ve gotten enough parking tickets, I don’t want anymore of those mother fuckers! I also wish to never be towed because I’m pretty close to broke and can’t afford some nonsense like that. And I am a courteous driver and parker, so I always make sure that if I park car fits in that spot. In this particular instance I parked behind a car against a gray curb. There was just enough room for my car to fit, I even got out and checked to make sure I wasn’t poking out blocking the driveway behind me and moved my car up as much as I possibly could. After getting out and checking, moving up more, double checking, moving up a tiny bit more and triple checking AND QUADRUPLE CHECKING, I decided I was good. My car did not block the driveway behind it. It was just at the edge of the curb, so yeah I was close to the driveway, but I was not blocking it. I was legally parked. Fast forward to the next morning because I stayed at my friend’s house. I walk to my car and find TWO SEPARATE NOTES on it. Here’s one.

Thank you for complimenting me on my ability to “KNOW HOW TO PARK” but why am I a “FUCKING ASSHOLE”? Don’t worry, I get it. This abusive moron with his weapon belt equipped PEN and PAPER meant to say “I don’t know how to park”. I get it. He forgot a word. An important word though. OK, grumpy-sack, I got a few tips for you.

1) When writing a note expressing your anger with someone, make sure you write everything exactly the way you mean it. When forgetting a word, especially one like “doesn’t”, you completely change the meaning of your note. In this case, you expressed the exact opposite opinion you meant to. I am actually somebody who does know how to park, so thanks, but I can tell that’s not what your dumb ass meant.

2) If you’re going to insult me do it in a way that makes sense. Fucking Asshole implies I’m mean-spirited and then you back that up with how you think I don’t know how to do something. Those don’t go together. Perhaps you meant Fucking Dumbass? I’d try that one next time, it plays with your reasoning (or attempt at reasoning) a little better.

3) Next time check the curb before you lash out on your legal pad at a complete stranger. I was legally parked. My car did not spill past the curb and DID NOT block the driveway at all! I bet you probably had a hard time pulling out of your driveway this morning, but do you know why that is? Because you live on a narrow ass street, with a crowded ass parking situation and it’s real hard to maneuver around, EVEN WHEN EVERYONE IS PARKED LEGALLY ON THE STREET! As the situation was. You shouldn’t be mad at me because I am parked close to your driveway, legally, you should be mad at the city for making this street so narrow or for making your driveway so narrow, or be mad at your 4th grade teacher for giving up on you when you couldn’t pass the Problem Solving Section on your test. Problem - can’t pull out of narrow driveway. Reason - “Must be fault of nearby car, right?” Wrong, dickhole! Your driveway sucks and that’s unfortunate, but you’re going to have to deal with it. Leave me out of it. Moving on...let’s take a look at the next note.

Well, Miss Marker here was much more polite...but sadly still wrong wrong wrong. Now before going on, I know what some of you may be thinking. “If you got TWO notes, don’t you start to wonder if maybe the majority is correct and YOU, STEVE, are wrong?” I did. I did start to wonder. But then after realizing I had quadruple checked the night before, and after checking YET AGAIN I realized...I’m still not in the way of the MOTHERFUCKING DRIVEWAY! The earth hath not shifted, thus leaving my car inched over and blocking the driveway. My car still remains snug to the curb and no part of it’s beautiful body, juts out past the curb. And if I realized I were wrong I would have dropped it! I would not have written this post! I would have driven away in shame! But I'm not wrong! I am close to the driveway but that is all.

Yes, in a more tolerable world, driving would be easier and cars would always be miles away when we pull out of our driveways so we don’t have to worry about hitting them and pulling out could be completed in one swift turn. But in that perfect, tolerable world, these people would also live on a wider street with wider driveways. But you don’t. And I also have to go pee like 11 times a day because I have a tiny bladder. But I don’t cry and write ridiculous notes and leave them on the janitor’s car who cleans the bathroom at my work. I deal with it. Because I know this world isn’t perfect. And I know he has NOTHING TO DO WITH MY INTERNAL ORGANS! So, now here’s what you should do. You should stop sticking notes on my car! I DID pay attention to your tiny ass driveway! Hardcore! And I ain’t in front of the damn thing! Also, no. Next time I will not be towed! Because the city does not tow LEGALLY PARKED CARS! Idiot! If I really was illegally parked and blocking your driveway, you would have called to get me towed this time! You wouldn’t wait until next time! You didn’t call because you know nobody would tow me!

Upon further review, the only thing I was blocking was your walkway from the front door of your building! So, in closing, unless if you were planning on pulling a Kevin McCallister from Home Alone and sledding down the staircase and out the front door into the street, then there is no way I was blocking any “vehicles” you may use for transportation! And also, if you are planning on doing that, don’t...because it just looks dangerous. And I will continue to LEGALLY PARK because it is THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW TO PARK! You cannot hide behind your ugly, yellow-lined paper and threaten me! But if you choose to do so, then I will let you know the words of the concerned father in the alternate present time in Back To The Future Part 2 that lives in the house that Marty lives in, in the regular present, “We ain’t gonna be terrorized!” And of course when I say “we” I mean “I”.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Gotta Get Back In Time!

I'm sure if I went to the future with Doc Brown I'd see I made plenty of decent choices. My life would have turned out well and I'd have no regrets. Doc would warn me not to go to the past and make any changes as it would effect the future and could throw things off more than I could understand. And I'd agree. I wouldn't change anything major.

But if I had some shit-ass children I'd go back in time and warn the past me that heavy Mountain Dew consumption enhances boner strength and makes you more likely to be rich. Then past me would drink it way more, kill my sperm count and I'd never have to worry about lousy children being created.

But if the kids were amazing and musically inclined I'd alert past me to write some more sheet music for the possible family band. Because now it's a reality that WILL HAPPEN. Just gotta make sure we're more ready than the Jackson 5 when that time arrives. Oh and I'd also warn myself about the Puke Seat Incident on that Southwest flight in October of 2012. Just take the first window seat you find. Don't worry about how the surrounding passengers look. As annoying as they appear to potentially be...can't be worse than day old puke.