No one's ever been super pumped to live in Blood City. The football and baseball teams moved away to a larger market, Oklahoma City (I know, I'm as confused as you are, bigger market?!), and the basketball team, The Bloodies, well let's just say the team mascot is a correct depiction of the team's players. He is a bloodied, injured man...and he is the most ready to be starting point guard. That's sad, when not only an injured man is most suited for a starting position, but when the most suited person is a mascot. No one's ever though mascots were athletic, or good with women, or anyone you'd even want to talk to, they've just been known for their cart wheels and Pump-Up-The-Crowd Talents. In addition Blood City just all around sucks. And don't even get me started on gas prices. I'm gonna construct a car that runs on the prosciutto because believe me honey, that would be less expensive! I know!
And another problem. The heat! Blood City gets so hot the sky turns into hot colors! And it just looks menacing! Blood City is also one of just 6 cities in the U.S. that doctors say is unsafe to leave a baby in the car during the summer months! This city can kill you in more ways than one, especially if you wear a diaper. But don't think adults are safe in the car. No, no! You too are in danger dependent tax-payers! Stay hydrated! And this brings us back up to speed. If you remember from Episode 2, Zaron had discovered that Luke had Princess Una Mae in her car.
He raced out to the parking lot and there sat Luke's mint condition PT Cruiser, wood paneling, air conditioning, basically something that would cart around a hip-hop mogul. This baby was top of the line, as far as cruisers go. And there it was carelessly left in the sun! He better hurry up and make sure Una Mae had not yet suffered dehydration or heat stroke or car sickness!
Oh what a relief! There she is, good as a new.....born baby left in a car in any city other than Blood City, Oakland, Houston, Miami, Santa Fe, and St. Paul. (I know what you're thinking here too. The only 6 cities not to leave a baby in the car during the summer months, 5 have hot summers and one is located in Minnesota. But that's only because in St. Paul in the summer months Jehovah's Witnesses no longer go door to door in neighborhoods, but now to cars' doors in parking lots. And we all know how susceptible babies are to new religions).
"Don't you worry, Princess" Said Zaron all suave like. "I'm taking you back to where you belong, and collecting my cash reward. Then I will promptly hit up a P.F. Chang's for I am hungry from all this searching, and what with my new found cash I believe I deserve a treat." Una Mae looked at him puzzled. "P.F. Chang's is a treat to you?"
Zaron got in the car and silently drove it off towards the town castle. Yes, to some people, the Changs is a step UP from every day life.
As Zaron drove on silently he realized the driver next to him was getting uncomfortably close. The truck was swerving all over the road. "Oh sheesh! A drunk driver this early?!" Exclaimed Zaron.
The driver of the truck waved to Zaron as he whispered to himself and/or no one in particular, "Not a drunk driver. A drunk car thief! Ah, who am I kidding? I got blasted alone at an iHop and now I'm realizing I can upgrade easily from this hunk a junk truck to that smooth, sleek, sexy PT Cruiser!" Clearly the car all men want and all women want to be "loved" in. This car ain't just for grandmas anymore, America.
The drunk thief rammed his truck into Zaron's rescue vehicle. He and Una Mae were helpless inside the car as the Cruiser, as silky smooth and loin-burning hot as it is, it has absolutely no defense against...well anything else on four wheels.
The car is completely turned on it's side and high pitched screaming is heard from within. Princess Una Mae slaps Zaron in the face and tells him to get out there and protect her. He's supposed to be rescuing her, his mission ain't over. Think of it almost as if his mission is impossible. Not completely impossible, but impossible in a way where like, I don't know, there's no way his job could be completed in anything less than 4 sequels. That's what they call, Draining The Town Of It's Money Protocol.
Zaron steps out of his overturned Coochie Magnet and draws his arrow-shaped sword weapon thing. It's business time, and the shop is open for......murdering.
The drunk thief steps out, not a tad bit intimidated. He's lived in Blood City his whole life. He knows what sort of things go down in this town. Everyone here is crooked. Even the straights. Also, he's still pretty shmammied and can't sense the danger...not even a little bit!
The drunk thief however does not think he is as hamboned as he is. Finna get more zonked he reaches for a bottle of wine in his back seat. He attempts to whip it out and show it off (this particular wine was aged in oak for longer than you've held a steady job) but it slips out of his drunk ass hands!
Well, the explosion says it all! The wine smashes into Zaron, who has a major grape allergy! It's his god damn cryptonite people. Or for those of you who are not so into Superman and much more prefer Spiderman, it's his god damn bullets from a gun people.
Can't believe it. Amidst all the Sauvignon Blam in the air, Zaron is dying right before our eyes. You can tell because his eyes are X's. And that's never a good sign. Watch any cartoon. Our hero...gone! The drunk thief heads over to inspect the damage and peers into his overturned car seeking a quick way to take it away...
"And looky what we have here," he says. Not only does he score a sweet car but he's got a sweet broad in the trunk already all tied up. Looks like he's gonna be taking this car places. Well, he was going to anyway, but now he's going to be taking it to different places. Now that he found there was a girl in the car. Do you get what I'm saying? She's kidnapped all over again!
Find out what happens next time...in Blood City!
Onome Tasker..........................Princess Una Mae
Chris Perez..............................The Drunk Thief