Tuesday, May 22, 2012

My Dog Only Eats Jif

I hadn’t done a funny shopping list in awhile, I realized. Mainly, this was realized when I came across that stranger’s list the other day. The horrible one where they couldn’t even spell Cheerios. The most popular cereal in the world! It made me want to make another one. I had to honestly make one anyway, as my cupboards were as bare as a mammal fishing for salmon. My fridge was empty too. So, I made a real list as I often do, and then added my funny bit to the end of it. I hadn’t done it in awhile so I was all giddy in the store getting ready to leave it on a shelf.

Without fail, whenever I am getting ready to leave one of those lists on a shelf in the store, there are always people around. Sometimes they’re other customers and sometimes they’re employees. But I can never manage to get alone in an aisle when I want to leave one. I’m always so afraid of me putting the list down and walking away and a customer seeing it and saying something like, “Hey, you forgot your list!” And then what if they pick it up to hand to me and then see what I’ve written? I never want anyone to associate one of my lists with me, they’re always super weird and sometimes creepy. And what am I supposed to say? No, that’s made up! And what if an employee finds it? Sir, your list! And did you need help finding your....super Weird ass objects? That’s why I always set it down, pretend I’m looking for something in DEEP THOUGHT, for a really long time. Like I am completely stumped on what box of oatmeal to buy. So many flavors. I must consider them all! I wait awhile so it’s conceivable I could have forgotten I had put my list down, I either grab something or “decide not to” and then I fucking jet out of the aisle! I’ve probably been seen speed walking like a mother fucker out of aisles at the grocery store more times than I’d like to admit. I run from that list like it’s the black goop in Spiderman 3 and it’s going to turn me into an emo villain! And you know I sure as shit don’t want that! Anyway, performed this very manly task of running from my own shopping list like a school girl the other day and here was the list...

As you can see the first 7 objects are normal. It’s the last 2 that catch your eye I’d assume. And the fact that they have been crossed out and both replaced by just one object. What does one think when they read this? Well, he was going to get Lube and Dog Food but then decided instead of both of those he’s just going to get peanut butter. I guess that could substitute for the dog’s food but then what’s he going to do about his needs? Unless if the dog were to eat the peanut butter off....OH! OH! Really?! There was a guy just shopping here who does that?!

So, see why I don’t want to get caught with one of these lists? Someone would associate that with me! Even if it’s a stranger, or someone I see once a week when I shop. Even just that one time they look at me and their brain frowns. And if it was a guy who worked there, you know he’s telling everyone else who works there. If it were me, I totally would. And I have to see those people often enough, it’s where I get my food! My sustenance! To keep me alive! I don’t need those people laughing when I put my stuff down on the conveyor belt. And god forbid I make a late night run for some peanut butter when there is only jelly and bread in the house. How could I ever live that purchase down. Buying just one gigantic tub of peanut butter. I’m sure the cashier would be peering over the counter looking to see either a raging huge boner or a hungry dog on a leash. Or both. I’m just a normal guy Grocery Store Peeps! I’m just fucking with you all! That’s why I run from my damn lists! And don’t you dare ever forget that!

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