Monday, July 30, 2012

How To Deal With A Melvin

There are some problems some men face that women might not know much about. I'm here to help enlighten if I can. I wear boxer briefs, as I know many men do. I like them best out of all the underwear choices available to me. But they do have one draw back. They can create Front-Wedgies, or Melvins, quite often. Especially certain pairs. The Melvin is usually a bunching up of both legs, and they get much too close to the pelvic area. For women this is not much of a problem I assume because they're used to this feeling with most of their underwear. Plus, they don't have as much...luggage...that is in need of breathing room. When a man gets a wedgie in the front, it's a quite uncomfortable feeling.

I'm sure all the guys out there who have experienced this have come up with their own ways of fixing the problem. I'd like to explain a few of mine. Remember, this isn't like picking a wedgie in the back, you can't just grab it by it's haunches and yank the thing out. This in the front, there are valuable pieces in the area and it requires some finesse and a touch of delicacy.

The Fingertip Slide - This is the first method. To start this off you put your hands in your pockets. You then run your fingertips up your own thighs as if you're trying to turn yourself on. You slide them underneath the legs of your underwear, all the while rubbing the pockets against your actual thigh skin. Once you have cleared the legs of the underwear you can back pedal with your fingers, catching the backs of your fingers, where the fingernails are, onto the legs. You hook them with the fingers and pull them back down to the appropriate area. This can be done inconspicuously as it would just appear as if you are putting your hands in your pockets. Best performed in crowds though, if out in the open it will be too obvious there is more going on inside your pockets. Your hands ruffling around will be noticed and it will look like you are playing pocket pool.

The Inner Thigh Stretch - This is the second method I created. Sometimes, if you catch the Melvin early enough in it's process, you can use this method. This involves no hands and a skilled lunge-er. You stretch your inner thighs, in a lunging motion, forwards, to either side, however you want. It will appear as if you are stretching and no one will be the wiser. I like to lean left until I feel the leg of my underwear break free from my skin and fall back into place, then lean right and repeat. However, this move can only be done in the early stages of Melvins and also is not available for use in tight spaces. You need a large area to perform this in. Which brings me to my final method.

The Clear Tug - This is the riskiest method but the most effective. You'd assume it would be the first one I ever created because it's so obvious, but I was so intent on trying to keep it stealth. This method requires you to literally grab your pants and get hold of your underwear legs underneath as well and just tug them back into position. This all goes on in clear daylight so you better perform it when no one is around because it looks like you are pulling on your junk from two directions. I do use this one whenever I am alone because it is most effective, as I said, and it also has the longest lasting residual effects whereas methods 1 and 2 don't last as long before another treatment is required.

And here's where I made a mistake, the other day waiting for a walk signal to cross the street, in a seemingly empty setting. I'm waiting for the lights to change and for the crosswalk to beckon me to cross. There is no one around...I think. I even double check, because I have a horrible, horrible Melvin. Of course I forgot I'm wearing the one pair of boxer briefs that are the biggest culprits. The gray ones. I only wear them in the winter because they do not mix well with the hot weather. They scatter up my thigh quicker than a squirrel seeking nuts in a pair of pants. But I hadn't done laundry in awhile and they were the only pair left. And it was hot. They had to be taken care of, and The Clear Tug was the treatment needed. And it was perfect because no one was around. So, I went for it. And as I started tugging the legs out of my man cave, a woman rounded the corner I was not aware was there, and walked right into a lone man on the sidewalk seemingly tugging on his testicles. I was in such awe, I froze. Yes, froze with my pants pulled out as far as they can go. I didn't even set them where I wanted them to be and release. I just held them out like a present for this poor woman. Finally, I gathered myself and corrected them and got my hands away from the penile region. And wouldn't you know it, the lady was crossing the street just like me, and walking all the way down to the Starbuck's just like I was. What a horrible trek. Needless to say I'm going commando for the rest of my life. I don't need this in my life anymore. Every day is now Freeballin' Friday!

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