Tuesday, July 3, 2012

This Is How My Mind Works

Setting: Euro-Cup-Watching At A Bar In Hollywood

The People: Some Real Mother Fuckers
(And some cool people here and there)

Some friends and I drive to this bar, Dillon's, to watch the Euro Cup with some other friends. They're already there at the corner of the bar in their stools. They warn us ahead of time that there are no free stools and no free tables. Also, we can put our names on the waiting list for a table or just stand by them and watch the game. We take our standing spots by them, mingle, order beer (before having eaten anything...true Euro Style) and start watching the game. At one point I decide, I should put my name on the list, just in case one of the tables behind us opens up. So, I stroll over to the host stand. And by stroll I mean I side step through the large crowd of drunken futbol fans who won't move for anyone. I barely make it alive to the host stand and just as I get up there the host walks off to take care of something. I understand it's busy so I wait patiently. I'm the only one directly in front of the host stand. I'm actually touching it! Not in a weird way, it's not like I'm caressing it, I'm leaning on it. But I'm the only one touching it! Other people are around in the area but no one else is touching that host stand. No one's even eying it up! The host returns, busy with something. I am still quite the patient man and wait for her to acknowledge me before ask to put my name on the list. Some lady sees the host, or hostess (equal rights apply here?) and barges up to the host stand. She started from a good fifteen feet away. The host-person isn't even looking up and this girl starts with, "Excuse me! How long for a wait?"

This is how my mind works. First thought - "Bitch! The wait is whatever the host quotes you on plus the time it takes me to ask her first because I was standing here before you!" Yeah, say that Steve. Ah wait no. Don't call her bitch. Shit, now the host is responding to her. 45 minutes. This lady looks upset by that response. Oh good maybe she'll walk away and I won't have to deal with any confrontation. Oh no she's turned back around and asked if she could put her name on the list. Quick, tell her you were here first. Wait, should I have to tell her? I've been standing here for a minute. Great, now the host is writing her name down. Fucking Carol. And you're just standing here staring at her. Yeah, that's good enough! Keep staring at her. She'll get the message. Yeah, walk away without ever looking at me! I bet you're ashamed! Or never even noticed me and I just didn't speak up. Oh now the host is talking to me. Better give her my name.

Good job. Missed an opportunity. But about 45 minutes later, as I have returned to my friends and am watching the game still standing up, the very sweet old couple at the table behind us tells us they are finishing up and we can have their table. Great! Let me see if I'm anywhere near next on the list. Maybe I can take this table. Side step my way back to the host stand and as luck would have it I was next on the list! Perfection! The host walks me back over to the table, the old couple gets up, leaves, and the host starts to put down menus and silverware for me and my friends. Then, some random dude approaches from somewhere behind me. Honestly, probably started off at least fifteen feet away from the scene as well. I don't know if people think that is a proper distance from anything...but it is not! Unless you shooting free throws bud! He says, "Oh, I was waiting for that table."


This is how my mind works. First thought - "Everyone's waiting for this table, idiot! It's right in front of all the TV's it's one of the best tables. No shit!" Yeah tell him that! Well, maybe don't pick a fight, tell him but nicer. I say, "Well, we had our names on the list and we were next." Um...good enough. He returns with, "Yeah but I've been waiting over here for awhile." Meanwhile the host abandons me. "Well, the host just sat us and we had our names on the list. Is your name on the list?" Whoa Steve! Where you going with this? What if his name IS on the list? That's a horrible argument. Stick with the fact that you're next. Luckily, he says, "No, but I've been waiting for a table." OK, this guy is a chump and is not fucking listening! Tell him he can't just wait for anything to open up. Tell him he's gotta put his name on the list for a table like everyone else is doing if he truly wants one! Tell him the rules, Steve! Break some knowledge up off his stupid head! Or, "I don't know man. She just sat us." You don't know?! Sure you know! Then, this is the worst part. He responds with, "You know what? It's OK. I'll let you have the table." You'll let me have the table?! No way! This is my table! You can't let me have my own table, I already have it! This guy needs to be put in his place. This guy needs to know that he has to follow the same rules everyone else does and needs to know he's not letting me have a table, but that I'm getting MY table and he still has to stand because HIS NAME AIN'T ON SHIT! As he walks away I say, "Well, we were next on the list so...I mean if your name were on the list..." Yeah, that's telling the back of his head. Maybe I should have really told him what was up, but at least I got the table. But seriously, I haven't been more serious in all of 2012, Fuck that guy! Fucking swooper. Trying to swoop in and steal my shit, without putting your name on anything.

Woo! What a day! I got all worked up over some bar shit. I get home. I've been relaxing all day now just on the computer and watching TV. Looking at lots of screens. At this point I have consumed only 3 giant beers, fish and chips, ice cream, humongous coffee...and that's it. Probably no water. And it is 8 P.M. I start to get a huge headache. It develops into a migraine and my eyes start to ache.

This is how my mind works. First thought - "You're getting a migraine because you've barely eaten and only drank coffee and beer which has dehydrated you a ton! You need water and healthy food and need to relax your brain and eyes and just take it easy, stat!" What do I do? Order Chinese Food, continue looking at the TV screen and my computer screen and throw my Smart Phone screen into the mix. Easy on the eyes. Then instead of relaxing my brain I spend a half an hour trying to figure out how they get the fortunes into the cookies. Do they slip them in after they've been made? Is the paper inside the cookie as it's being baked? Wouldn't the paper light on fire? Or burn? How does the paper get in there? How does anything get inside anything? It's like trying to figure out how the universe created itself. Or did something else create the universe? How did it create the universe if it had to exist in the universe itself before it even existed for it to exist in it?

Around this point I fainted and my brain rebooted itself in the morning. Did a force shut down. Lost some basic commands and functions but it's OK. I'll relearn to tie my shoes. It's like riding a...nope forgot that too...

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