Thursday, July 19, 2012

Most Countries Are Boys

I think that most countries are boys. Except for Hungary. Hungary is definitely a thin, female swimsuit model. Starving herself to impress the other Eastern European countries. Turkey isn't impressed. Turkey is the world's defending Hot Dog Eating Contest Champion. 4 years running. Ironically he hates turkey dogs. Go figure. Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania are all impressed by Hungary though. No one can tell those 3 apart. They're always together and always share the same opinion. Mini Russias basically. They all sound similar enough. They're like Huey, Louie and Dewey, all looking up to Uncle Scrooge. Who knows where their irresponsible parents have run off to, leaving them with their overly tight wad (seemingly Jewish) uncle. Sure, he'll teach them how to behave in society. Or, he won't know how to handle the new burden of three children he has had nothing to do with raising thus far, crumble under pressure, and resort to being Fun Uncle Scrooge who lets the 8 year olds drink alcohol with breakfast.

Egypt is unsure as to what circle he should be running in. He's kind of going through a life crisis right now. Finding himself. He heard most people go to Africa to do that. He's been trying to sneak in from the Middle East for awhile now. Everyone says he's in Africa, he doesn't quite feel like it though. Come on, look at him. He's so out of place on that top right chunk. Israel is a lawyer. What did you expect? He knows some good jokes though. Iran is a track and field star, a little too heavy on the bragging side if you ask me though. Iraq is actually a girl too. Huge tits.

The best way to describe China would be to first ask if you ever watched the original Power Rangers TV show. China is Bulk of Bulk and Skull. A bumbling idiot of an antagonist who tries to mess with the good guys but can never quite pull it off. Mongolia is Skull. The other idiot. India is pretending he lives in Michigan doing technical support over the phone. We know where he really does his technical support. Nepal is the outdoorsy type. Attracts all the women with his ruggedness, his hatred for the modernizations that are turning everyone into lazy balls of meat and his cool, confident way of carrying himself. However, he is quite sexist and loses the women when he demands they make him a larb sandwich.


Australia is a farmer and hates faux hawks. He complains about them all day and most times spends too much time on the topic and lets his crops die. New Zealand is a much better farmer but is completely underrated. His prices are a little bit steeper and the employees on the farm are a tad pretentious but it's totally worth it if you want quality crops. I mean, can you really put a price on perfect food? If you're willing to spend a little more at Trader Joe's then you're the type of person who is willing to shill out some extra dough for New Zealand's fresh rhubarbs. Absolutely......to die for.

Argentina and Chile like to party all night. Brazil doesn't understand what all the hub-bub is about. Enjoying a fine wine and a good book is a solid night for him. Ecuador thinks he's the center of the universe...or at least the world. Mexico and Canada aren't on speaking terms ever since the Monopoly incident. Everyone wishes they'd get over it, it's just a silly board game. The United States is kind of like the father of the whole group. He tries to keep everyone in order but can't keep all his entities intact. Alaska join me! Hawaii get your ass over here! My other entities, are you a part of me or just when it comes to be voting time?! Oh he's got a handful.

Greenland is a stoner. France is an amazing chef who's looking for his big break. Uganda dances. Somalia juggles. Chad's a good guy that works in my office. And Italy is trying so hard to become this amazing sculpture that he knows he can be but his father keeps pushing him to do something practical like play soccer, or be a shoe designer, or anything with his boot! Oh and this whole time Hungary still hasn't eaten anything. Sexy!

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