Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Mystery Of Octomom

When I first heard someone say Octomom it was just in passing. Something real quick. So I had no idea what Octomom was. I had not heard a story or news development. All I heard was the word Octomom. So, put yourself in my shoes. What do you think of if you have no background information on this lady? Here’s exactly what popped into my head.

Similar to what popped into your head? Regardless, this is what I saw. So, I was like, OK. That exists. An Octomom. And I went on my merry way. But then I started to hear all the stories about Octomom! Everyone was talking about this poor cephalopod. Mean things they were saying too. And stuff that I didn’t fully understand.

I heard, “Octomom had 8 children in addition to her 6 that she already had! How irresponsible!” And I thought, what’s so irresponsible about that? I’m sure she’ll teach them to swim and once they’ve learned the beauty of camouflage and how hunt their own food she’ll set them off on their own and they’ll be golden. Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen mollusks do much worse than 14 kids. Don’t some mate every single mating season? Sure they maybe only produce 3 or 4 at a time, but every mating season! For years. Doesn’t take that long before they’ve surpassed Octomom’s grand total of 14. Why doesn’t anyone call these other octopuses whores?

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Los Feliz Web Series Episode 4

Hey everybody and their brothers!

Episode 4 of our show Los Feliz came out today. They had been coming out every Wednesday for the past few weeks, we have 2 weeks where no episodes will be coming out, but in 3 weeks we return with Episode 5. Anyway, I hope those of you have been watching the show have been enjoying it. This one, I believe, is our best one yet.

Here's one reason. While shooting a scene for Episode 4 I met my stunt double! You might be thinking, wait, I saw episodes 1-3 and this didn't seem to be a show that was going to ever have any crazy action! None that would require a stunt double! Well, it doesn't really. But in my first scene of the episode, which is with DK played by Wendy McColm, I was wearing this green and blue striped rugby shirt. A man's rugby shirt! Mind you! I know for a fact it was a man's shirt. This may seem pointless right now but it is IMPERATIVE that you know it was a man's rugby shirt! Well, after we finished shooting our scene at the La Brea Tar Pits (no one fell in, not anyone top billed or important anyway) we were on our way out and we happened to run into a 40 something LADY, presumably a mother, with the same exact fucking shirt on as me! This lady was wearing my manly ass shirt, the same day as me! Making me look like a total idiot and lady-man! I was so mad! Of course everyone else is laughing, and I'm pretty sure I took my shirt off at some point because I was so upset. I wasn't all that upset, I kept my cool long enough to do a surprise interview with her in the background, all about how she was my stunt double. I hope that makes it onto the DVD. But I just want to make sure everyone knows it was a man's shirt, and a dumb, manly lady apparently. I mean, why else would she do that? Maybe she heard I would be there and decided to embarrass me. I don't know. But after that I'm pretty sure everything I wore was in question, whether it was really a shirt or a blouse, whether it was from the lady's section, whether my skirt matched my shoes, etc. Oh everyone loved it!

That's why in my other scenes I'm wearing a necktie! A damn MAN'S clothing article! No one can get on my ass about that! No one's going to think twice about my manliness and the size of my.....wardrobe! But yeah the other scenes were fun to film as well. You'll have to check this episode out, tell us all about how manly everything I wear is, and what you thought of the episode in general. Oh also, if you want womanly, get this...every time we shoot DK's room we use Bernard's room. Guess it's good enough for a lady's room! (Sorry Bernard) Anyway, watch the episode and enjoy!

Episodes 1 - 4 Found Here!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

My Dog Only Eats Jif

I hadn’t done a funny shopping list in awhile, I realized. Mainly, this was realized when I came across that stranger’s list the other day. The horrible one where they couldn’t even spell Cheerios. The most popular cereal in the world! It made me want to make another one. I had to honestly make one anyway, as my cupboards were as bare as a mammal fishing for salmon. My fridge was empty too. So, I made a real list as I often do, and then added my funny bit to the end of it. I hadn’t done it in awhile so I was all giddy in the store getting ready to leave it on a shelf.

Without fail, whenever I am getting ready to leave one of those lists on a shelf in the store, there are always people around. Sometimes they’re other customers and sometimes they’re employees. But I can never manage to get alone in an aisle when I want to leave one. I’m always so afraid of me putting the list down and walking away and a customer seeing it and saying something like, “Hey, you forgot your list!” And then what if they pick it up to hand to me and then see what I’ve written? I never want anyone to associate one of my lists with me, they’re always super weird and sometimes creepy. And what am I supposed to say? No, that’s made up! And what if an employee finds it? Sir, your list! And did you need help finding your....super Weird ass objects? That’s why I always set it down, pretend I’m looking for something in DEEP THOUGHT, for a really long time. Like I am completely stumped on what box of oatmeal to buy. So many flavors. I must consider them all! I wait awhile so it’s conceivable I could have forgotten I had put my list down, I either grab something or “decide not to” and then I fucking jet out of the aisle! I’ve probably been seen speed walking like a mother fucker out of aisles at the grocery store more times than I’d like to admit. I run from that list like it’s the black goop in Spiderman 3 and it’s going to turn me into an emo villain! And you know I sure as shit don’t want that! Anyway, performed this very manly task of running from my own shopping list like a school girl the other day and here was the list...

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Los Feliz Web Series Episode 3

Episode 3 of our web series, Los Feliz, is out today! I'm excited for this one, I hope you all are too. It opens with a scene with me and a girl, I'm not going to go into too much detail, but some of it is shot in a bed! Excited yet? Well, how about this? That bed is none other than my co-star, friend, and roommate, Bernard Badion's bed! Now, I know you're excited.

I can say it was the first time I ever filmed a scene with a girl in his bed, but I can't say it was the first time I ever spent time in his bed with a girl. It doesn't count as "filming a scene" if not all parties are aware of the camera, correct? No, just kidding...I always get consent...for the camera. OK, now this is sounding creepier and creepier. I can actually say it was the first time I was ever in Bernard's bed...period. But it was with a girl! How awesome of a roommate am I?!

And don't worry this isn't the only scene in the episode. It's followed by plenty more greatness, I just don't want to give any of it away. So, why don't you just watch it? Let us know what you think. And if you haven't seen Episodes 1 and/or 2 yet, well you're going to want to watch those first.

Check out all the episodes of Los Feliz here!

And don't forget you can always YouTube search "Los Feliz The Show" and find all of our episodes and trailers on there. We even gots our own YouTube Channel! Enjoy!

Monday, May 14, 2012

2 Shitty Lists

So, apparently the trend I was trying to set finally caught on! I haven’t left a funny list in a store in awhile, and I just happened to find one at Von’s the other day. I was so glad someone wanted to join in on the fun! They must have seen my examples and wanted to try one on their own! Oh and they did a funny one, let’s take a look at what they came up with.

Diapers. 3. You looking to buy 3 single diapers? Like...out of the pack? Yeah right, no one wants to buy 3 diapers. Nice try, joker. Wipes. Wipes? Like...for the bum? For the bum of the baby with the 3 diapers he’s only ever gonna get. Yo, what does this baby run you? Let’s get some adult items on your list! Cherrioes! Those must be the types of Cheerios that Charles Barkley eats. Or if not then your spelling is just turrible. And your baby still runs you! Those Cheerios are for the baby I know it! Seriously, take a stand Pathetic Parent! Well, I’d make some more jokes about the next two things on your list but I do not even know what they are. Not even sure I can read them.

Nice first attempt but you’ll have to try harder next time. Give me some more items. Give me some more funny. And learn how to spell. And just buy diapers in packs, it’s way easier then trying to find the singles.

Friday, May 11, 2012

26 Day Challenge: Breast Edition

Have you ever thought of how many different words we have for breasts? Have you ever wondered if you could go through the alphabet and come up with a name for each letter? I did! I completed my challenge, now I extend a challenge to all you men with girlfriends, fiances, wives, etc. Copy down this list. 26 options, right? Start at A and work your way down the list. Each day, refer to your significant others’ breasts as one of these. When successfully completed, you may cross it off your list and the next day, move on to the next word.

Now, what constitutes as successful? You must refer to them as the given name as sincerely as possible and you must also not be struck. As soon as you are slapped, smacked, hit, lose. Mark the letter you lost out on and that’s your grade. Let me know what you get! And if anyone manages to make it all the way through without any hits I’ll give you $5. What do you think of that? Oh also your girl can’t be in on it. I can’t imagine anyone getting past O. A is gonna be hard enough. Here’s the list...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Los Feliz Web Series Episode 2

Did you see Episode 1 of the new Web Series, Los Feliz? Well, if not I recommend it. Mainly because I'm in it. But also because I care about the well being of your Enjoyment Glands. Gotta keep those things exercised! And if you've seen Episode 1 already, then guess what! Episode 2 came out today! And I think you should watch that...for the same reasons as stated before.

If you watch it, you'll see that we filmed some of it at Griffith Park. The day we filmed there it was actually a difficult experience because it seemed like every 10 minutes a helicopter flew overhead. Also, I think the helicopters were flying in slow motion that day because they took forever-and-a-moment to clear out. A few people were getting worried we would get in trouble because we didn't have permission to film there, like maybe the helicopters would land next to us and yell at us for filming there. I was not as worried, but mainly because I had thrown my stash of illegal pistols, cocaine and alien DNA into the bushes at the first sight of helicopters. Illegal filming would be a first offense on my part, but I didn't need a second offense in any other areas, i.e. - possession of firearms, drugs, or "other-wordly" objects.

We later found out why all the helicopters were there that day. Anybody hear about the head found near the Hollywood sign? And the rest of the body parts that showed up one after another in surrounding areas? Yeah, that was all going on in that area while we were filming without us knowing. Damn, I realize now with bigger things such as Murder One and Body Kabobs on the Po-Po's minds, I probably could have kept all my other belongings and been completely fine. No searches performed. And I would currently have in my possession one Bad Ass, Drug-Dealing, Extra-Terrestrial under my command! But no biggie, I got this web series thing now. Wanna check it out, 12 minutes of your time.

Episode 2 Here!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Intelligentsia, Hipsters, And Joke-Stealers

OK, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk about for awhile now. It’s been stewing in my brain and making me sick to my stomach. It’s a crazy brain to stomach connection I have. More people need to know about this. This complete stranger broke a very important commandment. One of the top 100. I know! Bastard! OK, here’s what happened.

My neighbor, and good friend, Jenny and I went to this coffee shop a few weekends ago. I know, I’ve been keeping it bottled up so long. Unhealthy. Anyway, the place is called Intelligentsia, in Silver Lake. For those of you who don’t know what it is and/or don’t know what Silver Lake is, you might assume from all those fancy sounding words that it’s a fancy-full-of-itself kinda place. And you’d be pretty much right. Jenny told me before we went that they have great coffee but they’re kind of hipsterish and hoity-toity and weird about themselves. There’s no menu. You just have to know what you want. Makes it hard for a first-timer, right?

Anyway, we get there and yeah, it’s Hipster Central. It looked like the Hipster Train was about to roll through to pick them all up and then they were all gonna look at each other in hopes most people weren’t getting on it so that they could, themselves get on it. And it wasn’t just the customers. It was the employees too. So, here’s where the story starts to make sense. Why I’m so angered with a complete stranger...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Los Feliz Web Series

Hey all!

In case you didn't already see, the first episode of the web series I'm in just came out today! I'm really proud of it and everyone worked really hard on it.

That sincere note being spoken...guess how many times Kevin Hinman flicked my nipples during production. A lot! You will see a scene in this episode, in which my nipples are never not hard. Due to the fact that in between each take, he flicked them. That's apparently part of the producers job, as he told me. He has to pay attention to details. Make sure there are no inconsistencies. It was apparently tougher on him than it was on he told me.

But it's like the say, you can't be a part of a successful production without getting a few sore nipples. Not sure why I was the only one, I guess Kevin just likes me best. Anyway, the show is called Los Feliz. It was created by Bernard Badion, my friend, co-worker, and roommate. Yes, we share lots. We also shared screen time, as he and I star as roommates and friends in this show. It wasn't much of a stretch, though I do have to play a character pretty different from myself. Why don't you give it a "Check-Out" (cool new slang I use) and let us know what you think of it. Again, this is the first episode. And there are more episodes to come. Thanks!

Episode 1 of Los Feliz Here