OK, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about for awhile now. It’s been stewing in my brain and making me sick to my stomach. It’s a crazy brain to stomach connection I have. More people need to know about this. This complete stranger broke a very important commandment. One of the top 100. I know! Bastard! OK, here’s what happened.
My neighbor, and good friend, Jenny and I went to this coffee shop a few weekends ago. I know, I’ve been keeping it bottled up so long. Unhealthy. Anyway, the place is called Intelligentsia, in Silver Lake. For those of you who don’t know what it is and/or don’t know what Silver Lake is, you might assume from all those fancy sounding words that it’s a fancy-full-of-itself kinda place. And you’d be pretty much right. Jenny told me before we went that they have great coffee but they’re kind of hipsterish and hoity-toity and weird about themselves. There’s no menu. You just have to know what you want. Makes it hard for a first-timer, right?
Anyway, we get there and yeah, it’s Hipster Central. It looked like the Hipster Train was about to roll through to pick them all up and then they were all gonna look at each other in hopes most people weren’t getting on it so that they could, themselves get on it. And it wasn’t just the customers. It was the employees too. So, here’s where the story starts to make sense. Why I’m so angered with a complete stranger...
Jenny and I are in line, and I’m of course panicking. No menu?! What the hell do I order? I’m trying to listen to what other people are ordering so I’m intently paying attention to the counter situation. Then, I notice something. I lean over to Jenny and verbalize my realization. “You can tell it’s a hipster place when every guy working here is wearing a hat and not one of them represents a sports team.” I know, I’m goddamn funny. It was completely true, all 5 guys working there had fancy hats on, not one even slightly sports related. Jenny laughed. I knew she would. I’M FUNNY! Guess who else laughed. The complete stranger behind me! That’s cool, I’m fine with that. He realized I’m a funny guy. It’s what he did next that was total bullshit!
5 seconds pass, Complete Stranger, let’s call him Shit Lick, leans over to his girlfriend he’s with and repeats my joke word for word! No preface or anything like, “The guy in front of me just said...” Nope. He just said it as if it were a thought from his own brain! But we all know Shit Lick didn’t come up with it because he heard me say it and then laughed! Then, Shit Lick’s girlfriend laughs and says, “That’s funny” to which Shit Lick responds, “I know.” You know?! Yeah, you know because you just saw it work on a different lady you fucking hack! Now, what do I do? Nothing! One, because I have not brought myself to cause a George Costanza type scene yet in life, I will someday, especially when as deserved as here. And two, I’m still trying to figure out what I want to order and am even more flustered! So, this guy has plenty of opportunities to just tell his girlfriend that he heard me say this joke but he never does. Instead he goes on a rant of more hipster jokes, leading by my example, except they’re all unfunny. His girlfriend doesn’t laugh once more. Guess only my jokes make your girl laugh, Shit Lick!
I never said anything to the guy, totally should have, but instead I told a few friends. One of my friends mentioned something that made sense. “What if the guy did it, expecting you not to say something, like it was some sort of Bro Code”. We further discussed the situation, maybe it’s this unwritten Bro Rule (Or Hipster Rule, I don’t know) that if you use a joke on your girl and it works, a stranger behind you can then use your joke on his girl. And you don’t stir up any trouble because he just scored some points with his girl being funny, and you did too so no worries, right? Wrong! I’m not with my girl! I’m single and I’m with a friend! But to the untrained eye, Guy With Girl, yeah they’re together. Why wouldn’t people think it? But here’s the thing, I’m just with a friend, so I get no points at all! Not that I should, I don’t deserve to have any points with Jenny, she owes me nothing, we’re friends. But now Shit Lick scores points with his girl off my joke and I’m left with nothing!
So, what should I have done?! Should I have turned around? Exclaimed, “Yo, you know how you think you’re boyfriend is so funny? Well, that joke he just told, he JUST heard me say 5 seconds ago! He’s a hack! Those points he just scored with you, they’re mine! What did he get? Like 5 points? 5 points he’s probably trying to save up for a grand total of 50 so he can get another lay with you? How about this? Those are my 5 points, I’m never gonna see you again, I’m cashing em out now. Show me your boobs or something! I deserve something! What’s 5 points get me?!” I don’t know. How should one handle this exact, and unique, and tender situation? You tell me. That’s all I got.