Thursday, August 30, 2012

Do Over: On My Sunday Night

Some people who read my blog may have a good idea of what I'm like through either knowing me personally or through reading my posts. The rest don't have a great idea. I have a story from a recent night which I feel sums me up pretty damn well. It takes place at an event called Do Over. I don't know how to describe it other than a big drunken mess with lots of dancing and mash up music. I went with friends to celebrate one of their birthdays.

The first event that took place, worth noting, we were dancing. Of course! We're at a place where they serve over-priced drinks and hip-hop music is playing...of course all the fools there will be dancing. You can tell I'm obviously a BIG FAN of dancing and drinking in public. Quite the opposite, unless I'm drunk enough. But I'm the designated driver so I can't get too drunk...and am making the best of the situation. I'm not so against this that I can't have a good time. I'm with my friends and we're laughing and what not. And I'm feeling a little tipsy, so I bust out the stupid dance moves. The ones that aren't true dance moves but rather body movements to music paired with a mouth trying to sing the lyrics simultaneously. That's how I dance. Anyway, everyone is walking past, it's crowded as hell so many people are bumping our shoulders. We participate in some people watching, so we take notice of the patrons on their way by and make comments when there are good comments to make. Then, as a bouncer strolls by with his flashlight out, scanning the floor for broken glass and what not, I take notice. This guy is huge, as all bouncers are. I'm not saying he's bigger than most, he's just as big as you'd imagine. He seems to be...not a firm believer in keeping the flashlight in one general area. He goes with the...move it real fast everywhere approach. I don't think it works as it does not concentrate light on a specified area for long enough, the eyes don't have enough time to register what the light is being shone on. But what do I know? I'm not a bouncer, I haven't been trained on the art of using a flashlight. So, he strolls by, flashing the thing every which way, and it looks like a strobe light. So, I decide to yell out "Strobe Light!" as he walks by. Everyone I'm with laughs, but as it is super duper loud in this place, he doesn't hear me but sees me talking about him and everyone laugh. So, he asks what I said, clearly pissed. I have to repeat myself three times before he hears me and even when he hears me, he does not seem any happier. He stares me down as he nods, finally understanding my lame joke.

Great job Steve. Creating an awkward situation where it seems as if you are antagonizing the very large bouncer. Luckily, I wasn't struck or thrown out. But not too much later, as we are still dancing, another situation arises. Some guy is dancing directly behind me. I don't know who he is and he is facing away from me and towards his own group of people. He's clearly wasted and drinking a Corona. Again, the place being so loud, is a curse. I see him quickly jolt forward, facing his head down towards the ground. Immediately after I feel liquid splash onto my ankles from behind. It has clearly come from him. Did he just puke? Or did he spit his beer out? How do I decide to check? I wipe my ankle off a little and smell my fingers. Yeah, I was a little drunk at this point. I can't quite smell as it mainly smells like alcohol. A friend looks at me and asks me what I'm doing. I explain the situation to her and as she looks behind me at the puddle on the floor her facial expression changes to horrified. "There's chunks in that puddle," she says, mortified. Well, if anything could sober you up faster than that situation or 10 hours passing let me know, because that method is pretty fucking awesome and quick!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

No Reason Boners

Just wanted to touch on a very important topic momentarily. Lots of you are aware of these already, many are not. No Reason Boners. Everyone knows about the Contact Boner. A boner received through contact to the boner and/or it's surrounding region (and in some cases odd other pressure points like the ears, neck and back of the knee). Another obvious one is the Cerebral Boner. This is a boner caused just by images entering the cerebrum. Could be something you see or think of or a smell that reminds you of a hot lady and her big boobs.

But let's not talk about those. Everyone knows those ones happen all the time. Instead let's talk about No Reason Boners. These boners are exactly what they sound like, they happen for no reason, and they account for the rest of the boners popped by adult men on the planet earth. And they account for most boners as well. They say the average man thinks about sex every 6 seconds or whatever the hell it is. They don't say for how long though. And that fact, which is possibly not even accurate, is not telling of how often a man gets a boner throughout the day. I don't know how many boners are popped on average by men per day, but I will draw from my own experiences. And I urge you to all do the same.

Most mornings, what does a man wake up with? Morning Wood. This falls under the category of Cerebral Boner. You were asleep, you didn't realize it but you were having sexy dreams. Images rushed to your brain. This happens to me most mornings. There's 1. Later I drive to work, maybe I get out of my car and realize I have another one. Nothing about the drive in is a turn on and I generally am not touched in the boner region in my car...not since that one incident, so that falls under the category of a No Reason Boner. There's 2. At my job I watch TV and movies all day. Maybe Wild Things is in need of a watch (oh what a laborous job) and maybe I'm the one who has to watch it. Boner. You know which scene. It has champagne - good. Neve Campbell - good. Denise Richards - great! The only part that's "ehhhh" is Matt Dillon and...whatever I can deal with him being there. He seems like a cool dude. There's another Cerebral Boner. 3. Now throughout the rest of the day there's probably a few more instances of No Reason Boners. Washing my hands. #NoReasonBoner. Microwaving lunch. #NoReasonBoner. Sending an email. #NoReasonBoner. 4, 5, 6. They just happen whenever they damn well please. Maybe I see a hot girl before I leave work and that puts my cerebrum into over drive and most likely I get another one for no reason while I'm eating my dinner. 7 & 8. This is approximately, my average day. In terms of weinal activity. And if it happens to be a special point in my life when I have a lady to go home to...finally! Contact Boner! The best kind. Because it's like when a dog wags it's tail after being pet opposed to...for no good reason at all! Possibly 9.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Poor Leonardo Nam

Poor Leonardo Nam. You most likely read that first sentence and go, "Who?" I would have too if someone mentioned this guy's name to me yesterday. Leonardo Nam is an actor, and he's appeared in several movies and TV shows you've probably seen. He's Just Not That Into You, Vantage Point, The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 1 & 2 (it's OK if you haven't seen those or have blocked them from your memory and everyone who has anything to do with them), The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift, CSI, and Franklin & Bash to name a few. So, why don't you know him?

Well, for one I'm pretty certain he wasn't the main character in any of those movies or TV shows. Secondly, say you did like this guy's performance in something, and waited for the credits and got his name and looked him up on IMDB, you know what happens? You start typing Leonardo and before you get to Nam you know what shows up first? Leonardo (Fucking) DiCaprio. And what happens when you see that guy's name? Exactly what should happen, you decide to click on that instead of doing whatever it is you had previously intended on doing. What's Leo up to now? Doesn't he have like 3 movies coming out? Did he really do The Departed and Blood Diamond the same year? He's so amazing. What was his character's name in the kick ass movie of Inception? What was I doing before? I don't know but now I'm laughing because I've rediscovered that Leo was on Growing Pains and Roseanne and I'm having a grand time!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Rihanna Drive By

Intro: I like a lot of Rihanna's music. I just want you to know that. It's catchy...but they overplay it on the radio sometimes, like they do with everything.

Yet, whenever a Rihanna song comes on, on the radio, I leave it on. On the off chance that she happens to be driving by me, both of our windows down, I don't want to be switching away from her song. I want it to be on and for me to be fully rocking out to I do.

And then she'll see me and say, "Oh, do you like my music?" And I'll be like, "Whoa! Rihanna! That's crazy to see I was listening to your awesome music! Yes, I like it! I get dance fever when it comes on!" And she'll blush a little (I know, you wouldn't think I could make Rihanna blush) and she'll say something to the effect of how it's still flattering to this day to see her fans enjoying her music. And I'll have a witty response that's so good I can't write it down here because I don't want anyone to steal it from me. Also, I don't know what it will be yet. Then, you know what happens next?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

How Soon Is Too Soon To Spoil A Movie?

When is too early to talk about a movie? I know many people run into this scenario. You want to talk about a great movie you just saw, but you don’t want to ruin it for others. Sometimes you just saw it in theaters and you realize you have to give everyone a chance to see it before spoiling anything. Sometimes it’s a movie that’s been around for awhile but you’re still not sure when is “too soon”. SPOILER ALERT - something that turns people in another direction faster than a red road on SigAlert. No one wants to be the one who spoiled a movie for another. That’s -50 points on your Go To Heaven Card and +50 on you know which other card.

But when is too soon to discuss important plot points or endings or twists of a movie? Don’t you wish there were some sort of guideline? Once a movie has been out this long, if you haven’t seen it, it’s your own damn fault if it gets ruined for you. Or maybe a guide to how bad an offense it is if you ruin a movie for someone regarding how long it’s been out. A guideline we may then use if someone ruins a movie for us...we know how long we can keep them on our shit list. Lucky for you, I have created such things. I have a graph that should explain a lot, but first, take a look at the Legend below so you may understand the colors and their meanings. Each color represents the reaction you are allowed to have if someone ruins a movie for you.

Now, that you have taken a look at the colors, let’s see them put to use. Below is a graph. Yes, it was made in a highly professional program. The inner most circle represents the year a movie debuts. Each ring after the first circle represents another year. So, the first ring after the circle is the year after a movie’s debut year. And the next ring, the next year, and so on. Take a look.