Monday, June 11, 2012

I've Been Taking Notes, Mother Fuckers

I've been taking notes, Mother Fuckers. In fact, I've been taking copious notes.

You there, with the Ed Hardy shirt on. You only like to say douchey things, don't you? It's funny, there's so much going on, on your shirt. But so little going on in your head. What is that design? A tiger's face with about a thousand squiggly lines surrounding it? Great shirt. And what can you muster up to say when someone hands you a beer? "Yeah buddy." Or maybe "Sweet bro." And how about when a hot girl walks by? "Yeah buddy." Or maybe "Sweet bro." What if your friend pulled up in your driveway in a new car and just announced he's taking you to a bar to celebrate his new whip? "Yeah buddy." Or maybe "Sweet bro." You got less range than my pull string Power Rangers toy as a child.

Yeah, I've noticed. It's all here in my notes. Where you guys headed? Probably just one of the "sickest bars", right? Is it going to be lined shoulder to shoulder, wall to wall, Ed Hardy shirt to Affliction shirt, with douches all trying to grind on the same chick? Are drinks going to be more expensive than a foot long any sandwich shop?! Will the music be so loud you can't hear it? And thank God you can't because it's probably only about such mind provoking thoughts such as "living life" and "being here and now" and "it is what it is" and "let's go". Is this your "sick bar"? I knew it. You go there every weekend, right? Why wouldn't you? It's a classy place. Nothing says class like dressing up to the liking of a tree-trunk-necked-ex-lineman on a stool at the front door to get dry humped into sweaty misery by total strangers to the beat of hip-hop-electronica-dickfuck-fusion.

I know all about class. I've been taking notes, Mother Fuckers. Speaking of class, how about that bathroom? Let's all head in there to gab about women - says these guys. 2 dirty urinals and a sink that only sprouts water out of the handles. A paper towel dispenser that NEVER has any paper towels in it. The perfect place to talk about women. "That bitch is all on me bro." Thanks for telling me, I don't know you. And I'm trying to pee. And I can't pee when someone I don't know is talking to me. "I'm gonna have to take her home with me son." That's great, glad you have no option other than to take her home with you. Do me a favor, don't call me bro or son or anything else that might make people think we are actually related. I don't want anyone making that mistake.

Oh good! Your boys are here! Yeah, I knew you must have had some boys somewhere, you types never travel alone. Always in a scary-ass Axed-Up pack. It's written right here in my notes, under dating rituals. When seeking a mate, the bro must always travel with the posse in order to boost his self-esteem and to crack open a brew if the mating process does not go according to plan. "Is that your new girlfriend out there bro?" "No way dude, relationships are gay!" Well, relationships are gay when between two people of the same sex. But when between two people of opposite sexes...well that's straight. But I know...I know...the bro can only be considered straight when he's only "hooking up". Once you've paid for flowers, or breakfast, or a birthday present...GAY! That's the Bro Code.

What's in store for these types the next morning? Lots of sleep and rest. The bro is more of a nocturnal creature. Really only seeing sunlight on the way to the gym or the Muscle Milk Store. How these creatures react in the daylight amongst other species is much less known. Though some bros are obvious in sun or moon, many many others disguise themselves as normal human beings during the hours of the day. Bagging your groceries, doing your taxes, selling you a TV, they tend to blend in...many of them. But once the moon appears and activates The Bro Manner, ladies watch your crotches, it's go time. Yeah buddy! (Ah I seriously hate that).

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