Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Come Get Your Haircut At "Tits, Snips And Singleback Trips!"

The most awkward part about getting your haircut is not knowing where to look. For the most part you’re facing a giant mirror. You don’t want to appear so vain as to make the hairdresser think this haircut is about you, don’t you? Right Carly Simon? I’m not gonna spend the whole time checking out my chiseled self while she services my head. I can only spend 5 minutes total looking at my reflection just to make sure she ain’t fucking shit up like adding Miracle Grow to my scalp. So, what do I do? Where do I look? I can’t look at her/gay him. I’ll appear to be a perv/gay-guy-hornball. This is a problem almost everyone deals with (minus the sightless and the bald) and I have finally come up with the solution.

A new establishment needs to be created. So far, I have only catered this establishment to men. If enough women complain about their situation I can alter the blueprints. Currently, it goes like this. You walk into this place to get your haircut and as you are walking to the station you will be sitting at you notice lots of TV’s everywhere playing football and lots of naked women dancing to shitty music you wouldn’t ever listen to if there weren’t naked women dancing to it! That’s right! A hair salon/strip club/sports bar! No more feeling awkward because you don’t know where to look. Now - feel awkward because you are looking exactly where you should be looking and you are pitching a tent in your little hair cape. No worries, your hands are still underneath it and cannot be seen just as always. No one knows what you’re doing with them down there.


So, while the hairdresser cuts your hairs you get to watch these strippers do their thing (only during commercials, time outs, challenges and booth reviews) and then catch some sweet football action the rest of the time! How perfectly coordinated! I realize this will only work during football season so during the months of February to August the TV’s will be used for interactive, sound-activated poker games with fake money, which I’m assuming exist. How do you like that?

What do you say? Who wants to come down to my new establishment, Tits, Snips And Singleback Trips? We only charge a $20 cover. Our stylists charge the regular rate for the services and you only have to tip the girls you were looking at on the way out. We do have camera to monitor your eyeline so we know which ones you were indeed looking at and for how long. You obviously tip more to the ones you oggled more. The one that kept dancing during 3rd and Inches plays...yeah don’t worry about giving her anything, we’re aware of what’s happening there and we’re onto it.

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