Saturday, June 30, 2012

I Got Some Theories

I would like to preface this theory by saying I have plenty of gay friends and I fully support gay marriage. I think they should all get married. Weddings are a great place to get drunk. Now, that you know my belief system inside and out I present to you...

Theory #1 - I don't think putting gay guys in prison is punishment. That would be like if I murdered someone and you put me in the Playboy Mansion with my weiner dressed up as a carrot. Playboy Bunnies like carrots right? Stephen Avitabile, your sentence is 5-10......amazing orgasms a day. Yeah, I'm not hating that. So maybe the bad gay guys should have to go somewhere else. Like somewhere with a lack of a sense of style. The Wal-Mart clothing department. There we go.

Speaking of Wal-Mart I present to you...

Theory #2 - I don't think Wal-Mart should be allowed to sell clothes, food, bikes, guns, condoms, medicine and Incredible Hulk fists if they're going to yell at me for playing Hide-And-Seek-Tag with my friends in their store. You're basically running an Adult-Pleasure-Palace-Arcade...don't steal the wind from beneath my wings when I'm mid flight. That's like giving me a free airline ticket and shoving 9 ounces of water in my carry on when I'm not looking (that's thrice the alotted amount, people). Either you let me play games how I see fit or you cannot sell everything under the sun in one location. That's the new rule Wal-Mart!


Getting back to the topic of gay marriage and gay rights and hoping to poke some fun at the south and the states that are against it...I present to you...

Theory #3 - I bet in the south in some states "Will & Grace" is called "Judas & Satan". They probably only allow it to air between 2:30 A.M. and 3:30 A.M. and it's only on to test the integrity of the "weaklings" who are up late at night. It's funny how the perception is, the farther south you go in the U.S. the less likely you are to find people who are gay, or at least people who are open about it. Yet at some point, right around once you finish crossing the Central American/South American border the open gayness starts to increase and increase. Don't believe me? Menudo. Case and point. Well, Ricky Martin is and it's not like you can name any other members of that band (without checking online first) so you don't know that they're not gay. So, I'm right!

And....out of left field...or whichever field is most random...comes what I present to you as...

Theory #4 - Cereal commercials are getting out of hand and need someone to put them in their place. Ever notice how nowadays cereal commercials are like TV series? Honey Nut Cheerios does it. Coco Puffs. Cookie Crisp. They have plot lines, conflicts, solutions, and they leave them open ended with the classic "find out what happens next week". Find out what happens next week?! What happens next week is that I still want to buy some Honey Nut Cheerios and still don't need to be reminded that they exist by seeing a commercial of the bees saving the honey from being stolen by pirate bees! Don't try to make me "stay tuned" or "tune in next week" to see what happens with insignificant characters promoting the cereal I eat! Just show me that the cereal is still in the same aisle of the grocery store and we're good. Don't try to get me invested in these characters and surprise diagnose one with a terminal illness. I ain't crying over no bees or birds! This ain't Pixar, this is breakfast! I'm boycotting these cereals until these TV series-style commercials stop! I can eat leftover pasta for breakfast for the duration. No skin off my spoon! And I get just as much energy and nutrition from that. Also, I don't need little surprise treat marshmallows in my breakfast if I got little surprise treat meatballs. That's way better anyway!

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