Tuesday, August 28, 2012

No Reason Boners

Just wanted to touch on a very important topic momentarily. Lots of you are aware of these already, many are not. No Reason Boners. Everyone knows about the Contact Boner. A boner received through contact to the boner and/or it's surrounding region (and in some cases odd other pressure points like the ears, neck and back of the knee). Another obvious one is the Cerebral Boner. This is a boner caused just by images entering the cerebrum. Could be something you see or think of or a smell that reminds you of a hot lady and her big boobs.

But let's not talk about those. Everyone knows those ones happen all the time. Instead let's talk about No Reason Boners. These boners are exactly what they sound like, they happen for no reason, and they account for the rest of the boners popped by adult men on the planet earth. And they account for most boners as well. They say the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds or whatever the hell it is. They don't say for how long though. And that fact, which is possibly not even accurate, is not telling of how often a man gets a boner throughout the day. I don't know how many boners are popped on average by men per day, but I will draw from my own experiences. And I urge you to all do the same.

Most mornings, what does a man wake up with? Morning Wood. This falls under the category of Cerebral Boner. You were asleep, you didn't realize it but you were having sexy dreams. Images rushed to your brain. This happens to me most mornings. There's 1. Later I drive to work, maybe I get out of my car and realize I have another one. Nothing about the drive in is a turn on and I generally am not touched in the boner region in my car...not since that one incident, so that falls under the category of a No Reason Boner. There's 2. At my job I watch TV and movies all day. Maybe Wild Things is in need of a watch (oh what a laborous job) and maybe I'm the one who has to watch it. Boner. You know which scene. It has champagne - good. Neve Campbell - good. Denise Richards - great! The only part that's "ehhhh" is Matt Dillon and...whatever I can deal with him being there. He seems like a cool dude. There's another Cerebral Boner. 3. Now throughout the rest of the day there's probably a few more instances of No Reason Boners. Washing my hands. #NoReasonBoner. Microwaving lunch. #NoReasonBoner. Sending an email. #NoReasonBoner. 4, 5, 6. They just happen whenever they damn well please. Maybe I see a hot girl before I leave work and that puts my cerebrum into over drive and most likely I get another one for no reason while I'm eating my dinner. 7 & 8. This is approximately, my average day. In terms of weinal activity. And if it happens to be a special point in my life when I have a lady to go home to...finally! Contact Boner! The best kind. Because it's like when a dog wags it's tail after being pet opposed to...for no good reason at all! Possibly 9.

So, 8 most probably, and perhaps 9. 9 a day. 1 of which was a Contact Boner and 3 of which were Cerebral Boners. That's 4. Which leaves us with 5 out of 9 being for nothing sexy at all! How crazy is that?! Now, maybe your numbers are not the same as mine, but mine come to over 50% are for nothing. I urge you to count your own. Try to pay attention to them. Notice when you have one and why, if any reason you can tell, you have one. Some people get more Contact Boners. Some of those are self contact. That's fine, they count. But count them up. And a fun way to do this, a fun game to play, if you have a Twitter, do what I was just doing. Hashtag it. Tweet what you were doing and why you got a boner, just do it all throughout the day. "Watching Titanic, and not even that part. #NoReasonBoner" I'll be doing it, it's lots of fun, and it's a great way to share with the world your personal information that you yourself don't even understand! Maybe strangers who "follow" you will be able to tell you why they think you have an erection at that current moment. It's fun and insightful and I'd like you all to join me. What do you say?

What? You need a reason? How about NO REASON! Boner!

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