Thursday, July 26, 2012

Awkward Of Ages

As I'm sure most of you are aware, from either knowing me personally or having read a lot of my other posts, I am an extremely awkward individual. (It also might say something about that in my About Me.) I do awkward things, create awkward situations, I personify awkward. Just today I was thinking about it, as I was waiting for my coffee at Starbuck's. I thought they had called my name, even though there were clearly 3 people who had previously ordered still waiting for their drinks. I walked right up to the counter to see there were no drinks there. My drink was not even in the process of being made yet. But I had already walked up to the counter, hands on it. Hands on it! Once you have put your hands on furniture you have silently announced to the world, "I don't plan on leaving this spot for awhile...or until something is handed to me." But I know that a different drink will be coming up before mine and that I will be in the way. What do I do? If I move away I will look stupid for having commit to the counter so early. But if I stay there I will look rude and obnoxious for blocking every one else. I can see they're finishing up a drink so I bail off the counter.

I try to do it all sly and pretend I have to take my phone out to check something. I pull it out to see it's off. Oh that's right. It had just died and needed to be charged. As I'm backing away from the counter I realize there's nowhere for me to go but to my right. And even to my right there is a lady waiting but there's a little room between her and the wall. I awkwardly moon walk into that spot, which is apparently exactly as wide as the distance from one of my shoulders to the other. You guessed it. I am now pressed up against the wall and also pressed up against the woman. She notices it right away and I pretend to be looking at my dead phone. I try to push as much of my body into the wall as I can but I am still touching her a little bit. I stay like this for a few seconds and then realize, you know what, it doesn't matter how awkward it will be to have pulled the move to the counter, the move to the lady's shoulder, and then another move away from her, I have to do it. I can't stay like this! It's too weird! So, I just walk straight ahead, planning to find an open space far away from the counter where I can cry in peace and of course the barista finished a drink and calls up Ron. Him and I start walking at the same time and he is of course coming from my left, heading to the counter at my right and I basically walk right into him and block the counter!

Ah! The rest isn't as embarrassing. I basically just walked all the way up to a sign fifteen feet away and pressed my nose against it while pretending I was reading it, and could only read it from half an inch away. But it got me thinking...I always do stuff like this! I always pull awkward moves! Sometimes two in a day! Sometimes multiple days in a row! There's no way I've gone more than 4 days without pulling an awkward move ever since my first one when I realized for the first time ever that there is such a thing as, Taking A Joke Too Far. I remember that moment vividly, sitting at the dinner table, I was 8 years old. So, I did some quick, yet educated estimating. I bet since that moment at 8 years old I have gotten myself into an awkward situation an average of...every 3 days. At least. Let's just run with this for now.


I am currently 25. Every 3 days for 17 years. 365 days a year, times 17, equals 6,205. That's roughly how many days since that moment. Now for every third day I will divide that by 3. That gives us about 2,068. I have had, since before my wee wee grew hair, over 2,000 awkward situations! I know it happens to me a lot but that seemed like too much. But then I started thinking.

When I was 10 and I thought I was alone yelling at the video game, telling 006 to stop shooting at me in the Facility level because all I was trying to do was take a shit and then my mom walked in and she didn't know I was playing a game because I had just died and the screen had gone black and looked like the TV was off.
When I was 12 and slipped the note in the wrong Ashley's locker and then waited for her to come by to unlock it so I could try to steal it out.
When I was 13 at the school dance and was walking around the gym looking for someone to dance with as they played the last song and just as I had given up and decided to walk out I tripped on a cord to a speaker.
When I was 14 and pretended to know what a BJ was even though I didn't and described it as, A Game I'd Like To Play.
When I was 16 and went on my first date ever but heard the movie showtimes wrong and brought the girl to the movie theater an hour and a half early and we sat in the theater the whole time and finally when the movie started she realized she would be late for Driver's Ed and we had to leave after 45 minutes.
When I was 18 and I asked a girl out at a mall kiosk and her boyfriend was standing right behind her.
When I was 19 and I went to meet a girlfriend's parents and as I was leaving my house I had carried some trash out and I touched something with cat pee on it (yes we had cats that peed on weird things sometimes) and I didn't notice until I was almost at her place and it was too late to turn around and her Dad was in the driveway when I arrived and I had to shake his hand with my smelly hand and didn't get a chance to wash it before and OH MY GOD IT'S TOO MUCH!

This number of over 2,000 really is realistic. I fast forwarded through my entire life in my head and I kept seeing over and over again, one face...the cringing face. My whole life can be described with the image of my cringing face. Because I got my head stuck in the banister pretending to be a lion at the zoo...again! Because I sneezed my Gatorade onto the giant mirror at the gym right in front of the weight benches. Because I don't know how to wait for a coffee at Starbuck's like a normal human being. I tried to rewind in my head to a time when I didn't do awkward things and it took me to a time when I believed in Santa. Come to think of it, once I stopped believing in Santa that's when all the trouble seemed to begin. So, I found my solution. Go to the North Pole. Not in search of Santa but to get the hell away from people. I just cannot function in public!

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