Monday, July 30, 2012

How To Deal With A Melvin

There are some problems some men face that women might not know much about. I'm here to help enlighten if I can. I wear boxer briefs, as I know many men do. I like them best out of all the underwear choices available to me. But they do have one draw back. They can create Front-Wedgies, or Melvins, quite often. Especially certain pairs. The Melvin is usually a bunching up of both legs, and they get much too close to the pelvic area. For women this is not much of a problem I assume because they're used to this feeling with most of their underwear. Plus, they don't have as much...luggage...that is in need of breathing room. When a man gets a wedgie in the front, it's a quite uncomfortable feeling.

I'm sure all the guys out there who have experienced this have come up with their own ways of fixing the problem. I'd like to explain a few of mine. Remember, this isn't like picking a wedgie in the back, you can't just grab it by it's haunches and yank the thing out. This in the front, there are valuable pieces in the area and it requires some finesse and a touch of delicacy.

The Fingertip Slide - This is the first method. To start this off you put your hands in your pockets. You then run your fingertips up your own thighs as if you're trying to turn yourself on. You slide them underneath the legs of your underwear, all the while rubbing the pockets against your actual thigh skin. Once you have cleared the legs of the underwear you can back pedal with your fingers, catching the backs of your fingers, where the fingernails are, onto the legs. You hook them with the fingers and pull them back down to the appropriate area. This can be done inconspicuously as it would just appear as if you are putting your hands in your pockets. Best performed in crowds though, if out in the open it will be too obvious there is more going on inside your pockets. Your hands ruffling around will be noticed and it will look like you are playing pocket pool.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Awkward Of Ages

As I'm sure most of you are aware, from either knowing me personally or having read a lot of my other posts, I am an extremely awkward individual. (It also might say something about that in my About Me.) I do awkward things, create awkward situations, I personify awkward. Just today I was thinking about it, as I was waiting for my coffee at Starbuck's. I thought they had called my name, even though there were clearly 3 people who had previously ordered still waiting for their drinks. I walked right up to the counter to see there were no drinks there. My drink was not even in the process of being made yet. But I had already walked up to the counter, hands on it. Hands on it! Once you have put your hands on furniture you have silently announced to the world, "I don't plan on leaving this spot for awhile...or until something is handed to me." But I know that a different drink will be coming up before mine and that I will be in the way. What do I do? If I move away I will look stupid for having commit to the counter so early. But if I stay there I will look rude and obnoxious for blocking every one else. I can see they're finishing up a drink so I bail off the counter.

I try to do it all sly and pretend I have to take my phone out to check something. I pull it out to see it's off. Oh that's right. It had just died and needed to be charged. As I'm backing away from the counter I realize there's nowhere for me to go but to my right. And even to my right there is a lady waiting but there's a little room between her and the wall. I awkwardly moon walk into that spot, which is apparently exactly as wide as the distance from one of my shoulders to the other. You guessed it. I am now pressed up against the wall and also pressed up against the woman. She notices it right away and I pretend to be looking at my dead phone. I try to push as much of my body into the wall as I can but I am still touching her a little bit. I stay like this for a few seconds and then realize, you know what, it doesn't matter how awkward it will be to have pulled the move to the counter, the move to the lady's shoulder, and then another move away from her, I have to do it. I can't stay like this! It's too weird! So, I just walk straight ahead, planning to find an open space far away from the counter where I can cry in peace and of course the barista finished a drink and calls up Ron. Him and I start walking at the same time and he is of course coming from my left, heading to the counter at my right and I basically walk right into him and block the counter!

Ah! The rest isn't as embarrassing. I basically just walked all the way up to a sign fifteen feet away and pressed my nose against it while pretending I was reading it, and could only read it from half an inch away. But it got me thinking...I always do stuff like this! I always pull awkward moves! Sometimes two in a day! Sometimes multiple days in a row! There's no way I've gone more than 4 days without pulling an awkward move ever since my first one when I realized for the first time ever that there is such a thing as, Taking A Joke Too Far. I remember that moment vividly, sitting at the dinner table, I was 8 years old. So, I did some quick, yet educated estimating. I bet since that moment at 8 years old I have gotten myself into an awkward situation an average of...every 3 days. At least. Let's just run with this for now.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Draw Something: Preferably Gatorade Not Haterade

It starts off at the grocery store. I need to get some Gatorade because my doctor tells me my Electrolyte intake is way down. Not really. I just noticed I didn't have enough blue liquid to drink in my fridge. So I decide on a mountain blast or a cool blue or a glacier freeze or whatever the hell it is and stroll on up to the cash register. It's late, but there's a sizeable line. Luckily, I only have one 8 pack to carry. Finally, the line moves up far enough that I can now fit my purchase on the conveyor belt. Now, I don't know what the little bars are called that separate the individuals' purchases so I'm just going to call them Purchase-Separaters.

Before going any further into the story I would like to tell you, or remind you, that I'm a good guy. I'm very polite. And I'm very adamant about living by the unspoken, social etiquette rules of this society. That being said, I do not feel it is the need of any stranger to place a Purchase-Separater down on the conveyor belt for anyone behind them. If they do it - Thanks. You're nice. If they don't - whatever...I have my own hands. I've set them down for people in the past. And I've let people grab their own Purchase-Separaters when I'm busy on my phone or doing anything else. So, I'm in line, and the person in front of me doesn't grab it. Not a big deal. I grab it, place it on the conveyor belt and put my Gatorade down. I have grabbed the last Purchase-Separater and the cashier is currently dealing with a situation before ringing through an order. My fluorescent blue Gatorade is just at the edge of the conveyor belt. Here's where shit gets interesting.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Most Countries Are Boys

I think that most countries are boys. Except for Hungary. Hungary is definitely a thin, female swimsuit model. Starving herself to impress the other Eastern European countries. Turkey isn't impressed. Turkey is the world's defending Hot Dog Eating Contest Champion. 4 years running. Ironically he hates turkey dogs. Go figure. Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania are all impressed by Hungary though. No one can tell those 3 apart. They're always together and always share the same opinion. Mini Russias basically. They all sound similar enough. They're like Huey, Louie and Dewey, all looking up to Uncle Scrooge. Who knows where their irresponsible parents have run off to, leaving them with their overly tight wad (seemingly Jewish) uncle. Sure, he'll teach them how to behave in society. Or, he won't know how to handle the new burden of three children he has had nothing to do with raising thus far, crumble under pressure, and resort to being Fun Uncle Scrooge who lets the 8 year olds drink alcohol with breakfast.

Egypt is unsure as to what circle he should be running in. He's kind of going through a life crisis right now. Finding himself. He heard most people go to Africa to do that. He's been trying to sneak in from the Middle East for awhile now. Everyone says he's in Africa, he doesn't quite feel like it though. Come on, look at him. He's so out of place on that top right chunk. Israel is a lawyer. What did you expect? He knows some good jokes though. Iran is a track and field star, a little too heavy on the bragging side if you ask me though. Iraq is actually a girl too. Huge tits.

The best way to describe China would be to first ask if you ever watched the original Power Rangers TV show. China is Bulk of Bulk and Skull. A bumbling idiot of an antagonist who tries to mess with the good guys but can never quite pull it off. Mongolia is Skull. The other idiot. India is pretending he lives in Michigan doing technical support over the phone. We know where he really does his technical support. Nepal is the outdoorsy type. Attracts all the women with his ruggedness, his hatred for the modernizations that are turning everyone into lazy balls of meat and his cool, confident way of carrying himself. However, he is quite sexist and loses the women when he demands they make him a larb sandwich.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Will Someone Tell Me What Tunechi Is?

What is this tunechi business? Ever hear the song "The Motto" by Drake and Lil Wayne? At the very end of Lil Wayne's verse he just randomly spews out the word "tunechi". You might be thinking, "Is that even a word?" I know that's what I think every time I hear it. Is this just another made up word rappers are using to rhyme with other words? Nope! He's not even rhyming this with anything! It's just there! I couldn't figure it out! It sounds like something you would get at Korean BBQ. Yes we'll have the short rib, the bulgogi and make sure there is a side of tunechi. I need to have enough of that for myself and my date because we are real tunechi heads.

Then, I thought, why would he yell out a food commonly consumed at Korean BBQ at the end of his verse? That makes no sense. And we all know Lil Wayne is insistent on making complete sense when he raps. Why else would he, in the same song, tell you "Money talks. And Mr. Ed."? The two obviously go hand in hoof. It's hard for some people to untangle his complicated metaphorical raps, but I understand them. Don't worry bud, I'm holding you down. He's obviously saying, "Money has the ability to make people do things, and Mr. Ed, a popular TV character of the late 50s to early 60s, has the ability to speak English like humans do." I mean, how are rap audiences not understanding the magnitude of that line. It's like a gun loaded with knowledge. Thanks for all the wisdom Lil Wayne. You are truly a visionary. I heard a preview from a song off his next album. One part goes a little something like, "Comet cleans, and is the dog from Full House." It's awesome. He rhymes it with mouse, and talks about "Tom And Jerry" I think.

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Elf Scandal

You know what would be a lot more efficient than Santa having thousands of elves working in his toy shop? If Santa had thousands of regular sized people working in his toy shop. They could reach all the top shelves and stuff like that. They'd already have a knack for working, especially in assembly line type scenarios. I'm pretty sure elves up until that point only had experience shooting bows and arrows and casting magic spells on people. Maybe there was a couple who were pretty good at swinging a fishing net around and ricocheting laser beams back at the monsters who shot them out in the first place? And some can bake cookies. So, why would Santa have elves working in his shop? Well, obviously (Spoiler Alert if you're under 10 years old) Santa isn't real. People made those stories up. These stories were later depicted in books and most importantly movies. Now, who plays the elves in the old time Christmas movies?

Kids. Now, who do you not have to pay as much to be in a movie VS. adults? That's right. Kids. Last question. Who is easiest to trick into doing work for you if you pretend like it's a game? That would be kids again. Now, I'm not going to start making any accusations but how about I make a possible scenario?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

YOLIT Means What?

YOLIT.

You Only Live Infinite Times...
That's the motto!

I did a little meme of this if you'd like to see. I have a whole separate site for memes and other fun things like memes...such as memes! I'll give you a little sneak peek.


I mean that's the case if you know the Game Genie code. Up Down Up Down Left Right Left Right A A B B Select Select Whatever Whatever. And of course you put that in before you played Contra. Who plays Contra without infinite lives once you learn you can have them? No one, that's who! And be sure to throw in infinite A-Bombs! You know the bombs that you throw and they sound like a fat dragon burping, "BWAAAAOOOOOHHH!" No one's gonna try to get through Contra with the original allotment of 3 lives. I don't even do that in real life (been practicing some Buddhism for the extra tries in case I fall down bottomless pits or can't shoot the man-sized wasps fast enough). And of course we don't need the infinite lives for our run, but we wanna make sure we get to the end. And we try to do it with as few deaths as possible. But what's the point of playing Contra if you aren't going to get to the part where you're shooting at the gigantic heart that is apparently keeping the body (that you are inside of!) alive?

Infinite Lives it is!

To See Other Memes Like This One Check Out My Other Site!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Delirious!

I like how I am when I'm delirious. I think I'm funnier. Mainly because I don't care as much.

I just got back from Von's, got me a late night Milky Way Midnight and a gallon of milk. I really hope the guy at the checkout thought I bought those two things to be consumed completely once I returned home. I feel like that's what it looked like. Whatever I wanted a candy bar and was low on milk. Also, this is 3:30 A.M. so that's an even stranger purchase at that time...I think.

But the guy is trying to scan my things and keeps muttering because he can't get the candy bar to scan. I don't realize this is why he's upset but then I hear him say, "What's the matter can't you see I'm in a rush?" I am currently reaching for my wallet and then say, "I'm getting my card right now." He looks up at me, still mad, maybe even more mad, "Not you. The Snickers Bar." I look back at him confused why he thinks it's justifiable to yell at a candy bar. And also why he thinks he's allowed to call it a Snickers Bar. "It's a Milky Way Midnight." I'm not sure why I felt the need to correct him. But he didn't seem to like it much. He finally scans it and hurriedly throws my stuff in a bag and snatches my receipt and shoves it at my face. Sorry bub, I'll let you get back to your Late-Night-Putting-A-Shit-Ton-Of-Boxes-In-The-Aisles-So-No-One-Can-Get-Through-But-Never-Unloading-The-Boxes-Or-Stocking-The-Shelves. That's what this night shift does.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Los Feliz Web Series Episode 8

Well, hey there good people! I just wanted to tell you a little about Episode 8 of our little web series Los Feliz. Episode 8 is the most recent episode and it is also the season finale of Season 1! We're really hoping to do a Season 2 and we have some great ideas for it but we need your support. Help share this show with friends if you like it and if you really wanna see a Season 2 donate a little. We did Season 1 with just money out of pocket and it will be too difficult to try to do that again for another Season. Every little bit helps! Or even just telling your friends! Or telling your Mom so she can tell all her gal pals in her knitting circle on Thursdays, "Hey have you ladies seen that web series show majobby on the internets called Los Feliz? It's really good and it's fun to watch TV on the computer. I don't know how that works. Menopause menopause menopause!" I don't know how mothers talk really...

Anyway, as I was saying, this is the last episode of Season 1. Ironically the last scene in which there is dialogue in this last episode was the very first thing we shot! Bernard and I (he plays Fig and I'm Stanford) tried this out first. We didn't know if it would work out and if we would have to reshoot but we didn't have to revisit this location. It worked first day, first try! You'll probably see why we weren't sure if it would pan out once you watch it. Don't wanna give too much away so I'll just say, Tight Security.

Oh also, you'll see how I'm the master of getting slapped. You probably also saw some of that in Episode 7. And you'll see a little more. I really am the best when it comes to being struck in the face. There is no other. I'm the champ in that category. You'll see. And you'll be like, how does this guy do it?! Also, please remember, every time you see one slap...that means there was about 10 takes minimum to get the right one. That goes for probably any show...but especially ours. Also also, sometimes you don't know the slap is coming because it wasn't in the script and the producer or director did not tell you about it so the element of surprise makes it look real genuine. They like to make me a method actor, whether I want to be one or not.

Anyway, we're going to keep having little things coming out for the show here and there. Making of, vlogs, gag reels, stuff like that. So keep visiting the site Link To The Los Feliz Website Right Here to see updates. Our Donate button is located in the top right portion of the page if you're interested and want to help out (Might be able to call it a tax write off, not sure). And if you have any questions Mr. Bernard Badion always answers viewer questions on his vlogs so you can post them anywhere, the Facebook Page, on the YouTube page, ask the Twitter account, whatever you like. Also, you may always ask me, and if I know I'll answer and if I don't I will make something up that sounds real good! How's that sound?

OK, without further adieu (that how you spell it?) I bring to you...Episode 8!

All Episodes Here Including Episode 8! Watch It Now!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

This Is How My Mind Works

Setting: Euro-Cup-Watching At A Bar In Hollywood

The People: Some Real Mother Fuckers
(And some cool people here and there)

Some friends and I drive to this bar, Dillon's, to watch the Euro Cup with some other friends. They're already there at the corner of the bar in their stools. They warn us ahead of time that there are no free stools and no free tables. Also, we can put our names on the waiting list for a table or just stand by them and watch the game. We take our standing spots by them, mingle, order beer (before having eaten anything...true Euro Style) and start watching the game. At one point I decide, I should put my name on the list, just in case one of the tables behind us opens up. So, I stroll over to the host stand. And by stroll I mean I side step through the large crowd of drunken futbol fans who won't move for anyone. I barely make it alive to the host stand and just as I get up there the host walks off to take care of something. I understand it's busy so I wait patiently. I'm the only one directly in front of the host stand. I'm actually touching it! Not in a weird way, it's not like I'm caressing it, I'm leaning on it. But I'm the only one touching it! Other people are around in the area but no one else is touching that host stand. No one's even eying it up! The host returns, busy with something. I am still quite the patient man and wait for her to acknowledge me before ask to put my name on the list. Some lady sees the host, or hostess (equal rights apply here?) and barges up to the host stand. She started from a good fifteen feet away. The host-person isn't even looking up and this girl starts with, "Excuse me! How long for a wait?"

This is how my mind works. First thought - "Bitch! The wait is whatever the host quotes you on plus the time it takes me to ask her first because I was standing here before you!" Yeah, say that Steve. Ah wait no. Don't call her bitch. Shit, now the host is responding to her. 45 minutes. This lady looks upset by that response. Oh good maybe she'll walk away and I won't have to deal with any confrontation. Oh no she's turned back around and asked if she could put her name on the list. Quick, tell her you were here first. Wait, should I have to tell her? I've been standing here for a minute. Great, now the host is writing her name down. Fucking Carol. And you're just standing here staring at her. Yeah, that's good enough! Keep staring at her. She'll get the message. Yeah, walk away without ever looking at me! I bet you're ashamed! Or never even noticed me and I just didn't speak up. Oh now the host is talking to me. Better give her my name.

Good job. Missed an opportunity. But about 45 minutes later, as I have returned to my friends and am watching the game still standing up, the very sweet old couple at the table behind us tells us they are finishing up and we can have their table. Great! Let me see if I'm anywhere near next on the list. Maybe I can take this table. Side step my way back to the host stand and as luck would have it I was next on the list! Perfection! The host walks me back over to the table, the old couple gets up, leaves, and the host starts to put down menus and silverware for me and my friends. Then, some random dude approaches from somewhere behind me. Honestly, probably started off at least fifteen feet away from the scene as well. I don't know if people think that is a proper distance from anything...but it is not! Unless you shooting free throws bud! He says, "Oh, I was waiting for that table."