Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Mystery Of Octomom

When I first heard someone say Octomom it was just in passing. Something real quick. So I had no idea what Octomom was. I had not heard a story or news development. All I heard was the word Octomom. So, put yourself in my shoes. What do you think of if you have no background information on this lady? Here’s exactly what popped into my head.

Similar to what popped into your head? Regardless, this is what I saw. So, I was like, OK. That exists. An Octomom. And I went on my merry way. But then I started to hear all the stories about Octomom! Everyone was talking about this poor cephalopod. Mean things they were saying too. And stuff that I didn’t fully understand.

I heard, “Octomom had 8 children in addition to her 6 that she already had! How irresponsible!” And I thought, what’s so irresponsible about that? I’m sure she’ll teach them to swim and once they’ve learned the beauty of camouflage and how hunt their own food she’ll set them off on their own and they’ll be golden. Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen mollusks do much worse than 14 kids. Don’t some mate every single mating season? Sure they maybe only produce 3 or 4 at a time, but every mating season! For years. Doesn’t take that long before they’ve surpassed Octomom’s grand total of 14. Why doesn’t anyone call these other octopuses whores?

Then, I heard, “She’s bankrupt! She’s gonna lose her house! Then where will her children live?!” I don’t know, maybe under any other rock formation at the floor of the ocean? How does one lose a filthy rock formation at the bottom of the sea anyway? You’re bankrupt? What kind of upkeep do those rocks need? They basically take care of themselves by...not floating away? Is that even real? This can’t be a real headline.

Then everyone was screaming, “Octomom is gonna do porn! She’s set to star in a masturbation fetish video!” Sure does sound like a fetish. A very particular fetish. Does she use all 8 arms at once? And is it still Carol Brady’s head on top doing the moaning? Maybe this is for Brady Bunch lovers just as much as it’s for naughty nautical-ers. But why wouldn’t the porn she’s in be her with like 8 guys? You know? Doesn’t that make more sense? Utilize your assets here people! Come on! Idiots!

Oh but then I realized what Octomom really was. A dumb, bankrupt, slutty mom times 14. Ohhhh I get it now. That’s why everyone was freaking out. Because she’s human. 100% human. You know if she were half human half octopus this wouldn’t be a problem. I don’t know if that makes us racist...or specist...but it’s the truth. No one would speak one bad word about this lady if she had Florence Henderson’s head and 8 tentacles. It’s true. Go ahead Peter Parker, ask Doc Oc! Ohhh wait...maybe the porn was for him!

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