Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Draw Something: Preferably Gatorade Not Haterade

It starts off at the grocery store. I need to get some Gatorade because my doctor tells me my Electrolyte intake is way down. Not really. I just noticed I didn't have enough blue liquid to drink in my fridge. So I decide on a mountain blast or a cool blue or a glacier freeze or whatever the hell it is and stroll on up to the cash register. It's late, but there's a sizeable line. Luckily, I only have one 8 pack to carry. Finally, the line moves up far enough that I can now fit my purchase on the conveyor belt. Now, I don't know what the little bars are called that separate the individuals' purchases so I'm just going to call them Purchase-Separaters.

Before going any further into the story I would like to tell you, or remind you, that I'm a good guy. I'm very polite. And I'm very adamant about living by the unspoken, social etiquette rules of this society. That being said, I do not feel it is the need of any stranger to place a Purchase-Separater down on the conveyor belt for anyone behind them. If they do it - Thanks. You're nice. If they don't - whatever...I have my own hands. I've set them down for people in the past. And I've let people grab their own Purchase-Separaters when I'm busy on my phone or doing anything else. So, I'm in line, and the person in front of me doesn't grab it. Not a big deal. I grab it, place it on the conveyor belt and put my Gatorade down. I have grabbed the last Purchase-Separater and the cashier is currently dealing with a situation before ringing through an order. My fluorescent blue Gatorade is just at the edge of the conveyor belt. Here's where shit gets interesting.

A lady gets in line behind me. I happen to notice her out of the corner of my eye. She is holding a shit ton. Probably 11 things. She barely belongs at the 12 and under cash register. She also should have just grabbed a basket which there were plenty of! In fact, there are literally left over baskets from other recent purchases directly in front of her. Does she take advantage of these? Nope. Why would she? This is a stranger that is trying to RUIN my day! She instead let's out a long, hard sigh as she realizes there is no room for her on the conveyor belt. Sorry lady. Get a basket. Or deal with holding your items so very uncomfortably. Now, as I said before, I noticed her. I am on my phone, in the middle of an intense Draw Something game. It's looking like my friend drew the ocean but I have no O's or N's and an abundance of X's. Shit is hectic! But I have not made eye contact with this woman because I am engulfed in this game. Which I am allowed to be! I'm in a line! I'm smart to have saved that game from this morning in case I got in any big lines.

I carry on with my guessing. Not BCXXX. Not HEAXX. (Did you figure it out yet? It was BEACH.) And I'm trying to ignore this lady. But she continues to sigh. HARD! Sigh! Sigh! Sigh! The cashier is still trying to figure out a computer error and there is still no room for this lady behind me. And she is STILL letting out sighs like she's giving CPR to a god damn lung factory! Cool it, woman! There's nothing I or anyone else can do for you, so shut the yapper. Breathing loudly will get you nowhere! I can see her getting antsy and moving around. I swear, if this woman asks me to help her I am gonna back flip out of rage and punch the nearest groin.The baskets are still within reach! She has made a horrible decision and has decided to stuck with it, yet doesn't mind effecting my night with her negativity!

The cashier finally fixes the problem and begins to scan an order. The conveyor belt moves and the Purchase-Separater comes flying down the side. Now, if I want to, I can grab it for her and lay it down. BUT I DO NOT NEED TO. And since this lady has been annoying as fuck and I am now watching my friend's second attempt at a drawing which appears to be a deciduous tree of sorts, minus the wood, I decide I'm too busy to help her out. I stick to my game. As far as she knows I haven't even noticed her yet. Maybe I can tune out the 70 decibel sighs she's been shooting out her mouth. And then I think she lets on and cranks her levels up to 100. A huge SIGH!!! I do not budge. I have been trained in ignoring the annoying my whole life. You can't shake me. But you can use a mint. Or a muzzle for that matter. Also, why are you sighing at this point? You have room to put your shit down, put it down!

So, now she attempts to place her items on the conveyor belt, but for some reason thinks she NEEDS to grab the Purchase-Separater first. As if the two of us will not collectively be able to separate my unworldy blue drink from her everything else. She leans forward, almost putting items on the belt and half reaching for the Purchase-Separater.....and because earlier that day I held a door open longer than I needed to for a little old lady and some higher being saw me and smiled at my generosity and decided to repay me at this very moment.....she dropped every single item on the floor! Oh it was so good! I took my letters and guessed HAPPY and even though it was wrong it felt right! It was life, keeping a balance as it always does. Restoring the faith in me. And smiting evil when it sighs too much and at inappropriate times. And as she bent down to pick up her items I swear she was quieter than quiet. And when she stood back up with all her items bundled in her arms like she was trying to protect them from the cold, harsh winds of the registers closes to the frozen food aisles...she saw that the Purchase-Separater had been put down for her. Because I'm a nice guy.


  1. Youre kind of a dick in this story. What if she didnt intend on grabbing all those things but realized she needed more halfway through and was in a rush. Also, why does it bother you to place the separator on the converyor belt? It takes around 2 seconds to do it but you went out of your way to prove a needless point that nobody really needed to know. Thats such bad karma... Not to mention you just sound like a schmuck. so what if she grabbed too many items you still noticed her, you knew what the right thing to do was and you ignored it to play a fucking app on your phone!? Really!? Thats just sadddddd.

  2. I respect your opinion, and totally see why you would feel that way but still disagree. I'll try to explain it further if I didn't do a great job before.
    The point is, if she needed help she could have A) asked for help instead of sighing. Making noises like that gets nobody anywhere or B) put them in one of the baskets in front of her when she got there. As I mentioned, the baskets were right there. I actually couldn't do anything to help her the entire time. There was no room on the belt for her. That was completely out of my control. Then, as soon as the belt moved forward, she began attempting to put her stuff on the conveyor belt. So, there's no way I can help her with that, the objects are in her hands and all she has to do is plop them down. Also, me putting the separator down doesn't help her whatsoever. Her stuff still has to go down on the belt. I have nothing against putting it down, again as I mentioned, I'm just saying I don't have to. It makes no difference whether I do or not.