Thursday, August 2, 2012

How Soon Is Too Soon To Spoil A Movie?

When is too early to talk about a movie? I know many people run into this scenario. You want to talk about a great movie you just saw, but you don’t want to ruin it for others. Sometimes you just saw it in theaters and you realize you have to give everyone a chance to see it before spoiling anything. Sometimes it’s a movie that’s been around for awhile but you’re still not sure when is “too soon”. SPOILER ALERT - something that turns people in another direction faster than a red road on SigAlert. No one wants to be the one who spoiled a movie for another. That’s -50 points on your Go To Heaven Card and +50 on you know which other card.

But when is too soon to discuss important plot points or endings or twists of a movie? Don’t you wish there were some sort of guideline? Once a movie has been out this long, if you haven’t seen it, it’s your own damn fault if it gets ruined for you. Or maybe a guide to how bad an offense it is if you ruin a movie for someone regarding how long it’s been out. A guideline we may then use if someone ruins a movie for us...we know how long we can keep them on our shit list. Lucky for you, I have created such things. I have a graph that should explain a lot, but first, take a look at the Legend below so you may understand the colors and their meanings. Each color represents the reaction you are allowed to have if someone ruins a movie for you.


Now, that you have taken a look at the colors, let’s see them put to use. Below is a graph. Yes, it was made in a highly professional program. The inner most circle represents the year a movie debuts. Each ring after the first circle represents another year. So, the first ring after the circle is the year after a movie’s debut year. And the next ring, the next year, and so on. Take a look.


The first thing you’ll notice is it’s very pretty. But then once you get past that you can get to the nitty-gritty (two words that rhyme only because one was made up in order to rhyme with the other that actually has a meaning). This is pretty straight forward, each year that passes, the degree of a movie being ruined for you is lessened. If a movie has been out for longer than 5 years...then you’re shit outta luck. You’re not allowed to get mad at anyone who ruins this movie for you. Better hole up in your house and Netflix that sucker before someone tells you he was dead the whole time and you end up having to bottle up your anger because you’re not allowed to unleash it and you develop an ulcer because of it. But anywhere within the 5 year range, it’s pretty damn Not-Cool for someone to ruin a movie for you. Other people reading this, I hope we can agree on this and do our best to not spoil anything still in it’s 5 year window. Though we know in Year 5 we will only be suffering charges of a Kinda Messed Up, Man - that should still not be taken lightly.

Now, does this apply to all movies? My theory is, yes. However, though most people tend to generally practice these rules, I noticed everyone seemingly having trouble with them for The Dark Knight Rises. Don’t worry! If you still haven’t seen it, nothing is ruined here! You’re safe on this site! But you may not be safe for long. I noticed the window is much smaller with this movie. There have been so many talks and such great speculation of how this movie would turn out for months leading up to it, that everyone collectively and silently decided the rules differed here. I created another fabulous chart, with the same colors and the same timespan. Each ring still represents the next year, only this chart only applies to The Dark Knight Rises. Check it out.

As you can see you clearly have much less time with this one. You’re not even allotted one full year after to see the movie. Fuck, if you haven’t seen it at this point and it still hasn’t been spoiled for you, tell me how you keep this rock you live under so clean (I am in need of a good rock guy). Anyway, with all other movies I believe we should stick with the first chart. I think it’s fair, it urges people to see movies a little faster, and it puts us all on the same page. That is about all I have for you today, I would just like to inform you of one last thing. 2012 only has 5 months left. Which means all the gems of 2007 are getting close to being fair game of the Spoiler Brigade. You better Netflix the fuck up! I Am Legend. The Simpsons Movie. 300. Zodiac. Superbad. Gone Baby Gone. No Country For Old Men. Daddy Day Camp. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking...and yes, sequels count too. And you don’t want that one ruined for you. The explanation of switching from Eddie Murphy to Cuba Gooding Jr. from one movie to the other shown through artistic imagery is just something you’ll never experience anywhere else. So, know when your 5 years is up. And watch wisely!

No comments:

Post a Comment